


Out Here On the Ledge

by saucyminx



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Drug Addiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-28
Updated: 2009-10-28
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:58:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 51,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen is in love with Jared, doesn't help that Jared's as oblivious as always. Needing to get away, Jensen spends Winter hiatus in Vegas were he finds a different sort of life. One he learns is not so easy to give up when he needs too. Now Jensen finds himself on the brink of the edge and there's only one person who can stop him from fall off. Warnings for extreme drug use!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a matter of fate and being at the wrong place at the wrong time that laid the final straw on the proverbial camel’s back. Jensen had long since adjusted to the longing, the ache, the way his heart kick started whenever he was fixed with that warm smile, those soft hazel eyes, the curve of dimples that stretched a mile wide. What he was not used to was seeing that same level of bright - that look Jensen thought belonged to him alone - shining from his best friend's face into someone else's. _Turn away, run, get the fuck out of here_ his mind screamed to him but Jensen had this problem with listening to the logic whenever Jared was part of the equation.

Jensen contemplated the sharp stab of pain in his heart as Jared's body dipped down. Too far, too low, sinking into a tiny brunette who looked a little like a bull frog if you asked him. Not that Jensen was bitter, really, it was just... he couldn't understand what Jared could see in her. She was... talentless, and that was being nice. Hell, Jensen was fairly certain the _Impala_ had more acting skills than her. Yeah, it was that bad. And now Jensen's eyes were burning, his heart was being torn into tiny shreds of crumbled paper, and he couldn't turn away because that would almost be worse. Not knowing that Jared had to bend a good foot to brush their lips together, that Genevieve had to press flush against his body and rise on her toes to get as close as possible, to wrap her arms around his neck.

When Jensen caught a flash of tongue he finally gained control of his legs, long enough to spin and stumble blindly around the corner. He threw up whatever he'd managed to choke down at lunch behind their make up trailer and waved off a PA who hovered nearby in concern. Every part of him shook in his jeans and too many layers of shirts and the last thing Jensen thought he could do was go pretend to be Dean, older brother who would sacrifice - did sacrifice - everything for Sam, Jared... it's odd how in this moment Jensen blurred the two together. Like the hurt was something that simply _was_ no matter whom he pretended to be. On his saddest days Jensen could force a laugh and make it sound natural but this ache...

Being in love with Jared was like loving the sun. Too bright to look into, a mass of energy that radiated heat and a level of warmth unimaginable. From the very first day Jensen met his co star he knew things had changed. It was like taking a step up toward some eventual peak and he'd yet to get off that path. They clicked on an unnatural level, Jared _got_ him, more than anyone else ever had. Maybe it was because they were playing brothers, that connection had to be there to make it work, but Jensen only used that explanation when he needed something logical to tame the madness. In truth it was just Jared. He handled every shift in Jensen's mood's like a pro, never let him spend hours second guessing his work, never let him storm off in anger, was always there to pick up the pieces and tape them back together.

What Jensen hadn't known back in the beginning, when the path was so new and the incline almost unnoticeable, was what he was walking toward - or running toward - or tumbling head over feet into without a chance of a different outcome. There wasn't one moment, one special day when Jensen realized he loved Jared more than life itself, it was suddenly just there. And Jensen knew it like he knew the sky was blue and he _knew_ that he needed to breathe to keep living. By then they were sharing a house and Jared was his twenty four seven, there when he woke, there when he slept - separated by one thin layer of wooden beams and plaster - the very thing Jensen _breathed_.

Jensen had yet to tell anyone the extent of his feelings for his co star, best friend, roommate, but sometimes he wondered if everyone already knew. Sometimes he'd catch sympathetic looks when Jared would throw an arm around him - drag a hand down his back, squeeze his ass playfully - and Jensen would flush because clearly it had to be obvious. Not to Jared though. Whether that had to do with Jensen's occasionally standoffish persona or the fact that Jared was simply amused by his blushes whenever the man gave him special attention, Jensen would never know. It was a secret that weighed on his shoulders, just barely manageable.

This was precisely why seeing Jared lip locked with Genevierewhateverthefuck was like a knife through his heart. The rest of the afternoon on set was like walking through one of the seven layers of Hell - the worst one, flaying and torture included in the form of too big brown eyes and giggles that reminded him of nails on a chalk board. And _of course_ it should happen to be on the day where Jared and what's her bull frog face are filming some naughty sex scene. Jared kept pulling off his shirt - and she was _touching_ him - and Jensen had never been so conflicted. He wanted to cross to her and tell her to get her slimy, demon hands off _his_ Jared but if he stepped any closer those muscles would take on a more defined, more complex shape and Jensen would be reminded with a kick in his gut that touching that tanned flesh was a bad move.

Jensen wasn't _like_ Jared. He couldn't touch and casually flirt and get away with it. Any touch he gave Jared was sure to linger too long, would seem too out of character, might even make Jared give him a look that was something less then his usual adoring one and Jensen didn't want to find out what that might be. Half hour after watching this _disgusting_ display Jensen checked with one of the PA's, sending them to find out if he could go for the day. It was the last day before winter hiatus and Jensen was really looking forward to a break from being someone else every day. He loved his job, more than he would have any other one, but it could wear on him like anything else.

When he finally got the A-OK to go home Jensen couldn't change from his Dean garb fast enough. It was habit to wait for Jared, going to the same place and all, but the way Queen Bee had been attached to his side all day - even when the cameras weren't rolling - told him she was likely to come with. There was this wrap party thing, a chance to unwind before heading home to families and holidays. Jensen had a ticket for Texas - and had even let Jared talk him into visiting his family for a time - so the idea of a night without obligations seemed more than appealing. Even if it meant he had to go out of his way to avoid his best friend and hip attachment.

So Jensen begged Cliff to take him home early, where he enjoyed a two hour nap, half hour shower, and forty five minutes of private self indulgence in the form of flipping through the scrapbook full of all things Jared. He was fairly certain Jared wouldn't think it was too weird to have pictures of each other; it was just the selection that would draw attention. There were quite a few from the set, more than a dozen lounging around the house and backyard, a variety from their vacation last summer. Jensen lingered on the selection of them together. It was so _painfully_ obvious in the way his eyes fixed on Jared. How the man didn’t see it was beyond him.

Half hour before the party started Jensen emerged from his room to see if Jared was home. It seemed a little weird that Jared hadn't come to talk to him - considering he left set without saying goodbye - but a shrill giggle bounced down the stairs and all Jensen could wonder was whether Jared even _noticed_ he hadn't been in the car. The wash of sheer _misery_ was enough that Jensen decided he'd rather skip the party. It seemed a much better idea to settle in with a six pack and his photo album o' Jared and get nice and drunk. Then he could jack off imagining being the one to pull Jared's shirt off the way Genevieve had done all day – was probably doing right now. In fact he was just about to head back to his room when the stairs creaked and Jared's laughter echoed around him, washed over him, soaked through tense muscles and turned all his insides to goo.

Jared jogged down the bottom few steps and shot across the room slamming into Jensen, wrapping him in a hug and picking him up off the floor. He squeezed his friend and shook him then dropped him down and tousled his hair. " _There_ you are! What the hell dude! I wanted to have a celebratory beer with ya before they tore down but you were gone." He frowned slightly, Jensen looked a little harried - but then his friend had been overworked and tired lately, no doubt, something on his mind. He turned and yelled up the stairs "I found him!"

Jensen smiled and it was genuine because everything involving Jared nearly always was; even if he didn't speak of half of it. Because in the end Jared had done nothing wrong. It wasn't like Jensen could be mad at the man for being _straight_. The idea was ludicrous. He did flinch a little when Jared called up the stairs though, as if she cared where he was. For every evil look he shot her, she had one twice as bad. "Wasn't feeling well," Jensen shrugged and put another step of distance between them, just to be safe. "I didn't know how much longer you were going to be and I needed a nap," with a faint chuckle he drank in the strong line of Jared's jaw, the gentle curve of his lips, the silky locks falling in haphazard disarray.

Throwing his best grin at Jensen over his shoulder, Jared walked over to the bottom of the stairs when he heard Genevieve's footsteps. "Hey babe." Jared slipped his hands on to her waist and spun her down off the steps, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. "I found Jensen."

Genevieve turned and smiled at Jensen, "oh good, how _could_ we have a party without him?" Her eyes lingered on Jensen's face for a few moments then she turned back to Jared, "just gonna run to the loo, then I'm ready." She slid her hands down Jared's chest, "get Jensen into some clothes that make him look like he's part of the cast and not a nerdy fan." Her laughter rang out behind her as she walked down the hall.

Smiling, Jared turned back to Jensen, "she's right dude, you need to change - we're leaving right away and before you complain; I'm the designated driver! So - you'll get back here safe and sound." He brushed past Jensen and headed towards his friend's room.

Though there was no proof on the subject, Jensen was fairly certain that Genevieve was _actually_ possessed by a demon. And no. There were absolutely no feelings of jealousy laced behind that thought. He followed the sway of Jared's hips almost like he was on a leash, pulled behind because he'd follow the man anywhere. And that was the thing about Jared. There was no saying _no_. Jared was the type of man he'd jump off a bridge for. The idea that Jensen was passed the point of _gone_ didn't occur to him outside the vaguest whisper of a suggestion. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" He asked a little belatedly, staring down at his tan sweater. It was the holiday season; people wore sweaters during the time. Plus it was freaking Canada which was equal to _always_ butt ass cold. Sweaters were practical.

Jared's hands were on the sweater quickly, trying to tug it up over Jensen's stomach. "Off..."

 _Oooh_ hands. Hands in places they shouldn't be. Jensen wondered at his karma for the day. It wasn't like he'd been stealing candy from babies or kicking puppy dogs recently, why must it mock him? "Jay, I can undress myself," he mumbled and flushed and sounded like a whiny kid - which only made him flush more. But he didn't swat Jared's hands away, simply lifted his arms and let the material flutter across his beat red skin, huffing out a pretend annoyed breath. If his heart fluttered more than it should, Jensen ignored it.

The sweater left Jared's hand and flew across the room as he turned and yanked Jensen's closet door open. "Let's see," he shoved the hangers around, glanced back over his shoulder, "don't just stand there - take that t-shirt off too." He turned back to the closet and pulled out a white button down shirt with green pinstripes. "Here," he gestured with his hand for Jensen to get the t-shirt off and started to unbutton the shirt and tug it off the hanger.

"Not sure I should take fashion tips from a man who actually owns _pink_ clothing," Jensen muttered good-naturedly. He had been shirtless in front of Jared countless times but it didn't stop the flush from crossing his chest. After all, they were in his _bedroom_ and that was a whole new turf for these things. Jensen felt the stirring in his crotch and had to force back an eye roll at his utter patheticness. He snagged the shirt from Jared's hands the moment he could and shoved his arms into it, turning away from him to do up the buttons. "So Genevieve is coming tonight?" He asked, though he knew the answer. Maybe Jensen had a kink for heart ache.

"Yeah, here sister's in Van for the weekend though so they might duck out early. You might be stuck entertaining me." Jared walked down and sat down on the end of Jensen's bed. "Besides, I figured maybe you and I could watch a movie or somethin' after the party - hang out - you're leaving right away aren't you?" He ran a hand through his hair.

Jensen nodded, heart fluttering at the prospect of some quality Jared time before he left. Despite how much it sometimes hurt to be around Jared, being without him was a thousand times worse. "Yeah sounds good. My flight is around noon tomorrow, I'll probably leave around nine to be safe." His eyes drifted to Jared on his bed and instantly supplied a mental image of Jared naked and writhing on his dark blue duvet. _Perfect_.

Jared smiled; he was going to miss Jensen. As unpredictable and strange as his friend could be at times, recently more than ever, Jared really enjoyed their friendship. The house would seem really empty without Jensen there. "Listen," he flopped back on Jensen's bed, stretching his arms up then reached down to scratch his stomach, "I gotta pick up the dogs tomorrow afternoon from the sitter's anyway - why don't I drive you?"

The potential for a goodbye hug at the airport with Jared made his flesh tingle and Jensen nodded. "Sure, taxi drivers always creep me out anyways." He grinned and stepped toward Jared like a love sick moth to a too hot to handle flame.

Sitting up, Jared grinned. "It's a deal then. You ready?" He pushed up off the bed and stepped up to Jensen, running his hands through his friend's hair, messing it up a bit. "There..." he patted Jensen's cheek, "all rugged and pretty for the fangirls - you know the Dean-girls will be waiting for ya to pull up." Grinning he took off out of the room to find Genevieve.

For the most part Jensen was used to Jared's over the top touches but every now and then there was one that left him rooted to the spot. Like that one. His skin tingled and vibrated and Jensen considered telling Jared to forget about him for the party. Thinking of pretty fangirls helped with the heat building. Damn, the last time Jensen was able to think of _anyone_ else in that light was years ago. Jensen considered himself Padalecki sexual. It was not necessarily as fun as it sounded.

With a small whimper Jensen kick started his feet into gear and flipped off the light in his room before heading to the front room. Jared was waiting with the lemming and Jensen suppressed the urge to narrow his eyes at Jared's arm slung around her. Genevieve looked smug. Typical. "Alright let's get this over with," he grumbled and lifted his coat from the rack by the door.

Jared ushered everyone out the door and locked up behind them.

-=-=-=-

Jensen detached himself from the - disgustingly overly affectionate, no awareness of _too_ much PDA - couple the moment he was in the door. He'd had enough of them the minute Genevieve had slipped into the passenger seat beside Jared. It was easiest to beeline for the nearest beer and drain the bottle minutes later. People attempted small talk for awhile until the word spread that Jensen was in one of his 'moods.' It didn't really bother him that he had a reputation among the cast and crew. In fact it worked to his advantage most of the time, like now when all he had on the agenda was getting as drunk as possible, as fast as possible.

Despite camping out by the alcohol, Jensen was trained to be hyper aware of Jared. Didn't hurt that the man's - sweet, heart warming, infectious - laugh carried across the room like a sonic boom. Around his third beer he caught a glimpse of Genevieve running her hand down his chest and tucking fingers into Jared's waist band. The sight automatically led to beers four, five, and six. Around his eighth beer he was unfortunately too close to the door and witnessed their extended kiss goodbye, leaving Jensen to wonder what it felt like to throw up dense alcohol and bile. Luckily he drowned the urge with beers nine, ten, and eleven.

Jared found him around beer... fifteen? Twenty? Jensen lost count. And the smile that shifted his lips up accompanied the sway of his body. Everything was tilting to the left and there were two Jared's for a moment before there was just one. Jensen liked the idea of two Jared's almost as much as he liked the way Jared's face lit up at spotting him. The bottle was empty when he tried to set it on the counter, so thankfully, when it clattered to the floor, nothing spilt.

Jensen actually _giggled_ and stumbled while bending to pick it up. "Ish empty cause I drank it all goonne." He straightened himself, relieved when Jared snatched the bottle. "Oops." He added and burped loudly, flushing.

"OOOhkay killer," Jared's fingers curled around the top of Jensen's arm, "I think it's time to get you home to bed." Leaning over past Jensen, Jared placed the bottle on the counter behind his friend. "Let's go, Jen." Jared slipped his arm under Jensen's and pulled him in to lean against his side.

"Ah party pooper," Jensen mumbled and snuggled into Jared's side. He'd let the man lead him anywhere really. To bed to have his wicked way with him? Yes please. "Jen but not _Gen_ ," he felt the need to point this out and wrapped his arm around Jared's waist. They fit together like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Damn... Jensen was a little hungry. And horny. A lot horny.

Laughing, Jared dragged Jensen though the crowd of well-wishers and out into the cool night air. "I know who you are Jensen - you're quite different from my girl." He propped Jensen up against his truck, pressing him there with a hand on his chest, struggling to get the keys out of his pocket. The truck beeped when the doors unlocked and Jared lugged Jensen against his chest so he could open the door and shove him back into the cab. "Dude, you're heavy," he smiled but he was a bit worried. He'd had to _pour_ his friend into the drunk a few times lately. Either Jensen was under a lot of stress or there was more going on than he was telling his best friend.

My girl? The very sentiment made the beer churn unpleasantly in Jensen and he wondered if Jared would hate him for getting sick in his truck. He was only dimly aware of the vehicle moving. They hit some sort of speed bump and Jensen jumped, hands flailing for a moment before landing hard on the dash. The street line was burning red and Jensen turned away from it to gaze at his favorite person in the whole world. "I like your hair." He burst out, shifting across the seat only to find the seat belt held him in securely. Curse on the seat belt. "What... movie. We is watching?"

Jared laughed again, throwing his head back briefly then staring over at his friend. "Thanks," he mimed flipping his hair like a model, "and I think you're in _no_ shape to watch a movie. You should just go straight to bed." Jared gripped the steering wheel and turned out onto Granville. "You, my friend, are hammered."

"Mm not a hammer," Jensen shook his head hard twice before he realized that made his stomach churn worse. He fell against the door and watched his breath puff against the window. Reaching up a finger he traced the image of a shaky heart and put J in the middle. "Look!" He said excitedly, whipping around to look at Jared. When he turned back to the window the image was gone and he frowned. "But... my heart..."

Chuckling, Jared pulled into their driveway, "Jesus Jensen - you really gotta..." he shook his head. There was no point in telling Jensen he needed to lighten up on the drinking, especially not when he was so drunk he could barely stand. "Stay," he said, opening his door and moving around the truck quickly and pulling Jensen's door open. His friend practically fell out of the truck and ended up half dangling from the seat-belt with a ridiculous grin on his face. Laughter bubbled up out of Jared's chest again and he stepped back, leaned down and rested his hands on his thighs. "Dude..." he gasped for breath as he tried to get himself under control, " _no one_ makes me laugh like you do."

This warmed Jensen heart and he leaned heavy against Jared as the man undid his cursed seat belt. When Jensen inhaled he could _smell_ Jared, his shampoo, the faintest tinge of sweat, the cologne that Jensen loved. And Jared. It was good enough for Jensen too pull in a few more deep lung fulls. "Oh. OH! There was thish... the thing... erm..." Jensen struggled to remember something that had seemed _really_ important a few seconds ago. "You smell nice." He settled on and tumbled into Jared's arms the moment he was free, feet falling hard onto the chilly cement. If being drunk meant being nearly man handled by Jared, Jensen thought he really should get drunk more often.

Jared just shook his head and considered hauling Jensen up into a fireman's carry then thought better of it. "Ok, Jen - let's just get in the house." He grabbed Jensen's hand and tugged until he had his friend's arm around his neck. Jared managed to get them up the sidewalk and propped Jensen up against the door as he unlocked it. Shoving Jensen through the door Jared kicked it shut behind him and pressed Jensen up against the wall with his body as he fumbled with the cover on the alarm system.

There was _way_ too much Jared all of a sudden - but never enough - and Jensen blinked a few times in attempt to clear his mind. It was no use. There was too big a fuzz of alcohol and Jensen was lacking his better judgment. Down side to being completely and totally drunk he supposed. Jensen couldn't resist running his hand up Jared's arm, shaping the strong muscle through the man's coat. His hand kept going until he could touch the skin of the man's neck, could feel the pulse steady beneath his fingers. Then it was sliding back to curl into Jared's hair, weaving through the soft silk until it tangled against his flesh. It felt _really_ good and Jensen tugged softly, head tilting to the side. "Jay... Jare... Jared..." he repeated the name, rolled it over his tongue. There was the possibility that it was his favorite word to say.

Jared shook his head as he punched in the alarm code. "Drunk, drunk, drunk," he muttered back at Jensen, "get outta my hair dude." He shook off Jensen's hands and tugged his friend over to the sofa and let him fall down onto it. "Stay there, you move I'll kick yer ass. I'm going to get you some water and you're going to drink it or you're going to be a hurtin' in the morning." Jared's moved quickly to the kitchen, shrugging off his jacket as he went.

Jensen stared at his hand and wished that silky feeling would return along with Jared. Jensen didn't really want water; his belly was too full already. "Mm fine, really, I prove it. I can do the alphabeat... alphabit... alpha... I can go backward! See A B... oh wait..." Jensen blinked and looked up at Jared. "Where didcha go?" He'd been trying to prove a point he was certain but Jared sort of made that thought disappear.

Slipping back onto the couch beside Jensen, Jared put a glass of water in his friend's hand. "Here, drink," he shifted on the couch so he was leaning back against the arm, watching Jensen. "You okay?" He was worried. Genevieve had told him there was nothing wrong with Jensen, he was just _moody, like usual_. Jared knew there was more to it. What other people perceived as _moody_ , Jared knew was usually just Jensen trying to withdraw a little while he sorted something out. He tilted his head and watched Jensen's face, reaching out and brushing the man's hair back from his forehead. "You were all over the place tonight, Jen."

"Didn't do nothin'," Jensen shook his head and curled his fingers around the glass of water experimentally, wondering if he'd be able to keep his hand steady as he brought it to his lips. The water dribbled slightly down his chin, along his jaw and cascaded down his neck to settle somewhere below his shirt. It was cool, refreshing. Like the touch of Jared's fingers across his brow. When the glass was empty he held it out and sputtered on the remains in his mouth, letting more water travel the same path. His eyes burned when he dragged them up to Jared and he smiled. " _You_ were all over."

Smiling sadly, Jared sighed, "Jen, you're making a mess of yourself." Jared leaned forward and wiped the water off Jensen's neck and chest with his hand. "You sure you’re okay Jensen? This seems like an awful lotta drunk for someone who's ok." Jared's smile was soft, warm. He really did care about Jensen a lot. He couldn't begin to imagine what his life would have been like if they'd never ended up working on the show together.

That touch sizzled, burnt through Jensen's skin and sent his heart fluttering into high gear. Everything happened in slow motion, blurred at the edges as if the world were struggling to catch up with his fuzzy vision as he moved forward, crawled across Jared's lap and straddled him. That hair was still silky soft and tingled the palm of his hand and Jared's eyes were wide enough to see they were mostly green, flicked with hints of gold. Beneath his thighs Jensen could feel electricity, the heat of Jared's body and the thought snapped off like someone hit a switch inside his mind. And then his lips were against Jared's, off centered, noses bumping, but so _perfect_ Jensen considered the possibility he'd passed out and bumped his head leading to his certain death and thus... heaven. He opened his mouth, catching part of Jared's cheek before he could shift to taste the soft warmth of Jared's lips against his. Jensen was instantly hard and he rocked forward with a moan.

"Jesus Christ…" It took a few moments for Jared's brain to kick in and realize what was going on. He shoved Jensen roughly to the side, scrambling out from under him. "What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?" Jared stopped about five feet away from the couch although it didn't feel far enough. His lips were tingling, the taste of beer and Jensen on his lips, _on_ his lips. "Jensen? It's not okay if you're so drunk that you can't figure out I'm not some chick you're trying to pick up."

Jared was trying desperately, with every part of his being to forget the feel of Jensen's hardness as it rubbed against his body. That was _not_ what he thought it was. He would just wipe this from his memory when the evening was over. "Jensen, you need to go to bed now." Jared ran a hand through his hair and stood there, not knowing what the hell to do - but nervous about getting any closer.

Jensen had always thought people were exaggerating when they suggested a thing like "instant sobriety." He learned on this night that it was not an exaggeration. The flush that shot through his body rivaled the swell of vomit and Jensen stumbled back, eyes wide. Everything suddenly ached so instantly Jensen thought there was the possibility of his impending explosion into black nothingness. _Rejection._ It stung across his skin, burned at his eyes, and he stared at Jared with those wide eyes. "Shit. Sorry." They were the only two words he managed before spinning on his heels and darting for his bedroom. The door couldn't close fast enough and Jensen only hoped Jared didn't hear the sharp and sudden sob that wracked up his chest, clenched his lungs, had him dropping to his knees just inside the room.

Sighing and rubbing a hand down his face, Jared turned slowly, kicked off his shoes and wandered over to Jensen's bedroom door. He pressed his hand to the cool wood for a few moments, thinking, then knocked. No matter what happened, what was going on, Jensen was still his best friend. Jensen had always said there wasn't a single thing they couldn't work out, get through, fix... as long as they had each other's backs. "Jen? You okay?"

 _Of course_ Jared would come after him. He was a good guy - the best guy - but Jensen couldn't face him now. Shame coursed through him. How could he let himself do something as stupid as kissing his - straight, taken, perfect - best friend? It was like taking advantage of him and Jensen just wasn't that guy. He needed to get out of here, needed to get away from _everything_ for awhile and work this shit out. Obviously this pathetic and hopeless thing over Jared was going nowhere, he needed it _gone_. Climbing up off the floor Jensen rubbed his fists hard along his face and pulled in a couple deep lung fulls of oxygen. When he was certain he looked a little less like the complete and utter wreck that he was, Jensen tugged up the door slightly. "Felt sick. I'm better, just gonna sleep okay?"

Jensen looked like hell, and Jared's heart tightened just a little. "You sure, you want me to sit with you while you fall asleep? Can I get you anything?" The corner of his mouth twitched into a slight smile, "c'mon, I just wanna make sure you're okay." Jared was pretty sure his brain was only just beginning to sort through what had just happened in the living room - but - the fact remained, this was Jensen so it didn't really matter.

Despite the idea of Jared with him on his bed, Jensen knew it would not be something that helped in this new idea of getting over this. So he shook his head and inched the door closed further. "No man, I'm alright. Really. Just... drank too much." He wanted to apologize for the kiss but it seemed much smarter to not address it at all.

"Okay," it made Jared a little sad to be shut out, but he could see that something was eating Jensen up. "So - I'll see you in the morning? Take you to the airport?" He smiled sadly, letting his hand fall from Jensen's door.

Swallowing thickly Jensen forced his nod. "Yeah, see you then." His brain was already formulating and twisting plans, ideas falling one over the other. "Night Jared."

"'Kay, you know where I am if you need me." He smiled and took a couple of steps backward then turned and headed off to his bedroom.

As the door fell closed Jensen let his forehead rest against it. "I need you..." he breathed into the wood, palm resting against the cool surface. Being wrecked in so many ways was really a hard thing to manage sometimes.

It took him fifteen minutes to work his way to his laptop, pulling it open and turning it on with a sharp jab at the power button. As he waited for things to kick to life he moved around his room, rearranging the items he had packed. There was going to be hell to pay from his mama he was certain but Jensen was fairly good with excuses so he knew he could come up with something.

The website he used most often for buying airline tickets was bookmarked and Jensen clicked to it, tapping quickly at the keys until a selection of flights pulled up. There was a flight leaving in six hours for just over $800, it wasn't that bad for such short notice. Jensen booked it, realizing that the alcohol was still hanging around as he tried to focus in on his credit card numbers as he typed them in with one finger. He didn't select a return flight. Once he got to his destination he'd figure things out.

It took another hour for Jensen to rearrange the items he packed, sorting through to ensure he had the best selection of clothing, the items most form fitting. This wasn't like Jensen, last minute changes to his life, spur of the moment decisions, but it felt kind of... good. The next hour he spent staring at the wall, contemplating what he'd say to his mama, what he'd say to Jared... Jared... the kiss. The way his heart fluttered at just the flicker of the man's image in his mind. It was exactly the reason he was doing this.

It was two am when he finally pulled up a piece of paper and a pen, staring at the white page and letting his pen shift side to side as he turned over different phrases. Somehow: _Jared, I'm completely, 100%, head over heels in love with you. Also, completely fucked up. Spending the hiatus in Vegas to get you out of my system_ just didn't seem like it would do. There was always _Jared, you fuck me up in more ways than you can know. And I know it's not your fault so stop apologizing. Gonna go fuck random strangers who look like you and see if it helps._ That seemed even less promising.

In the end he settled on, _Jay, needed to take a break from things for awhile. Will call. Don't worry, I'm fine. See you soon, J._

He had just barely resisted the urge to write _love_. The note he left taped to his door and he crossed through the house in the dark, hesitating at the stairs and curling his fist on the railing. He stared up to where he knew Jared was sleeping - probably dreaming of Genevieve - until the headlights of the taxi illuminated the front window. With a soft sigh he released his tight grip on the railing and picked up his luggage, stepping out of their house and locking the door behind him.

-=-=-=-  
The few times Jensen had been to Vegas he had always been accompanied by other people. His father and older brother shortly after he turned twenty one, with Chris and Steve when he turned twenty five, with Jared and a variety of other friends between seasons two and three. This time was different and not just because he was alone. This time he had a goal, an agenda that didn’t involve gambling or stripper joints. This time it was all about Jensen’s new quest to be _over_ this far too gone thing for Jared. Things would be a lot easier for him when he went back if his system was just purged of things.  
He slept through the day having found no rest on the cramped flight. The hotel room he was in was nothing too lush, nothing to suggest he could afford better, but definitely not trashy. He stayed off the strip because it seemed easiest. Jensen had never really gone out with the purpose of picking someone up from a bar. Even in his younger twenties everyone he'd been with had been steady girlfriends. He just wasn't the sleeping around type.  
Then again he'd never thought he would find himself in love with a man - dreaming of him, jacking off to thoughts of him - so Jensen figured stepping out of his norm was the only way things were going to change.  
The first and second club he tried were misses. There were lots of attractive men, and he received more than a few interested looks, but none of them sparked an interest in him. It was one thing to appreciate someone's level of beauty, another thing completely to take them to bed with you.  
By the third club he was beginning to get a little concerned. Maybe he really only was Padalecki sexual. It was a scary idea, never being attracted to another person again all because of Jared. Jensen had to shake his head and tell himself it really was for the best that he'd ignored his friend’s calls that day. And his Mama's... he was really gonna have to call her back before she completely freaked on him.  
Shaking off the wave of guilt over being a bad son and a bad friend, Jensen dropped down onto the bar stool and ordered a drink. It was his fifth and things were getting a little fuzzy but pleasantly so. It was easier to deal with things like this anyway. The person that dropped into the seat beside him was entirely too close for casual and Jensen lifted his gaze from his beer to tell the person to back off.  
The words died in his mouth though. This guy... looked a lot like Jared: hair nearly the same length, a little longer and fanned across his shoulders but the same rich honey color. Jared's jaw line was more defined, skin a little smoother, eyes a little warmer, but it was close. Close enough to flare a shot of warmth through Jensen that had nothing to do with the alcohol working its way through his blood.  
"Hey," the man said. His voice was deeper than Jared's, more like Chris', and his breath smelt like beer but not bad. "I'm James."  
 _Perfect_. Apparently karma had chosen to turn a kind eye his way - making up for the past day he supposed - and Jensen smirked, reclined in his chair and tilted his legs toward the man's, knocking their knees together. "Jensen," he offered and wet his lips with another drink of beer. His mind filtered over ideas of what to say next. It seemed a little crude to just automatically suggest something more but Jensen really wasn't in the mood for small talk. How could he offer up cheap pick up lines like 'come here often' and 'lookin' for anything special' when all wanted was this to be _done_.  
"Wanna get out of here?" James suggested and it was really starting to look like things were turning in Jensen's favor.  
With any luck he could fuck this guy the rest of the night and catch a flight to Texas tomorrow. Problem solved. Or at least... out of his system. "Yeah, let's go." He drained his beer and stood, let the man rest a hand on the small of his back to guide him through the throngs of people.  
Turned out James wasn't nearly as tall as Jared, maybe five ten or so, but Jensen had a fairly active imagination, he could make do. And it wasn't like he was going to let this man _top_.  
The man didn't ask whose place they're going to so Jensen automatically told the taxi driver the name of his hotel. And then James was on him, half across his hips, lips burning like coal across his neck and Jensen's head fell back against the seat with a moan. It had been so _long_ since someone touched him like this, like they wanted him, like they _needed_ him and Jensen savored every moment.  
As they were stepping out of the taxi - Jensen dipping down to pay the driver - his phone rang in his pocket. Jared's name flashed across the caller ID and Jensen thumbed it off, ceasing the ring as they headed into the motel. James eyed him curiously but said nothing, which was good because Jensen wasn't in the mood to discuss personal things. In fact, the less the man knew the better. So far Jensen had spoken four words to him and if that was the extent of their conversation outside of sexual things, he'd be okay with it.  
When they stepped in the elevator he flipped the phone open. Eight missed calls from Jared, seven from his mom, and three from Chris. Man there was going to be hell to pay later, especially if Jared had dragged Chris into the whole ordeal. There were more than a dozen text messages but he ignored them all and held his thumb over the off button until the phone turned black.  
"So what are you into?" James asked as they stepped into Jensen's hotel room.  
Jensen wasn't familiar enough with this sort of thing to know _exactly_ what the man was talking about but he could guess easily enough. Tossing his phone, key card and wallet into the built in safe - never could be too careful with random strangers - Jensen closed the door and activated the lock before turning to him. "I top. It's my only real demand. You tell me anything else you want and I'll let you know if it's alright." And it was a pretty good thing Jensen knew how to act so well and could shove down the nerves, the unease, could pretend that he was confident and collected.  
James reached into his back pocket and pulled out a bag of white powder, reached into the other and retrieved a folded piece of paper. Jensen's eyes widened slightly as the man moved to the table and pulled out a chair, dropped down into it while tilting the bag slightly. "Good, can't wait to feel you buried in me," James smirked at him, tilting his head slightly to consider Jensen's stiff shoulders. "What's the matter? Never done a line?"  
Jensen had smoked pot a few times, drank more than a few, and that was the extent of his experimenting. The nerves in him intensified and he slid forward a step, shaking his head. "No, I don't... it's not really my thing."  
"It's good, doesn't hurt... well alright it stings a little but the affect..." James chuckled and pulled out a razor from the folded paper, taking a chunk of the white powder and chopping it into fine pieces. "It'll be the best sex you've ever had. Lasts for hours, makes everything so bright."  
There was a distinct shake to Jensen's hand as he stepped forward again. _Everything_ in him said no. No no no. This was _not_ a good idea. He could only imagine the look on Jared's face if he was ever to find out... but he wouldn't. This was going to happen once and that was it and Jensen would never speak of it again. That didn't mean he needed some fucked up drug to make it happen. "Alright," was the word that fell from his lips and Jensen blinked in surprise.  
James looked pleased and he divided the powder into two thin lines. Jensen had only ever seen this done in movies and he was fairly certain they weren't completely accurate. James opted to simply place his nose against the table, blocking one side as he inhaled sharply with the other and slid sideways. Jensen watched the powder disappear from the wooden surface and his belly flopped oddly.  
"C'mere," James murmured and rubbed his thighs.  
Jensen curled his fingers into fists before stepping forward and slowly shifting to sit on James' lap. The white line of powder stood out against the maple wood, glaring at Jensen like a warning. _Do this and there's no going back. This is it. Everything changes._ "I just... inhale?" Jensen asked quietly and James' hand ran up his spine under his shirt, fingers spreading open across his skin.  
"Yeah, plug one side of your nose and breathe in sharp. You'll see, it's easy."  
And it was.  
The powder disappeared just like that and the only thing Jensen had to show for it was a faint burning in the back of his throat. Like the time Jared made him laugh so hard he shot milk out his nose. Burning just like that. "I don't feel anything."  
"Takes time Jen," James chuckled and instantly set to work chopping up another line of white powder.  
Jensen shifted on the man’s lap, giving him room to stretch his arms out to the table. He curled his fingers over his knees to keep them from shaking and watched as James sucked up another line in the opposite nostril. A warm hand on the back of his neck guided Jensen down and he repeated the action just like James. The burn only intensified a little and Jensen blinked at the little remains of white on the table.  
"Here," James' voice was a rich murmur as he licked his thumb, pressing it down into the powder and bringing it up to Jensen's lips.  
A frown turned Jensen's lips down as he stared at it. "But you... I shouldn't..."  
" _Taste_ it. It'll only help," James smiled reassuringly and Jensen found himself wrapping fingers around James' wrist, bringing the hand forward and sucking the thumb between his lips.  
It tasted bitter on his tongue, unlike anything Jensen was capable of describing, but James' smile was pleased and Jensen felt the tiny spiral of thrill dance up in him.  
Within a half hour they'd finished off the little baggie James' had and things were taking on a strange sort of haze. It wasn't like being drunk, Jensen didn't feel like the world was going to tilt away and send him flying into space at any moment. Instead everything seemed more... mellow... warmer, richer, and Jensen kissed James' with long strokes of his tongue.  
There was really no saying how they ended up on the bed, just that they were there at some point and James was riding him, straddled across his waist and moving up and down and taking Jensen in without any preparation outside a condom. It was hot, deliriously so, and Jensen rolled his hips up and called him Jay. Fisted his hand in hair that was not quite silky enough and kissed lips that didn't kick start his heart but the thrusts did so it was all okay.  
They fucked for _hours_ or _days_ Jensen didn't really know. It just never seemed to end. James was on top of him then he was beneath him and Jensen was allowed to slam in hard, to spank and bite and tug hair and with the man on all fours beneath him he could really pretend.  
The sun was rising by the time Jensen could feel everything coming down, floating to the ground like a leaf from a tree - the last one of autumn that caught in the breeze and tried to stay up as long as possible - and Jensen fell asleep with a smile on his face.  
-=-=-=-  
When he woke the next afternoon the room was empty and a complete and total mess. There was the faintest buzz in the back of his mind but nothing like a hangover. Jensen was momentarily shocked with himself as he thought of the night before, some of that constant aching weight was gone so that seemed like a good thing. Stretching his arms high above his head he moved to the safe to retrieve his phone, knowing he'd put it off too long now.  
The voicemail box was completely full which had never happened to Jensen before. He made it through one worried message from his Mama and half of an equally concerned one from Jared before he stopped listening. When he called his mama's line the answering machine came on which actually worked out best. After a brief message ensuring them he wasn't dead, that he just needed some alone time, that he'd be in touch, Jensen flipped the phone shut and stared at it. He turned over the idea of calling Jared, flinched at the thought of confessing what he'd been up too, and left the phone sitting on the table in search for some clothes.

Just as he'd pulled on pants there was a knock at the door and Jensen's eyes widened. For one horrible moment he thought it might be Jared, that somehow the man had tracked him down, gone all Winchester and hunted him out. His eyes shifted across the room, looking for signs that would suggest what had taken place less than twelve hours ago. As it turned out he had no reason to worry. James was on the other side of the door, not Jared, and he was looking quite pleased with himself.

"Didn't expect to see you again," Jensen said, flushing a little at the harshness of it.

James' didn't miss a beat, simply stepped around Jensen and came into the room. The smell of coffee registered with Jensen, as familiar as oxygen, and Jensen looked over the paper bag and drink tray. "I always get hungry after a good night's fuck. Figured you would too. Hope you don't mind." He grinned at Jensen and held out a cup. "It's black but I've got sugar in the bag if you're interested."

It was a surprising gesture, one that Jensen was certainly not going to pass up, and he took the coffee with a thankful smile, popping off the lid and sipping experimentally. Definitely Starbucks, Jensen would know that taste anywhere. "I appreciate it. Uh... how's your..." Jensen gestured, remembering with a flash being a little over exuberant with his spanks.

James chuckled and pulled open the bag. "Sore. You can make it up to me later. Egg McMuffin?" He held out the wrapped food and Jensen blinked in surprise before taking it.

"Uh... thanks," he nodded, wondering for a moment if he was going to have let this guy down hard. It had seemed pretty obvious to him that they weren't in this for more than the sex but you never knew with some people.

"You're over thinking things, I can tell." James chuckled and reached back into the bag, pulling out a clear plastic Ziploc with a few tiny white round pills in it. "Why don't you take one of these? It'll help you relax."

A little light went off in Jensen's mind and he shook his head. This could easily turn into some really bad Lifetime movie if he wasn't careful. Doing a few lines was one thing but taking a mysterious white pill? No way. "I don't think so."

"Relax, it's just X. No biggie. It's way tamer than what you took last night," James rolled his eyes and handed the bag out to Jensen. "See look, you can even pick one out and I'll take it, to prove to you there's nothing wrong with it."  
Jensen eyed the bag, reaching out for it but stopping when his phone on the table rang to life. Jared flashed across the caller ID and Jensen wondered for a moment in the man had a radar installed, set to go off whenever Jensen was about to do something _really_ stupid.

"That your boyfriend?" James asked, glancing at the phone, still holding out the bag.

"No. He's not." Jensen shook his head, reached out to flip open his phone and quickly end the call before turning the device off once more. His gaze lifted to James and he reached out to curl a hand around the plastic bag.

-=-=-=-

Doing X wasn't that different from coke, James had been right. Only things were a little brighter - or a lot brighter - and Jensen giggled a lot more. Everything was super intense; every touch over extreme, and the way James looked up at him from his place buried in Jensen's crotch made him so hot he could hardly stand it.

They fell into this odd little pattern, days blurring into nights, sex, food, sex, coke, sex, X, food, shower, sleep, one after another after another and Jensen forgot all about his phone. Forgot about the world waiting for him outside the hotel room. Forgot about aching and being in love with someone who would never love him back that way. He never forgot about Jared though. Could never. No matter how many lines he snorted, how many pills he let dissolve on his tongue.

James was like a roller coaster of desire, always crawling over him, letting Jensen take him however he liked. And they did it _everywhere_. On the table, the chair, the bed, the shower. Along the floor, against the wall, against the window. Jensen was in a constant state of going up or coming down, of blissed out post coital dazes, coming so often and so much it was a wonder he had anything left in him.

In fact there was the distinct possibility that Jensen might have spent the rest of hiatus in that motel room with James - doing lines, fucking, and everything else that entailed - if it hadn't been for New Years. Jensen hadn't even known Christmas had passed. Actually he hadn't even known the past _three weeks_ had passed.

They would be due to start filming again within a couple of days and Jensen was a drugged up wreck who hadn't shaved in almost a month.

And... oh god... he hadn't turned his phone on since the time James had come back with the coffee. It was wonder there hadn't been a search and rescue team looking for him.

So the next morning Jensen did a final five lines of coke with the promise to himself that this was _it_ and that he needed it to make it through whatever was going to greet him in Vancouver. James handed over his number but Jensen knew he wouldn't call. Wouldn't even keep it. Something about the look in James' eyes told him he knew too.

They shared one last kiss before Jensen stumbled out of the hotel with his luggage and headed toward the airport, back to his normal life, back to Jared and their house. More than a little high and his hands shook.


	2. Chapter 2

At first, Jared did nothing but stare at his cell phone. It was shitty enough that Jensen took off and only left him a note but not answering Jared's calls was pretty nasty. He was worried. He'd called everyone they knew when Jensen hadn't answered his eighth or ninth phone call. Eventually, all Jared got when he called was a recorded message from a really annoying woman saying that Jensen's mailbox was full. Despite the fact that he was pissed off at Jensen he was halfway through packing a bag to head _somewhere_ \- he hadn't figured that part out yet - to search for his friend when he got a call from Jensen's Mom. She wasn't happy, _not_ happy at all but she assured Jared that his friend was alright enough to have left them a message saying that he needed some time alone.

Jared wasn't proud of it - but he had hurled his backpack across the room when he found out. He was glad that Jensen was okay, because when he saw him he was going to _kill_ him. It wasn't just that Jensen had pulled a disappearing act; it was the kiss that preceded it. He'd known Jensen was uneasy around him, different some how, then the incident in the living room had seemed to send him over the edge. Jared had spent the entire time that his best friend was away worrying himself stupid. It sucked.

Days became weeks and even though Jared's anger faded his worry didn't. He felt like Jensen had shut himself out of his life completely and he was hurt and guys weren't supposed to _get_ hurt by their best friend's. It wasn't until he got his filming schedule that the doubt started to creep into Jared's mind. What if Jensen didn't come back? Surely, he thought, Jensen wouldn't bail on the show. But then, prior to this insanity, Jared would have told anyone who asked that Jensen wouldn't bail on his best friend. He spent a lot of time watching TV, his cell phone sitting on the coffee table in front of him. In fact, that was exactly where he was the day Jensen came back.

Jensen had harbored this thought that he could handle this and it turned out to be ridiculous. From the very _moment_ the taxi driver turned into the neighborhood Jensen's heart shot into overdrive. His palms were sweaty, his high was fading fast, and Jensen needed a fix before he could face this. Only that wasn't so easy. It's not like James was going to magically appear to offer him a line. Jensen shifted on the seat and stuffed his hand into his pocket to pull out his phone. What he pulled out instead was a tiny folded piece of paper.

Unfolding it, his heart nearly stuttered to a halt when two familiar white pills slid onto his palm. He couldn't _believe_ that James had been stupid enough to send him off with those. If he'd been searched at customs he would have been completely busted and that would have ruined more than he could imagine. Jensen stared at the pills, reaching out to roll down the window to throw them out. Only they were turning onto his street and the house was coming up, and of course Jared's truck was in the driveway.

Jensen popped the two pills into his mouth and worked saliva over them, willing them to dissolve as quickly as possible. By the time the taxi stopped they were just bare traces of faint bitterness along his tongue and Jensen dug into his wallet for some money before stepping out and walking to the trunk to retrieve his luggage. His palms shook, his blood boiled, and still Jensen couldn't wait to see Jared.

Even after everything the man was the only thing that shoved to the front of his mind. Their one little kiss, only the vaguest whisper of a memory. Jensen sighed and carried his bag up the walk, holding his breath until his key slid successfully into the lock and he turned it, pushing the door open.

As if it were any other time the dogs ran up to greet him first. Jensen set his bag to the side and knelt to rub at both of their heads, laughing softly at their affectionate kisses. And when he looked up... there was Jared. "Hi..." he said softly and pushed up so he was standing; bracing himself for whatever was coming next.

Jared was surprised at the emotions that ran through him when he saw Jensen. He looked terrible. He was pale, there were dark circles under his eyes, his face was drawn; Jared stood up and walked over, petting Sadie's head as she nosed into his palm. "Hi Jensen."

Wetting his lips Jensen watched Jared pet Sadie and mentally counted by the minutes into the little white pills would kick in. His palms were sweating and that all too familiar ache in his heart was burning. Jared looked just as good - better, a sight for sore eyes - and Jensen couldn't believe that he ever thought James was comparable to this specimen of yes Greek-gods-do-exist beauty. A faint whir of relief curled through him and Jensen smiled, "Hey, Jared, it's good to see you."

What Jared wanted to say was _I thought you'd left me for good_. "You look tired, where ya been?" Jared was fighting the urge to gather Jensen up into his arms and hug the shit out of him.

"Uh..." Jensen rubbed at his neck, chuckled and looked down at the ground. "Vegas." He wasn't really planning on telling the truth but there was already plenty of lying going on here and Jensen decided his brain would need help enough as it was keeping them all straight. Another laugh fell from his lips - slightly giddy as his buzz built - and Jensen curled his fingers around his suitcase, lifting it and heading for his room. "Man I'm sorry I didn't call. Just needed to sort through shit you know?" He said the words over his shoulder as he walked.

Jared shrugged a shoulder. "Yeah, I guess. I was worried man." Jared gave up on the pretense that he wasn't really _fucking_ glad to see Jensen alive, and in one piece. He stepped around Sadie quickly and drew Jensen into his arms, squeezing him tightly. "I was really goddamn worried," he murmured against Jensen's hair. He'd be mad later.

Jensen's shoulders stiffened under Jared's touch. He had taken a too brief shower at the hotel, stopping long enough to shave, and he wondered if the smell of James' sweat and come still lingered on him. Jensen felt sick at the idea of Jared smelling that. So he stepped back from Jared's arms and forced a smile. "I knew you would be even if I told you not to be. You worry too much Jay; it's not healthy for you." Jensen continued his pursuit to his bedroom, body shaking slightly, mind praying the pills would kick in before the feel of Jared's arms around him could shift into their usual ache of not enough touch.

"Jensen?" He couldn't help it; Jared was surprised that Jensen pulled away from him so quickly. It made his heart ache a little, first, Jensen took off because he couldn't talk to Jared about his problem, now, he didn't want to touch Jared. Sucking on his bottom lip, Jared watched Jensen's back as he left the room.

Throwing the bag on the bed, Jensen pulled in a deep breath and stared down at his duvet. He could do this. He could be strong. He could prove to himself that there was more to him than loving Jared. If only he could get passed the initial burn of it all. What he _really_ needed was something to dull the pain. Something that would keep him... mellow. Jensen pulled his keys from his pocket and stepped back out of the room. "Hey I need to run to the store. Do you need anything?" He asked, already heading for the door, shifting his coat around his shoulders.

Jared stood up, rubbing his hands on his jeans, "I could go with you, want some company?" He just wanted to spend some time with Jensen, like they used to - grab a couple of beers and watch a game or something. He smiled warmly.

"Oh uh... actually... I was gonna call my mama, you know, let her know I'm still breathing and stuff. She's probably gonna yell, it's not gonna be pretty." He smiled and curled his hand around the door knob. "But we'll do something when I get back yeah? Watch a movie or something? You can tell me what you got for Christmas." He turned slightly to meet Jared's eyes, dropping the gaze almost instantly in case the man could tell what he was up too.

"Jensen... are we okay? I mean... all this..." Jared gestured with his hand, "the trip, did I do something wrong?’Cause if I did - if you just let me know I can fix it." He'd never felt so shut off from his best friend, not the entire time that they'd known each other. He took a step closer to the door, closer to his friend, ducked his head so he could try and make eye-contact.

Jensen sighed and looked up, shaking his head. "No Jared... you didn't do anything wrong. I'll see you later okay?" With that he turned and stepped out the door, tugging it shut behind him.

Sighing, Jared called the dogs and walked into the living room as they bounced around him. He flopped down on the couch, suddenly not feeling quite so glad Jensen was back.

-=-=-=-

It was slightly easier than Jensen expected, finding someone who sold the stuff at a shady looking night club. They had to wait around for awhile for the supplier - and there was a possibility Jensen over paid - but the guy shared a couple lines and gave him a blow job in the back stall of the slightly sketchy bathroom so it was worth it. He even threw in a new razor, still in its wrapping and Jensen punched the man's number into his contact box. Though he told himself resolutely that this was it. He just needed this last little bit to help with the transition back to twenty four seven Jared. Then he'd stop.

On his way home Jensen pulled into a secluded spot behind a patch of trees on a domestic street. He was fairly certain no one could see him but his hands still shook as he grabbed the nearest flat surface - the DVD case for Cry Wolf ironic and slightly pathetic since it had been in his car waiting for Jensen to ensure Jared was no where around when he brought it in. James had shown him the art of cutting up the perfect line and Jensen made himself two. A third, before cleaning up the mess, running the flat of the blade along his tongue on both sides to pull off all the excess, slipping his fingers between his lips to suck in the bitter powder.

Jensen pulled in a breath, the lines from earlier curled through him. As he tucked the bag into his pocket he rested his hands on the steering wheel and let oblivion consume him.

By the time he arrived home - around two hours later - the buzz had morphed into a cloudy fugue, like walking on clouds or across a bubble bath. Jared was watching a football game - or some game, there seemed to be players and cheering - and Jensen strolled casually to the couch, ruffling a hand in Jared's hair and enjoying the way it carded between his fingers. He continued walking before Jared could think much of the touch and crossed around the couch, dropping down onto the vacant side. It was worlds easier to be around Jared now, without the tension tightening his shoulders, knowing he was in control of himself to not launch his body at his friend and kiss him. It was a relief, it soothed his heart, and Jensen entertained the possibility that - like this, five lines in - he could handle being only friends.

"Who's winning?" He gestured to the TV before turning to Jared and smiling.

Jared picked up the remote and flicked the TV off. "You've been gone a long time." He stared straight ahead at the blank screen unable to look at his friend. Jared had a long fuse when it came to his temper, but it was starting to burn pretty low with Jensen. He was pretty sure that they had a close enough friendship that he warranted more than a greeting before Jensen took off again for hours. There was a whole lot of _not_ telling Jared things going on.

"I got caught up," Jensen shrugged and scratched at something on his denim clad thigh. Jared didn't sound too happy and Jensen wondered what was wrong. He considered asking but there was a possibility it could have something to do with Gennawhateverthefuck and Jensen didn't feel like addressing the demon woman. "Look man, I'm sorry for everything okay? Things have been... I've just been going through some stuff. So you know, it just seemed easiest to go away for awhile." He shrugged and lifted his eyes up to Jared, letting the coke swirling through his system pull up his lips. "Can you forgive me for being a dick?"

Jared shrugged, "Jen, it's not about you needed space or _whatever_ , I get that. Just don't... don't shut me out." He knew that he was going out on a limb, Jensen hated it when Jared got all _sensitive-new-age-guy_ on him. Even though Jensen kept assuring him that he was okay, it just didn't sit right with Jared. He turned to look at his friend and noticed how flushed he was, odd. "You sick or something?" He reached out without thinking and rested the back of his fingers against Jensen's forehead, "you're kinda hot."

Jensen laughed, not because it was funny but because Jared's fingers were like sparklers against his skin and Jensen's oversensitive senses honed in on the touch. Laughing was just the automatic reaction to the swell of his heart, the flutter of heat in his crotch. He didn't think after three weeks of near constant sex he'd be hard again so soon but well... it was Jared. So he shouldn’t have been surprised. "Dude, you sound like my Mama. I'm _fine_. Now tell me about how you spent your holiday." He fluttered his eyes, remembering for a moment after he closed them that he needed to open them again.

"Mostly, I worried about you." Jared folded his arms and sat back on the couch, he wasn't quite feeling as done with things as Jensen seemed to be. "Let's see, I phoned you and texted and emailed; that covers the first week. Then I was packing to leave for the airport to come and find you when your Mom called and told me _she_ had heard from you." He looked over at Jensen, eyebrow raised, "yeah, that was cool - waiting around here worrying and you called her but not me." It was stupid to even feel that way, he knew it, but when it came to Jensen he was starting to realize his feelings were all over the place. "After I heard you were _alive_ , I spent the next week being pissed of at you." He studied Jensen's face, the tiny laugh lines at the corner's of his eyes, how pale his lips were; "and I spent Christmas with Genevieve's family... they came up here."

Guilt was swimming through him but Jensen was able to ignore when the flare of annoyance at _her_ name surged up. Yeah, Jensen had been a dick not to call but Jared couldn't understand the sheer level of miserable he was. And really, Jensen had done it for Jared's own good, to ensure there were no more drunken kisses and that their friendship remained intact. "Huh... Christmas with her family... sounds _stimulating_ ," he snorted and bit back the urge to make some sarcastic remark about a family of talentless, bull frog lemmings.

Jared's brow furrowed and he shifted on the couch to pull his leg up in front of him. "Do you have some kind of problem with Genevieve?" He blinked at Jensen, watching his friend's face for a sign that he was joking.

 _Only that she gets to have you in every way I've wanted to for years._ "Nah Jay, she's fine. Not my girlfriend, doesn't matter." He shrugged and clung to the wisps of relaxation dancing across his brain. "So I should call... people huh? Chris is gonna kick my _ass_. Thanks for that by the way."

Jared looked down at his hands, twisting in his lap. "What do you mean... not _my_ girlfriend?" Frankly, Jared was tempted to hand Jensen a phone right now, hell, he'd even dial Chris' number because he _knew_ Chris was going to tear him a new one.

"I mean I'm not fucking her." Jensen snapped and blinked at the table. "So you know... damn I should really call my Mama." He shifted to the edge of the couch.

Jared's eyes were wide, "you should really _not_ talk about my girl that way." Jared moved to the edge of the couch then stood up, "yeah, you should call your Mom. Just don't treat her the way you're treating me." He dragged a hand down over his face.

Jensen really didn't want to hear things like _my girl_. He needed a break. He needed a line. Pushing up from the couch Jensen shook his head. "Touchy touchy," he breathed and headed for the door to his bedroom, fingers already curling around the bag in his pocket. "See ya around Jared." Jensen stepped across the threshold to his room and reached out for the door.

Staring at the empty couch, Jared blinked a few times. _What the hell just happened?_. In the years that Jared had been friends with Jensen he'd never heard him be disrespectful to anyone let alone a woman. Jensen was always the perfect example of what the women on the crew liked to call _southern Texan charm_ ; reserved, maybe even a little shy at times, respectful, caring, and sweet. He shook his head. Jared had no idea what was going on with Jensen.

He walked back over to the couch and flopped down on his side, tucking the pillow under his head. At least, he might find it a little easier to sleep now Jensen was back. He closed his eyes and sighed, wondering sadly how it was possible to miss Jensen _more_ now he was actually back home.

The line of white powder disappeared from the table and Jensen's whole body shook. The way Jared's eyes had burned at him, the tone of the man's voice when _she'd_ come into the discussion, everything regarding that conversation settled like a weight on his shoulders and Jensen had to pull in sharp white to make it go away. He _had_ too. There was no other way he could take this anymore. How the hell was Jensen supposed to continue to be around someone he loved so much it hurt every inch of him?

-=-=-

It was early when Jared rolled over and checked the clock on his blackberry. Kicking off the covers he threw his legs over the edge of the bed and stretched. Sadie and Harley nosed the bedroom door open - somehow they always knew when Jared was awake. He grinned as they padded over to him for their scratches behind the ears. "Should we make Jensen some breakfast, guys?" Sadie whined happily, her butt wiggling. "Okay, breakfast it is."

After a quick shower, Jared threw on some jeans and a t-shirt and headed down into the kitchen. The first thing he did was make a big pot of coffee, smiling as he followed the instructions Jensen had scrawled out on a notepad shortly after he'd moved in. He was convinced Jared was trying to kill him the first morning he made coffee; Jensen said it tasted like dishwater and insisted on writing out the perfect formula for coffee making. Jared kept the note stuck to the fridge with a magnet for the times when he needed to point out what a _Princess_ Jensen could be in the mornings.

A quick look in the fridge decided the menu for Jared; bacon and eggs. He pulled out everything he needed and got started. The coffee was almost finished by the time he had the breakfast just about ready. "Jensen!" He yelled over towards his roommate's door. "Come out here ya lazy ass - I made you breakfast!" He _accidently_ dropped a piece of bacon in front of each dog and put a finger up to his lips "shh, don't tell anyone." He smiled and flipped Jensen's eggs one last time.

Jensen had to take a moment to steady himself on the mattress, blinking down at the carpet to shake off fuzzy sleep. His eyes drifted toward the table, specifically to the box he'd stashed the white powder in. Eying the door, he pushed up and crossed to it, working quickly to get what he needed. It hit him as not a good sign that he needed this before going out there but chances were Jared was going to be wearing his boxers and a t shirt and he always looked so good like that.

Roughly five minutes later his nose burned on each side and he tugged on a shirt, ruffling his hair and stepping into jeans before heading for the door. Jared was dressed - thankfully - and the smell of sizzling bacon hit him like a hand squeezing his stomach. "Coffee," Jensen mumbled, heading directly for the pot. "Feeling hungry this morning?" He asked and sniffed, rubbing at his nose with the back of his hand.

"Made you breakfast - last day of freedom before we go back to shooting." He smiled as he watched Jensen shuffle over to the coffee pot. "You getting a cold? Kripke will _kill_ you if you get sick just as we start. Dude - this season is mostly Dean!" He put two eggs and most of the bacon on Jensen's plate; it was a Texan thing - eating would make you feel better. "On the counter when you're ready." He slid the plate over to Jensen's usual place, grabbed a knife and fork and set them down.

Jensen watched the dark liquid fill the cup and he shook his head. "Not sick," he mumbled and brought the cup up, sipping. It was just the way he liked it. "Thanks Jared." Jensen said softly and crossed to the plate, pulling out the chair. The food made his stomach churn unpleasantly. "So whatcha up too today?" He asked, looking up at Jared and sipping from his mug.

Jared smiled. "I thought you might wanna hang out, maybe we could take the dogs for a run down by the ocean? Or ice cream? And... I invited Chris over tonight - told him you'd BBQ steaks. He says you owe him but he assures me he _won't_ kill you if you feed him."

With a slight flinch, Jensen picked at the bacon, breaking it into pieces. "Not feeling up to a run but yeah, ice cream or whatever you want is fine with me. I can't believe you invited Chris over... still forgot to call him last night. And my Mama. Damn, I really should do that." Jensen sniffed and rubbed his nose again. It itched weirdly, as if reminding him there was a way to not feel so suddenly nervous. He knew Jared was just trying to be nice, Jared was always trying to be nice; it was Jensen who had the issues.

As he turned off the stove, Jared shoved his eggs and bacon onto his plate and swung around to put it on the counter. He stood there for a moment then moved around the counter and grabbed Jensen in one of his patented hugs, the kind the crew were always joking was just like being wrapped up in Jared. "I missed you, dude." He grinned against his friend's hair and squeezed him a little then let go. "Ice cream later and we'll pick up stuff to feed Chris this afternoon. Even _I_ don't want him to kill you." Moving back around the counter Jared sat down and dug into his breakfast. It didn't taste quite as good as he expected; that could be because he'd just hugged his best friend and Jensen hadn't hugged him back for the first time ever.

The food on the plate in front of him mocked him and Jensen's body thrummed from Jared's hug. He wanted to hide in his room, he wanted to snort a line and drift into oblivion, he wanted to crawl into Jared's lap and beg him to take away all these things that were eating away at his heart. Jensen settled for standing. "Yeah Jared, I missed you too." He said softly and picked up half a piece of bacon, popping it into his mouth before turning. "Think I'm gonna take a quick shower." His fingers curled around the coffee mug and he brought it up, finishing off the contents quickly.

"Jen? You didn't even eat anything." Jared eyed his friend's stiff shoulders.

"Yeah I did, had some bacon," Jensen was well aware that his voice sounded gruff and raw, though he was not very certain why. To prove his point he snatched at another half piece of bacon and popped it in his mouth. "I'm just not very hungry this mornin' is all. Thanks though." He smiled softly and shrugged.

Jared's shoulders sagged a little and he brushed his hair off his forehead. "Okay, Jen." He dropped his fork on his plate and sighed. "Let me know when you... want to go out."

It was pretty obvious that Jared was concerned and if Jensen were a better person - less selfish, less aching, and less needy - he probably would have tried to reassure him. Instead he nodded and headed for his bedroom.

By the time Jensen worked up the motivation to shower his mind was pleasantly numb. And it was already almost noon when he managed to work up the nerve to leave his room, bag tucked securely in his jean pocket. Jared was sitting on the couch in silence, petting the dogs though it seemed more habit than anything else. Jensen noticed the way his eyes didn't light up at seeing him, more laced with concern. It made Jensen feel all sorts of wrong. Which was instantly followed by the need to not feel anything at all.

They went to one of Jensen's favorite sandwich shops since it was about that time for lunch. Jared knew his usual order so Jensen didn't feel too guilty for heading to the bathroom. Locking the door and doing a line off the porcelain sink. That did spark up some guilt but he ignored it. Jensen stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked like shit. Swallowing thickly he splashed water on his face - one more line, just to be safe - and headed out to Jared.

Their food was already there but Jensen could hardly bring himself to take more than a couple bites. The food sat unpleasant and thick in his stomach and Jensen pushed it away. He could tell Jared wanted to say something about it, thankfully he didn't. And for the first time in all the years he'd known Jared, Jensen found himself struggling to come up with a conversation topic. It was awkward and quiet and so unlike how it should be Jensen's heart stung for a completely different reason. It had never been part of the plan to loose his best friend along with the crush. Now it seemed he was loosing the man though still ridiculously head over heels for him. Cruel, cruel fate.

Jensen excused himself for another bathroom trip before they left. And another the moment they set foot in the grocery store.

It was much easier to walk the isles with Jared now that his mind felt pleasantly fuzzy and Jensen laughed at stupid things, made jokes that weren't funny. Jared didn't laugh so much as the occasional chuckle but Jensen didn't really notice. Everything was bright and pleasant and Jensen lingered back to watch the sway of Jared's hips as he walked.

By the time they got home Jensen was blinking in slow motion and he left Jared to arrange the groceries, locking himself in his room to whittle away the afternoon before Chris showed up. He told himself it was okay to do more because the evening was going to be rough and he was going to need the relaxation to get through it.

-=-=-=-

At the sound of the doorbell Jensen hurried through one last quick inhale, sniffing several times before heading for the door. Jared was already greeting Chris and Jensen stiffened his shoulders, watched his friend hug Jared cheerfully before stepping back and zeroing in on him. Chris' face was a hard line as he approached, hands dropping to either side of Jensen's shoulders. "Jesus Jen, you look like fuckin' death," Chris' eyebrows pulled in on themselves and he tugged forward to wrap his arms around Jensen.

Jensen's brain was a little slow and he didn't manage to get his arms up before he was stepping back, like things weren't connecting right. Which was probably the truth. "Thanks Chris, good to see you too." He forced a chuckle and ran a hand through his hair as he headed for the backdoor. "I'll get the grill going." He fled outside before Chris could hound him any further.

Chris stared at the closing door before turning to Jared with wide eyes. "Dude. What the fuck?"

Shrugging Jared stuffed his hands in his pockets. " _You_ tell me, Chris." He looked over at the backdoor like somehow, an answer was going to appear in front of him magically. "Things got a bit weird before Jensen... took off." Running a hand through his hair, Jared moved over to the fridge and yanked the door open. "He got really drunk at our wrap party," his voice was muffled by the fridge door as he rooted around for the steaks. "He... well, he was _really_ drunk," Jared's head popped back up and he nudged the fridge door shut with his hip, turning to put the steaks on the counter. "He kind of..." he made circular motions with his hands, not quite sure what to say, "got on me, and tried to - well - he did kiss me." He could feel the flush creeping up his neck. "Then I shoved him off, and he took off like a bat out of hell 'cause he got sick. He was in Vegas - did he tell you? I have no idea what he did the whole time he was there but he looks like hell." Jared scratched his head and looked over at Chris.

A frown tugged down Chris' lips and he moved across the room until he could see out the back window, watching Jensen stare at the grill as if having a silent telepathic conversation, hands stuffed into the pockets on his sweat shirt. "Hmm..." he hummed in thought, carding a hand up through his thick hair. "Vegas huh? Jen's not much of a gambler... you say he kissed you?" Chris pulled his eyes up to Jared and stepped toward the kitchen. "Has he ever... done anything like that before? Or said anything weird along those lines?"

Brushing it off was easier than trying to figure out what else it mean, "No," Jared shrugged, he'd never really thought about it anyway. "Chris he was hammered, seriously - he could have thought I was anyone. And - I don't even think he remembers it, he didn't say anything about it." Chris' silence was just worrying Jared even more.

Lifting a shoulder Chris shook his head, "I know Jensen pretty well, and... I'm fairly certain he remembers." Chris sighed. "One look at the man and I'm concerned, more than I was with this random disappearing thing. Just... let's talk before I leave tonight okay? I wanna chat with Jen; see if I can figure out what's going on." Chris looked toward the door. "Want me to take those steaks out too him?"

"Sure," Jared had hoped that Chris would have some sort of magic explanation for the way his friend was acting. He'd known Jensen longer than Jared had and if Chris was stumped it was a bit of an eye opener. "Go easy on him, 'kay?" He smiled and handed Chris the plate.

"I'll only kick his ass a little," Chris said with a chuckle and grabbed the plate, heading for the back door.

Jensen's hand was shaking and he stared at it, watched the way the air around it seemed to vibrate with the motions. He was so intent on the staring he didn't even hear the door open, wasn't even aware of Chris until a hand was falling hard on his shoulder. Jensen nearly leaped out of his skin and he whipped around, arms flailing and nearly knocking the plate from Chris' hand. " _Jesus_ Chris! Give a guy some warning."

Chris frowned and set the plate on the table by the grill. "I said your name less than a minute ago," Chris dragged a hand through his hair and stepped back to fold his arms across his chest. "What's the deal Jen? You on crack or something?"

Jensen's eyes widened and he turned to Chris, only to watch him laugh and shake his head. It was a _joke_ but it had Jensen's heart racing. "Uh yeah, sure Chris. You know me... I love my crack." Jensen attempted a laugh, fumbled over it, and watched Chris' expression shift. No good, no good at all. Chris knew him too well, wasn't blinded by Jared's occasional obliviousness or the thought that Jensen could do no wrong. Chris _knew_ Jensen could do wrong.

"What happened in Vegas?" Chris was apparently not in the mood for small talk.

Wetting his lips Jensen busied himself with throwing the food on the grill, sniffing and dragging his nose across his arm to fight off the itch. "Just hung out, relaxed, had some me time."

"And...?" Chris sighed and walked to the cooler Jared had dragged out earlier, pulling out a couple beers and bringing one to rest beside Jensen, popping the top off his own. Jensen didn't answer besides grabbing the beer and Chris rolled his eyes, "Don't fuck with me Jen, you don't come back looking like you do if you spent three weeks _relaxing_."

"I just... it was... I hooked up with a... person. And it was no big deal. Just didn't get as much sleep as I should have," Jensen shook his head and looked toward the door. He tilted the bottle back and drained the liquid, trying to figure out what was taking Jared so long. When he finally set down the bottle he stepped back from the grill. "Watch those okay? I need to piss." He left before Chris could have a chance to continue his interrogation. Jared was still in the kitchen, fiddling around with whatever and Jensen frowned as he came closer. "Jared come on, Chris is killing me out there."

Laughing softly, Jared turned and pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Give him a break; he's just worried about you. Tackle him to the ground or something - ask about his music. I gotta call Genevieve - it's my turn, she's back in L.A. for a few weeks." He grinned, feeling his cheeks warm a little. "I'll be out when I'm done."

Jensen blinked at him and turned, heading for his bedroom. Too much. It was all too much. He shouldn't be this fucked up that just the mention of the girl got his blood boiling. It shouldn't flare up that intense jealousy shouldn't make him feel like there was no option but to escape. For the first time in the past almost month Jensen started to wonder if he was getting a little in over his head.

The safest place to do this was the bathroom in his room, especially with Chris there, and when he stepped back onto the back deck ten minutes later, Chris was pulling the steaks of the grill and scowling. "Shit, sorry Chris... I..."

"Spare me Jen," Chris shook his head and cut into one of the pieces of meat to check how done it was. "I didn't come to cook my own dinner. What is with you man?"

"I thought I was supposed to spare you?" Jensen snorted as he moved across the deck, dropping into a chair and reaching out for another beer. Jared still hadn't joined them and Jensen's heart ached. Really, the affect of the drug should be instantaneous, it would really help. "How's filming going? You liking it?"

"Of course, it's good to be on a show again," Chris nodded and shifted the steaks onto separate plates, setting one in front of Jensen. "What about for you? I heard Jared is seeing Genevieve."

Jensen scoffed, "Let's not discuss it alright?" He looked up quickly when Chris coughed and watched the man's eyes narrow suspiciously. "Jared's girlfriend has nothing to do with filming. And it's going fine. Harder this year, lot more to do." Jensen was spared any further questions by the arrival of Jared who was carrying a plate of potatoes and steak sauce.

"Hey guys, sorry, Genevieve just got some good new. She might have a line on a new show - would be good for her." He slid the plates on to the table and flopped down on an empty chair. "Thanks for cooking, Jen." The grin on his face came naturally to him when Jensen was involved. He had to admit he was feeling quite relieved to have Chris around, hoping he would be able to figure out what was bothering Jensen.

"I cooked, Jen was nowhere to be found," Chris scoffed as he settled in at the table.

Jensen flushed softly, "I was in the bathroom..." He didn't have to look up to know Chris was rolling his eyes.

"So Jared when does Genevieve come back?" Chris turned to him, cutting into his steak. "How are things going with her?"

Smiling, Jared looked down at his lap. "S'good, she's really sweet. I was going to head down to L.A. next weekend after our first week of shooting but I canceled my trip... decided to spend some time with my man here." He looked up and flashed a grin at Jensen then turned back to Chris. "Seriously? She's great - I really enjoy spending time with her, she's a good friend." He shrugged, "don't think Jen likes her much though," he teased.

Jensen stabbed at his steak, cutting it into tiny little pieces. "She's fine." He added belatedly.

Chris arched eyebrows and ate a bite or two. "Something wrong with your steak?"

"It's fine. Everything's fine. God." Jensen shook his head and placed a tiny piece of meat in his mouth.

"Jen!" Jared had just about had enough. He tossed his fork down on the table, "Look, man, I know you've got something going on -but don't treat us like shit just 'cause you're feeling crappy." He blinked, not sure which of them was more shocked that Jared had finally spoken up.

The unpleasant sinking in Jensen's heart accompanied the buzzing in his mind and Jensen pushed up. "You're right. Sorry." He turned and headed indoors, slamming the door hard enough behind him that the house shook slightly.

Chris frowned deeply and shook his head, "Not good. This whole thing... Jensen's really just..." He sighed and looked at Jared, sipping from his beer. "What do you make of it?"

Jared was still cringing when he looked over at Chris; he ran both hands down his face and groaned. "Chris, I've never seen him like this - I don't get it." He glanced back at the door, "should I got after him or let him be?"

"I'm not sure what you could say," Chris shook his head. "I've never seen him like this either. He's so... pasty. I get that it's not exactly sun bathing weather but seriously..." Chris gazed at the door as if he expected Jensen to come back out at any moment. "Jared, I think he might be on something."

"He's had a couple beers, but that's about it." Jared looked over a Chris and realization dawned on him, "oh." _That_ wasn't something that had occurred to him. "So... what does that mean? What do I do?" Tendrils of fear had started to wrap around his heart.

"Well I can't say I have a lot of experience with these types of things..." Chris' sigh was small and held a certain level of concern. "Shit... Jensen..." he shook his head and shoved a hand up through his hair. "I don't think he'll respond well to being confronted. Maybe you should just keep an eye on him for awhile, see if he snaps out of this or if it really is something more. We don't want to drive him further away by flat out asking, especially if I'm wrong."

"Okay," Jared felt like a fish out of water. There was only one person he always talked to when he felt this rattled by something but he was inside, locked in his room, doing God knows what. "I... Okay... I just don't want to... lose him ya know? He's my best friend." There was a sadness welling up inside Jared, he had a bad feeling about this.

"I know Jared," Chris reached out and squeezed his hand. "We'll figure this out."

Jared sighed and nodded, even though he wished he had the same faith that Chris did in their ability to reach Jensen.


	3. Chapter 3

It was some sort of twisted miracle that got Jensen through his first week back on set. Everything boiled down to a series of careful steps, sneaking into dark shadows for that one hit to keep him functioning. The first day he attempted to do it sober but hardly two hours on set and he knew it was impossible. Jared and he were filming some emotional scene, trying to mend this twisted brother relationship, and the way Jared's eyes lingered so softly on him had Jensen's heart missing a beat. When Jared was playing Sam he looked at him with a type of devotion Jensen found soul shaking.

He'd fumbled dialogue for a solid half hour before he finally excused himself and bee lined for the nearest bathroom. As it turned out Jensen could hold his shaking hand still long enough to pour the pre-chopped powder out in a shifting line before inhaling swiftly. His nose felt raw, abused, but his mind swam and the pain dulled so Jensen could live with the side affects. When he'd stepped out of the room Jared was right there, looking at him curiously. It unnerved Jensen and he had to walk away with his head down incase Jared could read the truth in his eyes. Things had been off since the night before anyway, even though all Jensen had done was lock himself in his room, not coming out even after he heard Chris leave, even when Jared tapped on the wood and called his name.

The next day Jensen left set during his lunch to get _more_. He'd already made the call, arranged for a meet so he knew he'd be alright time wise. And he shared a couple lines with the guy - who's name was David, though it hardly mattered - before he fucked him in the back seat of the guy's car. It hadn't been something he was planning on doing, but the guy was interested after the whole blow job in the bathroom thing before, and Jensen could use the release. The guy had made some comment about Jensen having a party since he blew through the eight ball in a matter of days and Jensen didn't realize before that he was going through the stash faster than the average druggie would.

And Jensen didn't consider himself a druggie, but the term popped into his mind before he could second guess it. Needless to say he had to do a few more lines before he was brave enough to step onto set once more. Jared was almost instantly at his side, asking him what he'd gotten up to on their lunch and Jensen's heart lurched. He opened his mouth and considered telling Jared everything that was happening to him but a warm hand came to rest on his arm and the words died on his lips. The touch left him tilting more than the coke ever could and Jensen told himself if he could handle being around Jared, he could handle being drugged up.

On the third day Jensen forgot to eat. Or chose not to. His body was functioning on caffeine and white powder and when he looked in the mirror he almost didn't recognize himself. One month. One month since he'd first crossed this line and everything was so _different_. No one knew though. No one said a word to him about it. He wondered what people thought of his pale skin, of the bags under his eyes. And then he stopped thinking about it in favor of pulling in four lines in quick succession.

Day number four Jensen screwed up every line twice at least. The director was getting pissed, the extras were getting pissed, Jared was looking sad and confused and Jensen had to hide in his trailer and finish off half the stash he'd brought for the day. He rocked back and forth on the couch as his mind swam and the colors of the trailer bled together. They sent him home an hour later when word spread that apparently he wasn't feeling well.

The look on Jared's face told Jensen he didn't believe he was sick. And Jensen pulled away from Jared's hug before the man could even close his arms around him. Those arms were worse than the sky crashing down on him. Everything was spiraling so far out of his control Jensen was terrified he was loosing his hold on his sanity. Moments after Cliff disappeared around the corner - having safely dropped Jensen off at home - Jensen flipped open his cell phone and called the guy. They met at his place and Jensen fucked him just to feel. It didn't work. Everything was too numb by this point and Jensen lapped the line off the table with the flat of his tongue to savor the bitter burn.

It was dark when he got home and Jared was leaning on the wall beside his door, arms folded across his chest. Jensen didn't look up to meet his eyes, didn't say hello, simply walked passed and closed his bedroom door, turning the lock. The fresh stash in his pocket joined the other in the box and Jensen slept less then two hours that night.

Days five and six blurred together. They were behind because of him and Jensen fought his way through his constant high to get things right. There was no telling how he managed but somehow he did. The makeup artists had to layer powder thick on his cheeks to make him look somewhat human and Jensen ignored Jared's eyes peering at him through the reflection in the mirror.

After day seven they were getting a two day break, if Jensen could successfully finish up the episode. He managed. And then he finished off everything he had left and called up David. The last thing he needed to hear when he came up to the guy was his casual, "Dude you should take it easy, you're lookin' really strung out." And if a complete stranger could notice it was a miracle no one else had.

Jared had to have noticed - and really he knew something if his long looks were any sign - and Jensen wondered how long it would be before the topic was brought up for discussion. He told himself that this time was it. That he couldn't spend almost $1000 every week on this shit. That the directors and producers weren't going to let him get away with this forever. That at some point he'd loose Jared and then there would be no point in living at all. And on the drive home he turned over ways to talk to his best friend about... everything. How absolutely terrified he was that he'd just fucked up his entire life, how everything hurt so bad he could no longer go a minute without being a thousand miles above the ground, how he loved him so much just knowing how to breathe was becoming an issue.

And he was really planning on doing it, only when he arrived home _she_ was there, sitting on his lap, kissing his neck, and Jensen couldn't even see straight. Jared said she came as a surprise - and he certainly looks surprised - and she gave him a look that was pure disgust. Jensen knew that he looked like shit, but at least when he wasn't drugged out he looked good, which was more than she could say for herself ever.

Jensen spent the rest of the night and the next day in his room, emerging only for the occasional glass of water or cup of coffee. He probably would have spent the second day of their weekend in there as well if Jared hadn't come knocking sometime in the evening. For a minute he considered ignoring it, pretending to be asleep, but his eyes landed on the open photo album in front of him and the urge to actually see Jared was suddenly too strong. Jensen bent nearly in half to take the line of coke he'd drawn out across his face in the picture, sniffing sharply as he headed toward the door and tugged it open. The lights were off in his room and he blinked at the sudden light spilling in from the hallway, squinting at Jared's outlined frame and frowning. "Sup Jay?"

Jensen's eyes were red-rimmed, the pupils dark. Chris had told Jared what to look for, but standing here faced with what looked like proof of drug use, Jared was frozen to the spot. "Jensen, can I come in? I think you and I need to talk."

"Uh..." Jensen wasn't really too confident in his ability for a legitimate conversation and he rubbed at his neck to hide his unease. Even having Jared this close, being able to smell him, feel the heat radiating off him, was too much for Jensen. But he _knew_ Jared and he knew the man wouldn't take no for an answer, not once that stubborn line had been set his jaw. Sighing he stepped back and gestured for Jared to enter. Forgetting about the photo album on his bed that lay open and instead heading to the desk to ensure there were no traces of the drug out and about. When he was satisfied there wasn't, he turned to Jared and swayed slightly on the spot, reached out behind himself to use the desk as a support. "So? What is it?"

Jared sat down on the edge of Jensen's bed. When he leaned his hand down to shift further back it landed on the photo album. Tugging it on to his lap he brushed some dust off the page and then smiled up at his friend. "These look familiar; I didn't know you had an album." He slid his finger down the side of the page and glanced up at Jensen. "Can I look?"

Jensen's heart nearly burst out of his chest and he blinked rapidly, stepping forward and reaching out quickly to snatch at the album. He missed though, ended up latching onto Jared's arm for a moment before falling to the bed beside him with a whoosh of air from his lungs. He stared at the ceiling as the room spun and wondered how long it had been since the last time things were steady beneath his feet. "Don't look..." Jensen said softly, rubbing at his nose. He needed a fix. "I... those are... just... don't."

Jared closed the photo album slowly and smoothed his hand over the cover. "Okay, Jen, s'okay - here you go." He reached over and put the album in Jensen's hands then watched as his friend clutched it to his chest.

Flopping down on the bed beside Jensen, Jared rolled onto his side to face him. "Jen, I'm really worried about you." Chris' words ran through his mind; _don't be too confrontational, let him tell you._ He reached out and curled his fingers over Jensen's arm gently. "Do you... Is there anything you want to tell me, Jen? 'Cause you know there's nothing you could tell me that would change the way I feel about you right? I love you, Jen, you're my best friend."

If it were possible for his heart to stop it would have. Though Jared had told him he loved him before, it had always been in a joking manor, a playful thing said out loud and in public where there were plenty of people around. Here though... in the privacy of his room - _on his bed_ \- Jensen couldn't handle it. He swallowed thickly and stood, pushing off the bed and crossing to the desk. He wanted to turn around and tell Jared that he didn't want to be his best friend, that he wanted to be his _everything_. Clearly Jensen's brain wasn’t functioning too properly, he needed to fix that. Needed to shove the ache far enough away that it wouldn't hurt any more - at least until he started coming down and had to work to stay up. "I'm fine Jared. Shouldn't you be with Genevieve?" He asked the desk, fingers sliding forward to the box her kept there and dipping inside for the familiar plastic.

"She went back to her hotel, I told her I wanted to spend some time with you." He shrugged a shoulder, "been waitin' a long time for you to come back home." Pushing up to his full height Jared walked over and sat on the edge of the desk right beside Jensen. "What did you do today?"

"Sat around," Jensen pulled his hand back from the box, dropped it to his side and eyed Jared. Already his hand was starting to shake and Jensen was crashing down faster than his system could handle. "What did you do?" Jensen sniffed in hard and his eyes skittered along the desk, questing for any flicks of white he could bring to his lips.

"I was out with the dogs for a while - I think they miss you." He smiled and licked his lips, "they always come running to your door when we come home." Jared bumped his shoulder against Jensen's, "maybe we could spend some time with them tomorrow? Drive out to the ocean somewhere?"

"Uh... I've been meaning to do some laundry," Jensen shrugged and reached up to rub the place Jared's shoulder had touched. "Need to work on my lines too if I plan on keeping my job past next week." Jensen's eyes slid up the line of Jared's body. How long had it been since he let himself soak in the man? Too long. But it was too much. He needed... "I'm pretty beat Jay. You wanna chat later?"

"I kind of want to chat now." Reaching out, Jared let his hand rest heavy on Jensen's shoulder. "Can you just give me a bit of time now?" Chris had warned Jared that Jensen would probably have a ready-list of excuses; reasons he didn't want to talk to Jared. So far, Chris has been right on the money. "Let's just sit for a little while?" He squeezed Jensen's shoulder warmly.

This was a real bad time for everything to be happening. Jensen bit his lip and darted his eyes down to Jared's hand on his shoulder. "I just... need to..." Jensen looked around and stepped back, eyes darting around the room. "Jared it's just not a good time okay?"

He was trying so hard not to lose his temper, "Jen, it's never a good time for you lately. What if I ..." Jared stood and closed the distance between them, "what if I need you? Need to talk?"

"You don't need me," Jensen shook his head and his lower lip quivered. Jared didn't know what he was saying, didn't realize how it was affecting Jensen. "If you need advice or whatever you've got your girl. Trust me; I'm not the one you want advice from."

"I just want to talk; can't we just hang out for a while, Jen?" Apart from the fact that Jared wanted to get a better read on Jensen; he genuinely _did_ want to spend some time with the man. They used to be inseparable and now Jared was lucky if he saw Jensen at all off set.

Jensen felt the sharp pang of guilt. He was being a horrible friend. He only wished he could explain to Jared that being a friend meant torturing himself in the process. Look but don't touch. Want but don't have. He could do this. "Okay yeah, let's..." he sighed and looked around his room.”Can we do this in the living room?" Jensen couldn't handle much more Jared in his room; it was like the room might whisper something to Jared that he didn't want being known.

Lips parted instantly in a grin, Jared snagged Jensen's arm and tugged him toward the door. "You want a beer? I can get you a beer." He moved them through the door quickly, afraid that Jensen would change his mind and sort of nudged Jensen toward the couch. "Sit," he could tell his voice was a little strained, "I'll get the beer." Darting around the corner into the kitchen Jared paused in front of the fridge. _Jesus_ , this was a lot harder than he'd thought it would be - it felt like he didn't know Jensen at all anymore, all their comfort with each other way gone; it was like starting over. Taking a deep breath he pulled the door open and grabbed two beers, heading back to the living room. He held a bottle out to Jensen and flopped down on the couch beside him. "Here's to... friendship," he smiled warmly and held his bottle up.

Jensen nodded and twisted of the cap, pulling in the rich liquid. It wasn't anything compared to what he wanted but finishing off the bottle in one long pull helped put a slight buzz across his mind so it helped. Jensen was fairly certain he hadn't sat on this couch more than once since getting home. "So what did you want to talk about?" He asked, setting the empty bottle on the table in front of him and reclining back in his seat.

Shifting a bit, getting comfortable, Jared smiled again and turned so he could see his friend. "Us? You? Me? I don't know. What's going on, Jensen? I feel like I must have done something pretty bad... you know, shitty, to get shut out of your life like this." He licked his lips nervously and tried hard to swallow but his throat was so dry. The beer was cold and Jared took a few big gulps before dropping the bottle to rest on his thigh. "I can help you know, or fix what I did, or..." he turned and ducked his head down a little so he could see Jensen's eyes, "I could help you fix something... if you had to."

"Jesus Jared," Jensen snorted and shook his head, the blood coursed through veins faster, rougher. "Not everything in my life revolves around you, no matter what you might think." The words tumbled out his lips before he could even process them. His shoulders tensed and he forced his eyes to remain on his jeans so as not to see the pained look on Jared's face he was sure would be there.

Jared flinched back from the words as though physically stung. "You're r..right, I'm sorry." He couldn't do this; couldn't watch Jensen fall apart like this and... drink beer like nothing was wrong. "Anyway, that's all... that's what I wanted to say... so yeah. I suck." He blew out a breath and put his beer on the table in front of him. "You can do whatever it was you needed to do."

Jensen considered staying. He considered telling Jared everything. And then he considered the slap of rejection he might receive as a result. The last dose of rejection - that ill fated kiss - had got him into this mess. Or at least had sent him on the path that ended here. So Jensen pushed up and spared a moment to glance down at Jared. "It's nothing you've done. It's just me. So you can stop worrying about it. You're still... perfect." He shrugged and headed for his bedroom.

If Jared was the kind of guy who threw things, or threw bottles against walls, now would be the time he'd do it. But, Jared wasn't _that_ kind of guy. He left his beer sitting on the table and left the room before Jensen even got to his bedroom.

There it was... the moment Jensen had been silently anticipating since the moment he snorted that first line. The only way to describe what he was feeling was the beginning of the end. Or maybe the end of the end. It was hard to say and he made the thoughts disappear with a thin strip of white powder.

-=-=-=-

If a miracle had got him through the past week then sheer, dumb luck got him through the second. Jensen was the definition of a wreck. There wasn't a moment when he wasn't ten steps above the clouds. But it wasn't a pleasant, buzzing experience like it had been in Vegas. It was black and bleak and he was so miserably alone there was nothing left. He fumbled every line, missed every cue, pushed and shoved until people literally went out of their way to avoid crossing his path. Jensen had always held a certain reputation, now it was if he was a leper amongst the people. He could clear a room just by stepping past the threshold.

One of those days - Jensen lost count in the blur of time passing with no recollection - Chris stopped by and tried to spark up some conversation. Jensen just told him to fuck off and shoved him hard out of his room, slamming the door and locking it. And even though the man banged on the wooden surface for what could have been ten minutes - could have been three hours - Jensen ignored him. Another friend to cross off the list.

He had yet to call his Mama, or return her calls, and ignored the ones from the rest of his family too. The only thing that had ever been important - Jared - was nothing but being together by chance. When they had a scene to film, when Jared caught a ride with Cliff if Genevieve hadn't stayed over. And Jensen went through bag after bag, so much so he needed to find a different dealer, one with a steady supply.

The final moment - when everything changed - came at the end of January.

Jensen had very little to show for the past two months outside a string of regret and a constant high. He had no idea if the scenes he had actually managed to finish would be something even passable for his character. The day before a four day break, Eric showed up and Jensen knew just by the look on his face that the shit was about to hit the fan.

He followed the man across the set - stealing a glance at Jared who was heading for the car with Cliff - and wondered how the show would continue without one of its main cast members.

"What is it Jensen?" Eric asked the moment the door closed behind him and Jensen didn't even think about playing dumb. He stayed quiet though, confessing to nothing. "Alright fine, you don't have to tell me but you have to knock it off. I've shifted the schedule around and I'm giving you the next two weeks off. It won't be enough to make you completely better but I swear to god if you show up on this set like this after that time I will rewrite the entire story line to ensure you're no longer part of it."

Though he had expected it, the words still washed over him like a chilly bucket of ice. It was the bottom. The lowest he could reach. He'd already lost his friend, his family, _Jared_ and here was his career, hanging by a tiny thread with a pair of scissors opened around it.

Jensen had never imagined that his life could come screeching to a halt so quickly.

Someone drove him home - Jensen never bothered to figure out whom - and he stood just inside the house for a stretch of minutes that blurred. Everything seemed to blur now a days. It was the only way he knew how to function anymore. What the fuck was he going to do?

The climb up the flight of stairs was the hardest thing he'd ever imagined. Each step felt heavy and weighted and his fingers itched, his nose burned, for the next fix. Tears were already pricking along his eyes as he raised his hand and managed one single knock on the door in front of him. That took more strength than the walk and Jensen wondered how his legs were still keeping him up. He waited for Jared to open the door and wondered if the man's truck had been in the driveway, he couldn't remember.

"Ignore him, he'll go away." Genevieve's voice was soft, conspiratorial and she grinned at Jared and curled up closer to his side.

Jared's eyes darted from Genevieve's face to the door and back. "I... should just see what he wants." He tugged his arm out from under her neck and slid off the bed, padded over to the door and cracked it open just enough to peer around it. "Jen?"

"Jared," Jensen breathed his name like it was a prayer, like it was the only word he ever wanted to say. This was the truth even if he couldn’t admit it aloud. "I... I need you." It was all he could force out and he hoped Jared still knew him enough to understand how hard it was to even say that much. A tear escaped the corner of his eye and he didn't bother to wipe it away.

The door swung open and Jared's hand hovered over Jensen's shoulder for a few moments before settling there. "Jen?"

Genevieve giggled from inside the room, "Jensen! We're _busy_ , can't it wait?"

Jared's brows dipped together, his fingers tightening on Jensen's shoulder. "Jen, downstairs and wait for me in your room, okay?" His voice was shaky but firm.

Jensen's brain was still trying to process that fact that Genevieve was there - _of course she was_ \- and he forced himself to nod once before turning and heading for the stairs. He tried to tell himself he was strong, that he could do this, but the fact remained that he couldn't do it alone. Maybe it would be best if he just bought a plane ticket to Texas and spent the next two weeks with his family. Only the idea of telling his Mama - and company - what was going on, what had led to this, about Vegas... it was too much.

His room had never been so terrifying and Jensen pulled out his stash from the box and clutched it between his fingers. It would be the first step in a long list of steps that would make this better. Already his hands shook and he stared at the powder, summoning whatever scraps of willpower remained to not break it open and inhale the last of its contents.

By the time the door swung shut behind Jensen, Jared was across the room and tugging his jeans on. "Genevieve, you need to go, I'm sorry - but I... Jensen needs me." Bending over he snatched his shirt up off the floor and pulled it down over his head.

Rolling her eyes Genevieve flopped back on the bed, "this is ridiculous, Jared. You're not at his beck and call."

Stopping where he was, Jared turned back to the bed, "Genevieve, please. Not now."

"He's just hopped up on something as usual; he'll be fine in the morning." Her voice was getting a little tight, small hands fisted in the quilt at her sides.

"Genevieve, go home." Jared sat on the end of the bed and pulled his socks on. "I'll call you when… we've sorted this out."

Throwing back the covers Genevieve climbed out of the bed, "don't bother. Jensen's such a mess you'll be cleaning _this_ shit up longer than I'm willing to wait." She turned quickly and went into the bathroom slamming the door behind her.

Jared knew she didn't mean what she'd said, she'd been frustrated with him for weeks while he fretted and worried about Jensen. This was the last thing she'd be prepared to accept as _necessary_ but Jared wasn't going to worry about it now. "Gen, I'll call you," he shouted at the door.

He was downstairs quickly, tapping quietly on Jensen's door.

"Come in," Jensen said quietly. Everything felt forced and Jensen really wasn't so sure anymore. Maybe he should just let Kripke write off Dean. The show would be better off without him anyway. Jensen could just give up on a life in general and waste away into oblivion. The thought sounded appealing but the door was already opening and there was Jared. Jensen didn't manage to lift his eyes from the bag but he supposed he'd always be hyper aware of everything Jared.

Jared padded into the room, it was dark, and Jensen hadn't even bothered to turn the light on. Crouching down by Jensen's feet Jared looked up at his friend's face. "Okay, I'm here. Now what?" He gave Jensen a weak smile and reached up to brush his hair back off his face. He was terrified to say the wrong thing.

Jensen's heart thudded heavy and dull in his chest. It was now or never and really, there shouldn't have been a choice. "Jare..." a sob wracked so suddenly through his body and he dropped the bag, falling heavily off the bed and into Jared's body. "God Jare I'm so fuckin' broken. Please... I can't... I can't be like this anymore. Please help me. Please I-I can't do it alone." He was full blown loosing it now, clinging to Jared with everything shattered inside him.

Almost falling over under Jensen's weight, Jared just barely managed to catch himself by grabbing the night table. It took him a few moments to process what was going on then his heart just picked up the slack for his brain. He wrapped his arms around Jensen and pulled him tight to his body. "You're not alone, Jen." He rubbed circles on the damp material covering Jensen's back, just like his Mom used to do for him when he was ill. Before he even realized he was doing it, Jared started rocking back and forth gently, one hand moving up to smooth Jensen's hair at the back of his neck.

He murmured things that somehow seemed like the right things to say, he didn't really think that Jensen was hearing much of it, but thought he might be taking comfort in the sound of his friend's voice. He wasn't sure how long they sat there; Jensen's sobs eventually faded to quiet sounds and his body seemed to relax a little against Jared's chest. It wasn't until he heard the front door slam that he realized they'd been there quite a while. Jensen jumped at the sound and Jared shifted the man in his arms, "s'okay," he couldn't help a small, tight laugh. "Was Genevieve... uh... leaving."

Dipping his head down, Jared tried to get a look at his friend's face.

Jensen felt that familiar sting of guilt and he detangled himself from Jared slightly, falling back onto the floor. "She's mad at you huh?" It was pretty obvious from the sheer force the door had been shut with. Jensen picked at the carpet before looking at up at Jared. "Because you're here with me?"

"I don't care." Jared sat back on his ass, groaning, "okay, I might not be able to walk for a while so don't make a break for it or anything." He dragged himself over to sit beside Jensen. "What's going on, Jen?" Jensen's face was flushed, tear-streaked, his eyes swollen and red-rimmed and Jared couldn't help reaching up to cup his cheek. He brushed his thumb back and forth softly. "What do we have to fix, Jen?"

"I don't really know where to begin..." Jensen said softly and couldn't resist leaning in to the touch. For a moment it occurred to him that trying to fix things when Jared was - unknowingly - a big part of the problem probably wasn't the smartest move. But there was no one he trusted more and really, telling Jared the extent of his feelings would end up on the list of things to reveal anyway so having him here now was just as well. The bag was just under the bed and Jensen reached forward to grab it, pull it up to his chest and held it tightly. "This..."

Jared reached out slowly, raising his eyebrows questioningly. It wasn't until Jensen's fingers relaxed slightly that he took the bag. "What is it, Jen? Cocaine?"

Jensen forced himself to nod and reflexively reached out after the bag. His hand shook and he brought it back into his body quickly. Pulling in a deep breath, Jensen forced his eyes shut. "Get rid of it Jared. I'm not strong enough to do it."

"Is there more?" Jared was already getting up from the floor, "do you have some more in the room anywhere?"

"No, that's it," Jensen said softly and pulled his eyes open to watch Jared. He wanted to crawl forward and beg him to stop, beg him for one last fix because there was no way he could handle this without it. Something kept him rooted to his spot though and he pulled in deep breaths of oxygen to stop from breaking into tears once more.

Rushing to the bathroom, Jared flushed the bag and its contents. He came back out with his hands held open, palms out, "okay, gone see?" He moved over to his friend and held out a hand, "come on, off the floor."

Jensen folded his hand in Jared's and allowed himself to be pulled up, blinking rapidly. "Now what? What do I do now? How do I... Jare... Kripke's only giving me one shot. He said he'd write Dean off the show... I've only got two weeks... _oh god_ how am I supposed to make this better?" His shoulders shook and he hunched in on himself.

"We'll figure it out, okay? You don't have to sort all this out yourself right? Look at me." Jared stepped back far enough that he could see Jensen's face. "Look at me, Jen."

Jared's face was familiar, comfortable, and Jensen traced over all the things he loved about it. The laugh lines, the smooth lips, the firm jaw. Finally his eyes locked with Jared's and he whispered, "You won't leave me right?"

"I absolutely _will_ not leave." Stepping forward quickly, Jared pulled Jensen back into his arms again. He felt like he didn't know what else to do; he was _way_ out of his depth and more than a little scared. As soon as Jensen was asleep he was going to call Chris and try to figure out what they could do. Now? Now, he just wanted to let his friend know that he wasn't going anywhere and somehow they would figure things out. He pressed Jensen’s face into his neck and kissed his friend's hair. "Not leaving you."

Jensen clung to Jared and even if he still ached and his body was shaking, it felt good. It felt like it had been ages since someone held him so tenderly and he knew it was the only thing holding him to this world. "There's... two numbers in my phone. They should be deleted. I don't have them memorized and they're not written anywhere else." He said softly, voice mumbled from the place he buried his head in Jared's shoulder.

"Where's your phone, Jen?" Jared's hand moved up to curl over the back of Jensen's neck, "can I have it?"

He pulled the device from his pocket and held it open, needing Jared to take it from him. "David and Andrew." He supplied before Jared could even ask.

Keeping Jensen pressed against his shoulder, Jared flipped the phone open. He deleted the numbers from the contacts and from the call log then shut the phone and tossed it on the bedside table. "Okay, done. How you feeling? You need some water? You tired?" He pushed Jensen back gently and caught his face between his hands, "what do you need, Jen?"

"Water," Jensen nodded and curled his fingers into fists, gathering Jared's shirt in his grip. He couldn't even remember the last time he ate but food wasn't something his stomach could handle right now. "Maybe I'd like to lie down... I haven't... been sleeping. A lot. Will you..." he wet his lips and shifted his head to rest in the crook of Jared's neck, breathing in his soothing scent, he couldn't face Jared and ask it. "Will you lay down with me?"

"Of course I will," he lead Jensen over to the bed and settled him on the edge, "I'll be right back." Jared was through the door and in the kitchen before he even really knew what he was doing. He grabbed the water pitcher out of the fridge, a glass and some clean hand towels and moved quickly back downstairs. It was heartbreaking, seeing Jensen like this but somewhere deep inside his mind, Jared was glad to have him back. Even broken and in need of help and support, he had his friend back.

He set the pitcher and glass down on the bedside table and turned to flash a quick smile at Jensen before pouring him a glass of water. "Here," he handed it to him, turned and went into the bathroom with the hand towels. His own hands were shaking slightly as he turned the taps on and soaked a towel in the hot water. Slipping back into Jensen's bedroom he put the damp towel on the night stand and turned back to his friend. "You wanna get undressed? I'll move some of this stuff off your bed?"

Jensen nodded and slowly pulled his shirt off his chest and over his head. It was almost a good thing that his body was already starting to react to the lack of drugs because it was unlikely to react to Jared being so near... and Jensen would be nearly naked. _Fuck_ this really was just going to screw with him more. Jensen really had a problem with addictions, even the non deadly kind.

A moment later he stepped out of his jeans and climbed up onto the mattress, sliding under the blanket Jared had already tugged back. He knew that withdrawal was going to suck - probably worse than he could imagine - and he reached out to snatch at the glass of water and drain its contents. "Jared?" He said softly, waiting until he had Jared's attention. "I'm scared..."

"I'm scared too." Jared smiled warmly and pried the glass out of Jensen's hand so he could refill it. "Comfy?"

"Not really," Jensen shook his head and sighed, shifting on the mattress and flopping back to stare at the ceiling. "I can't believe I've let myself get to this place."

"Don't beat yourself up about it, that's not gonna change anything." Smiling, Jared sat down on the side of the bed and grabbed the warm towel. He reached out and wiped the towel over Jensen's cheeks and down either side of his neck. "We'll get through tonight then we'll figure out what to do tomorrow. We've got time." He rubbed the towel over Jensen's chest, wiping some of the sweat away, hoping the heat would soothe him a little.

Jensen didn't feel like he had time. Didn't feel like he could do this. Tears welled up in his eyes and rolled on his side away from Jared. He was ashamed of himself, of the way he'd been acting and the things he'd said - and not said. Jensen didn't deserve Jared, as a friend or anything else. He deserved to be thrown in some rehab center until he could get his shit together. But there wasn't time for that and Jensen really wasn't that famous but even C list celebrities made the news for things like cocaine addictions. "Thank you Jared..." he whispered to the wall and pulled his legs up to his chest. "Just gonna sleep now."

Jared took a deep breath and put the towel down on the night stand. He stood, tugged his t-shirt off, hesitated, then unbuttoned and shucked off his jeans. Pulling up the blanket he climbed into Jensen's bed, reached out and slipped his arm over his friend's stomach pulling him back so he was pressed up against his chest. "Now, you can't sneak off," he murmured, a smile in his voice. "This okay?"

"Oh _god_ ," Jensen gasped though he hadn't meant to say it out loud. Jared's chest was like fire against his back and Jensen had spent so many nights imagining this very thing - though never in this situation. There was nothing stable enough in him to fall apart but if there had been Jensen was certain he'd be at a complete and total loss. He should tell Jared, right now, exactly how he felt but there was that possibility that Jared would freak and Jensen couldn't imagine the idea of loosing this. So tonight he would let himself indulge and tomorrow he'd cross that bridge. "S-sorry. Just... been awhile..."

"A while?" Jared snuggled up closer, nudging an arm underneath Jensen and resting his palm against his friend's chest. He yawned, "a while since what?" He rubbed circles on Jensen's belly with his fingers; touch was all he had to offer Jensen for now. He hated that Jensen just seemed like he felt worthless. He was far from that as far as Jared was concerned.

Heat stirred low in Jensen's stomach and he pulled in a sharp breath, not sure whether trying to pull away or grinding back was what he wanted to do most. "J-Jared. You have to stop. Please... please stop. Please." Jensen's shoulder shook and he shifted forward but the wall only let him get so far. He turned so he was facing Jared, knowing the man wasn't likely to try and pull him forward when they were face to face. Of course this brought Jared's chest into view and they were so _close_. The shake in Jensen's body intensified.

"Jesus, Jen..." Jared backed away a little. "What did I do? Did I hurt you?" His hand hovered in front of him, he wanted to reach out.

Jensen swallowed and shook his head, closing his eyes. "No Jared... you've never... it's..." Several deep breaths later he opened his eyes and looked up at Jared, wondering if his own eyes reflected how utterly broken he was. "You've never asked why."

Not even really sure what he was asking, Jared tucked his arm under his head, shaking a little, nerves alive. Jensen's eyes were so sad, almost empty; it made something in Jared's chest ache. "Why?"

Convincing himself that waiting to cross this bridge was like lying to Jared - and he'd really had enough of lying to his best friend - Jensen fixed his gaze on a spot above Jared's head as he spoke, "I'm in love with someone... and... and I have been for awhile. For a couple of years, longer, I don't know. I just... they don't feel the same. Not on the same level. And it just... became too much to bare. Of course I didn't plan... the drug thing... it wasn't part of the plan." Well that was part of it. And he didn't think he could connect Jared to that declaration. It had to be two separate things, the 'love someone' and 'love you.' Jensen bit down on his tongue hard and a shudder shook his entire body from head to toe. There was a real possibility he was going to be sick - and loose his mind.

"That's tough. I'm sorry you have to go through that. Who is she? Do I know her?" Without even thinking Jared reached up and brushed Jensen's sweat-damp hair back off his forehead. It had always been easy to touch Jensen.

The laugh that fell from Jensen's lips was a little harsher than he anticipated. "Oh god Jared you really are that oblivious aren't you?" He dropped his eyes and locked them with Jared's. "It's you." He felt like he should touch Jared's face, his arm, something, but the possibility of Jared shoving him away was too much and Jensen _knew_ he wasn't going to be able to handle that. So he dropped his eyes and waited for Jared to wrap his mind around the thought.

Jared's brow furrowed. He pushed up onto his elbow and the expression on his face morphed to shock then realization. "Fuck." He wasn't sure what surprised him more, what Jensen had just told him or the fact that he wasn't leaping out of the bed and running for the hills. Blowing out a shaky breath he let his head drop back down on the pillow. "Oookay."

It certainly wasn't the reaction that Jensen had been anticipating but at least it didn't seem like Jared was going to hit him so that was one thing. He pushed up against the wall, heart racing, body shaking, nerves at the very end and the _one thing_ he had left was unraveling. As long as the truth had remained a secret than Jared would still be Jared around him. Now though... things were likely to change. Jared definitely wasn't going to be eager to spoon mostly naked with him. Jensen was exhausted. "I don't... I'm... look I don't expect you to say, or feel, you know, I know you're not and there's Geneiv... well... god." Jensen buried his face in his pillow. He'd never felt so _raw_.

The hugest lump had appeared and wedged itself in Jared's throat. "C'mere." He held out his arm and motioned with his fingers for Jensen to move forward.

Jensen didn't hesitate in moving, though it was a little like slow motion. Leave it to Jared to just take this all in stride and not completely lose it like most _straight_ guys would when their best friend just declared undying love for them while they were mostly naked in a bed together. Less than an hour after said best friend confessed to a drug addiction. God no wonder Jensen was in love with him. Jared was fucking god sent. He hovered by Jared's side and stared down at him, shaking softly. He was so _cold_. "Jared?"

"Still here," he shrugged and rolled onto his back tugging Jensen across his chest, "you're shaking, you cold?" Jared reached over with his free hand and tucked the blanket tight around Jensen's body then settled back down again. Shifting, he let his hand settle once again at the base of Jensen's neck and rubbed gently. "Is... is this okay?" It felt surprisingly okay to Jared. It felt good to be _doing_ something, even if it was just providing Jensen with a little comfort.

"As long as it's okay with you," Jensen mumbled. It wasn't _really_ okay but it was a lot easier to allow it knowing that Jared knew exactly how he felt. That feeling of being so raw dimmed slightly and - though he didn't stop shaking - warmth slowly crawled through him. His eyes fell shut as he let his head fall into the comfortable muscle of Jared's chest. It was surreal and Jensen wished he wasn't feeling so very queasy, just so he could enjoy it, savor the moment, burn it into his memory forever because it was probably all he'd ever get. "I'mma sleep now, kay?" He murmured as he felt the past weeks of not enough sleep catching up with him at a rapid pace.

"Sure, Jen." Jared tightened his arm around Jensen and closed his eyes. His heart ached.

-=-=-=-

Pain.

That was the only thing Jensen was aware of. The pain burning through his veins. The pain of wanting something to stop his hands from shaking, his gut from clenching. Jensen tossed on the mattress and groaned, pulling in on himself. He was freezing but his body was burning and Jensen was certain in all his life he had never felt something so utterly overwhelming. He needed a fix. He wasn't going to be able to handle this. It was far too much. "Need..." he gasped out, pressing his palm flat into his stomach to try and shove away the pain.

Jared's eyes were open before he realized why. "Jensen?" He shook his head and pushed up on his elbow trying to reorient himself. His fingers brushed Jensen's back and he could feel the heat radiating off him. He slipped out of the bed quickly and stumbled into the bathroom, soaked a towel in some cold water and moved back through the room. He tripped over his own jeans and swore softly then finally managed to climb back into the bed. "Jen..." He tugged on Jensen's shoulder gently and got him to roll back to face him. "You're gonna be okay." He laid back down facing Jensen and wiped his face with the cool cloth. His friend's eyes were glassy and wide and he was shivering but Jared didn't think he was in any immediate danger. Not that he _knew_ a goddamn thing about what he was doing.

"Jen?" He smoothed Jensen's hair back with the damp cloth. "Do you want me to call Chris or anyone? Someone who might know more than me?" He worried his bottom lip with his teeth, stroking Jensen's forehead slowly with the cool cloth.

"Call..." Jensen gasped at the sharp stab of pain in his gut. "David. Or Andrew. Please Jared." He reached out, hand connecting with Jared's chest as he forced his eyes up. "I _need_ it. Please. I c-can't do this. Not strong enough. I need..." Jensen broke off as shivers coursed through him and whimpered, shifting closer to Jared to try and get warm. "Please?" He asked again, flattening his palm against Jared's chest.

"We deleted their numbers Jensen and I wouldn't call them anyway." Jared grabbed Jensen's hand where it was pressed against his chest. "Sorry Jen, you're stuck with me." He closed his eyes for a moment; Jensen's pain was really getting to him. "Can I hold you Jen?"

Jensen shifted closer and nodded, closing his eyes against the shakes. "Please..." he whispered and was about fifty percent certain it was in regards to Jared's question and not the still need for a fix.

Jared rolled slightly so he was facing Jensen and pulled his friend flush against his body. He kissed Jensen's forehead and then tucked his friend's head under his chin. Jensen _would_ be okay - they just had to get through tonight and they could get help. There must be lots of places they could call, people they could get out to the house to help.

It wasn't likely he'd be getting back to sleep again soon but he soaked in Jared's warmth and curled his body along the man's. Just for the sake of comfort he slipped his leg between Jared's and nuzzled his face into the man's bare chest. Every part of him still shook and ached and felt like it was too much to handle but that was only if he had been alone. He wasn't. Jared was there and Jensen could do it, had to. He let out a small puff of air before breathing in the reassuring smell.

-=-=-=-

Jensen was aware of his stomach before anything else when sleep fell away from him. He was hungry, surprisingly considering he hardly ever ate anything. But the thought fled a moment later when his body rose slightly and fell. Jared was beneath him, under him, around him. He was everything all of a sudden and Jensen was overloaded. The night before came to him in bits and pieces and made the way their legs were tangled together a lot more logical. Jared's hand was around his back, the other low on his waist, and if Jensen turned his head just to the side he could brush his lips along the man's skin.

He did, just once, before slipping back slightly. Jared appeared to be asleep still and Jensen really needed to move, to get up and out of the bed and go to the bathroom. But Jared's arms were like a vice around him. It was pretty easy to contemplate all the ways he could wake Jared. Which turned out to be a bad idea because heat stirred low in his groin and his body was _flush_ against Jared's. This thought added to another and another and Jensen was suddenly _far_ too turned on. On top of everything else he was feeling his body color with a bright flush. There was no way he was going to be able to hide the erection from Jared. His only hope was to make a quick get away.

"Jared?" He said the name and shook his body, trying to stir Jared awake. He was fairly certain the withdrawal symptoms were going to make a return sooner rather than later and he'd really rather take the time when his body was only slightly shaky to do some things. Like take care of his pressing problem below the waist. "Jareee wake up," his hands were trapped so the only logical thing - in Jensen's mind - was to bend down and bite the flesh closest to Jensen. If that didn't do it... well he'd have to get creative.

Jared pushed up to his elbows, nearly knocking Jensen's backward, "yup... what? You okay?" His eyes were barely open and he was peering through his bangs.

Jensen scrambled off the bed, back facing Jared. "You were holding me and I couldn't get loose. Needed too..." he gestured toward the bathroom. "Sorry, you can go back to sleep."

Rubbing his chest absent-mindedly as Jensen raced off to the bathroom. He blinked, his chest was tingling and he had the strangest feeling that... he'd been bitten. He scratched his head, flipped the covers back so Jensen could get back in bed, and flopped his head back down on the bed.

As it turned out, Jensen couldn't really jack off in the bathroom like he had been planning on. His body just wasn't up to the task. Which was alright because the minute he'd made it into the bathroom he was already exhausted. Damn he felt like he could sleep all day. Jensen spent a few minutes staring at his expression in the mirror. He was really pale, and the bags under his eyes were huge. This had to be were people got the expression 'you look like death.' Cause Jensen was pretty certain death looked _better_ than him at this point.

Sighing, Jensen splashed water on his face before tugging open the bathroom door. He barely felt like he had enough energy to cross the room and when he finally got there he collapsed half on top of Jared with a grunt. "Sorry," he mumbled into Jared's chest, pushing his legs up onto the mattress and tugging the blanket back over them.

Jared huffed out a laugh and dragged Jensen up onto his body. "Jen?"

"Hmm?" Jensen murmured, shifting into Jared's side and pressing as close as he could get. It didn't make the shakes go away but by now he was used to that. Jensen could take comfort in Jared's touch.

"Did you bite me?"

Jensen blushed brightly and hid his face. "Um... I couldn't move my hands?"

Laughing softly, Jared reached up to tousle Jensen's hair. "Sorry - will try to hug you without crushing you next time," he was already falling back to sleep - his skin tingling a little where Jensen's teeth had been.


	4. Chapter 4

The third time Jared woke up, he yawned and got a mouthful of Jensen's hair. Apparently, Jensen hadn't moved much during the previous few hours and was spread across Jared's chest. Even asleep Jensen's brow was furrowed, his eyes squeezed shut and Jared could see a muscle twitching in his jaw. He ran the backs of his fingers over Jensen's cheek and smiled as his friend's face relaxed a little. Sliding toward the edge of the bed, pushing Jensen gently he managed to get out from under him and sit up. He scrubbed his hands over his face and stood, eyes scanning over the room quickly; it seemed okay to leave Jensen there for a while. Glancing over his shoulder he confirmed that his friend was still sleeping and padded out of the room almost silently.

As soon as he was upstairs Jared grabbed his cell phone and called Chris. He was half way up the stairs when Chris answered the phone. He was surprised at the relief that flooded through him once he started to explain what had happened. He _did_ leave out Jensen's confession about his feelings. Hell, Jared wasn't even sure that wasn't just Jensen's withdrawal talking. Regardless, it was something Jensen could tell Chris if he wanted to. Chris was great, as always, and said he would be on his way as soon as he hung up.

After a quick good-bye and Chris' reassurance that they would figure something out - Jared decided he really wanted a shower. He briefly considered the idea that leaving Jensen alone wasn't the best thing to do - but he was out cold and Jared could be in and out of the shower in less than ten minutes. Once he had slipped out of his boxers, he looked in the mirror and rubbed at the mark on his chest, smiled and got in the shower.

-=-=-=-

Jensen woke up with a start and noted several things at once. Jared was gone, probably getting food or something and Jensen had this _one_ opportunity. His blood kicked into gear and he shot out of the bed faster than he thought his shaky limbs would carry him. Didn't matter what he wore, just that he got his clothes on as fast as he could. Get to the door; get to the car, ten minute drive with decent traffic. Fifteen minutes and Jensen could have the stuff in his system again. Just one fix. Just _one_. Then he'd quit. For real. But he couldn't do it if he didn't have one final taste, he hadn't been allowed that.

And who was going to stop him anyway? It's not like he had anyone looking out for him. Well there was Jared but Jared was just feeling obligated. Probably thought he was responsible for Jensen's addiction in the first place. No, Jensen was the screw up, the real fucking loser who would spend the rest of his miserable life alone and a junkie. All because he was too weak to say no before, or too stupid to. Whichever way. But this time... Jensen would say no. Just after he had one more fix.

Jensen could hear the shower running upstairs and he curled shaky hands around his keys, walking quickly toward the front door, the thrill of anticipation already building. He pulled open the door and walked right into Chris. _Shit_. Of course Jared had to go and call Christian Fucking Kane. Jensen's scowl intensified and he tried to sidestep the man only to be stopped with a strong arm around his waist.

"I don't think so Jen," Chris shook his head and pushed him back inside.

"I was just going to get coffee!" Jensen breathed and tried for the door again. Chris caught him around the waist with both arms and spun him around.

"Kitchen's that way, as is the coffee pot. I know you've got Jared trained to make your morning brew but I think you can remember how to do it," Chris let firm hands rest of Jensen's shoulders. When Chris spoke again his voice was much softer. "I know where you were going Jensen. You've made you're choice and it's going to be tough to stick to so I'm here with Jared to ensure you do just that."

"I don't need a babysitter," Jensen snapped and stalked over to the coffee pot, going through the motions of making up the coffee. "You can't just come into my house and boss me around. I never asked for _your_ help." He continued to grumble as he slammed around, opening drawer after drawer, cabinet after cabinet. "God _damn_ it." He slammed the last cabinet shut and let his hands fall hard onto the marble counter tops. The denial of his fix was bringing everything back full force. The shakes, the cramps. Jensen just needed... he needed to go out. To get some air. "What if I just take a walk?" He asked Chris, turning to him. "Around the block. One quick walk."

"Sure, I'll go with you," Chris smiled, obviously onto Jensen's game.

This was not going to be good. Jensen needed to plan, a way around the man. He could climb out the bathroom window... only he was fairly certain he wouldn't fit. Maybe Jared could distract him. Or he could convince Jared to take him out and Jensen could give him the slip. That sounded plausible.

Jared jogged down the stairs into the kitchen, "Hey, Chris." He blinked a few times at Jensen as he moved around the kitchen like he was on some sort of insane treasure hunt; opening and closing cupboards and drawers, muttering under his breath. Jared glanced over at Chris who shrugged. "Jensen? You okay? Want me to make your coffee for you?" Jared moved over to his friend’s side and rested his hand on the small of Jensen's back.

It was weird how Jared's touch made things just a little more tolerable. Not enough to stop him from snapping a little, "Where the fuck is the coffee?"

"Jen, lets go sit in the living room while Jared makes us all some coffee yeah?" Chris suggested and walked around the counter to take Jensen's arm.

Jensen reached out for a moment to run his hand down Jared's chest, soaking in comfort from the touch. He knew his eyes were a little wide because seriously? A one on one chat with Chris about all this? No good. Chris wasn't likely to be like Jared, who took it all in stride - who took _everything_ in stride. No Chris would ask questions. Maybe Jensen could make a deal. He'd answer Chris’ questions in favor off being allowed an hour out. A half hour. Hell they could even wait in the car if they wanted. With a final look at Jared - where his lower lip might have shaken a little – he nodded.

"You're okay, Jen." Jared's eyes drifted down to Jensen's hand on his chest and he smiled sadly.

"Look Chris..." Jensen began the moment they moved into the living room. Of course he got no further because Chris' arms were suddenly around him, squeezing firm in a long hug that lingered. It wasn't like hugging Jared, that warmth and instant wash of comfort wasn't there and Jensen had to resist the urge to shove Chris away. His arms were too tight, too uncomfortable. But he understood Chris' need for the touch, it was a reassurance thing and Jensen had to allow him that. For a moment at least until he pulled back. "Dude, personal space. Learn about it."

"Yeah, yeah, and I'm gonna let this slide because what you did was a big thing and I know it took a lot out of you," Chris smiled, genuine and bright with him, and guided him toward the couch.

Jensen rocked unconsciously back and forth on the cushion, picking at his jeans. "Man I don't want to do this with you," Jensen sighed in annoyance. "Do we really have to go over everything? What do you want, the juicy details?" Jensen looked at Chris, who simply reclined back and crossed his ankle over his knee. "Damn it Chris, don't look at me like that. It's not like you've never done anything wrong. Remember that time you thought you knocked up that one chick?" Jensen's eyes narrowed at him, Chris arched an eyebrow. "I just... got to in over my head."

"Jared?" Chris asked softly, eyes darting toward the kitchen for a moment.

Jensen couldn't muster up the energy too look surprised that Chris knew. "He didn't drive me too it. I made that choice myself. And if you're wondering I did tell him, last night." This seemed to surprise Chris, whose eyes widened. Jensen dug his fingers in the cushion. "How do you think he reacted? Perfect as always. One little curse and then he was fucking snuggling me. Naturally he's fucking perfect, though I know this. Fuck."

"Would you prefer he hate you?" Chris asked softly and reached out to lay a hand on Jensen's knee.

Jensen brushed it off. "No. Yes. No. I don't know. Damn it Chris can we just... twenty minutes. Ten minutes. Just one little..." Jensen bent down to his knees, slid back up, his shoulders shook and he looked over his shoulder for Jared. For the coffee, not Jared. But really, for Jared. His eyes drifted back to Chris and he whimpered softly. "I need it."

"You don't," Chris shook his head and tried for his best reassuring look. Jensen thought he looked smug and he considered smacking the look off his face. Luckily Jared showed about that time and possibly saved him from getting his ass kicked.

Jared walked back into the living room and carefully set three cups of coffee on the coffee table. "Okay, Jen," he picked up one mug and slid it in to Jensen's shaking hands. Stepping over his friends legs he settled on the couch right beside him and started to rub his back slowly.

Jensen's eyes flickered when the touch of warmth soared through him. He told himself that he could do this and drank from the coffee even though it burned the back of his throat. He shifted into Jared's side and sighed heavily. "You had to call Chris didn't you?" He mumbled into the cup.

Chuckling softly, "needed a bit of support, Jen, I'll handle the hugging and coffee. Chris can do the rest." His arm wrapped easily over Jensen's shoulders as the man settled against him. Curling his fingers around the top of Jensen's arm he tugged him close.

"Thanks Jared, give me the hard job," Chris chuckled and picked up his own coffee. "Jen, you wanna try to eat something?"

Jensen... needed a fix. Needed just one little line. That was it. He felt like he'd sell his fuckin' soul to get it. And because of four years of filming a show on this subject matter, Jensen let his mind flicker over exactly how he could go about selling his soul. "No," he shook his head and leaned his weight against Jared. "I just... can we just... one more time okay? I can do this if I get one more time."

Surprised at the firmness of his voice, it was Jared who answered. "Jensen, you don't need it. You don't want to spend the next six months having _just one more_ do you?" He leaned in and pressed his lips to Jensen's temple. "We won't leave you alone with this." His eyes moved over to Chris', wondering what was going through his mind.

"No but I won't. I won't do it for six months. Just once. Just today." Jensen bit down on his lip and shifted restlessly against Jared.

"Jensen you know it wouldn't be that way," Chris shook his head and set down his coffee mug. "It's going to be like this for awhile but you'll get passed it. You're one of the strongest people I know."

"I'm not!" Jensen snapped. "I'm not fuckin' strong. If I'd been strong then I'd never been in this place. No one _made_ me do that first line. So stop trying to preach to me. I'm not an idiot."

"No one said you were an idiot. You are strong," Jared's voice was soft, "you told me a lot of stuff last night - that took a lot of guts. You didn't even _have_ to tell me some of it." He glanced over at Chris - not even sure what Jensen had told his other friend. "Besides," his hand moved and settled on the back of Jensen's head, "you're still the same guy you were before."

Jensen snorted and shook his head, "No Jared... I'm really not." He couldn't go into it, or put into words exactly what he meant by the denial but it was true. Then again, Jensen had lost so much of himself over the past two or so months... he didn't even know where to begin reclaiming it. All he knew now was _need_. "And Chris knows about... I just... so you know."

Chris shook his head, "Hey Jen, you really don't have talk about all that now. Withdrawal and getting over it is the first step. Talking about it comes later okay?" He eyed Jared's arm around Jensen and frowned. Jensen wondered what that look was for but he shook it off.

"And what am I supposed to do now? Sit here all day?" Jensen scowled at the idea and laid his hand on Jared's thigh.

Shifting a little, Jared glanced at Chris. Jensen's hand was warm and heavy on his thigh. He swallowed and sat a little straighter, "well, you don't smell very good," he grinned, "you could start with a shower?" When he sensed Jensen's body tense beside him he let his large hand cover Jensen's for a moment. "Might make you feel better."

The idea of letting scalding water burn his skin sounded pretty appealing and Jensen nodded. "Yeah, okay." He squeezed Jared beneath his palm, using the pressure to help push him up and off the couch. He frowned down at them for a moment before turning and heading toward his bedroom. He wanted to ask if they were going to be there when he got back but he knew they would. It seemed pretty unlikely that he'd be able to get out the door without them knowing. Jensen dug his nails into his palm.

Chris watched the man go, waiting until the door was closed to drop his gaze to Jared. "You cleaned everything out of his room?"

"I..." Jared turned to face Chris, "he told me what he had, gave me this little bag that I flushed. I didn't look for anything." He blinked a few times and his face blanched a little, "should I have?"

"I think he would have been a lot quicker to disappear into his room if he had anything stashed," Chris drank from his coffee for a moment before looking up at Jared once more. "So he told you how he felt about you huh?"

Jared's eyes snapped back up to Chris'. "You knew?" His eyes widened.

"I had a hunch, never heard Jensen say it before today, well not so much say it as follow my prompt. I just remember what you said about the kiss before he left..." Chris sighed and shook his head. "Did he tell you how long?"

As he looked down at his hands Jared could feel his chest tighten, "a couple of years? Is this _my_ fault Chris?" It was like trying to swallow glass getting those words out because... if _this_ was his fault? He blew out a long breath and picked up his coffee, "I ... will do _anything_ to get him back."

Chris shook his head and reached out to squeeze Jared's arm. "It's not your fault Jared. You had _no_ idea. No one did. Jensen didn't tell anyone how he felt. You know how he is, burying things down." He pulled his hand back after a moment and sighed, considering Jensen's door then looking back at Jared. "Look, I know you want to be here for him, and he needs that, but just... be careful with the way you are with him. The last thing you want is to make him think you're feeling something... more." Chris finished off his coffee and waited until Jared locked his eyes. "You don't right?"

"More?" A puzzled expression shifted across Jared face, "I... well, what do you..." he hadn't really even thought about it. He noticed his hands were shaking a little as he held his coffee, he was pretty tired, worried - feeling spread too thin. "I love Jen," he shrugged.

"You know I mean in a more... sexual way, or whatever. In love. I don't know, I'm shit with these things but it's okay, you don't need to discuss it with me. Though I'm here should you want to," Chris smiled for a moment and pulled the sunglasses off the top of his head, folding them together and dropping them on the coffee table. "Just be careful with him. It's pretty clear you're the only one he wants touching him right now and he'd pretty fragile, obviously. I don't want either of you getting hurt any further."

Jared put his coffee cup down on the table, letting his fingers rest against it for a few moments. "Chris, I would _never_ hurt Jensen." _Feeling something more. Feeling more._ The words made sense to Jared on some level - but he wouldn't hurt Jensen. If he learned anything since this started - it was that he missed his friend when he wasn't around - like there was some hole in his chest. It wasn't like he _disliked_ being so close to Jensen... "Chris, I..I can't do this right now - let's just worry about Jen." Finally letting go of his coffee mug he sat back on the couch and folded his arms across his chest.

"Alright," Chris nodded and stretched his arms up above his head. "He's gonna be an intolerable asshole for the next few days, and probably all over the place emotion wise. He might even say some hurtful things, it's all the withdrawal talking okay? Our main goal will be to ensure he doesn't sneak off so I think I'll keep his keys and you make sure you've got yours on you at all time." Chris turned his head to the side. "How you doin’? Need a nap or anything? I can hang out with him for awhile."

"No... I want to be here when he comes back out." Jared ran his hands down his face, "he seems better when I'm around." Kicking his feet up on the coffee table he yawned, "so - we can't trust him at all? I mean, he's still Jensen. He wouldn't steal my car or anything." He frowned, tightening his arms across his chest.

With a quiet sigh Chris ran a hand through his hair. "Jared, his body has been thriving on this stuff for awhile, to an extent we don't even know. Right now... there's very little he wouldn't do to get some sort of hit. Stealing your car included. Phones too, in case he tries to call his dealer or a cab."

There was a muscle twitching in Jared's jaw, he could feel it tightening and letting go. "Okay, so - I'll keep my keys and my phone on my belt. Should I ask him if it's okay to check his room?" It felt a little like treating Jensen like some sort of prisoner in his own home.

"If you want, I would just do it but..." Chris shrugged and pushed up from the couch. "More coffee?" He asked, grabbing his own mug and gesturing for Jared's.

-=-=-=-

Jensen went through the motions of a shower automatically. The water wasn't nearly hot enough and he was fairly certain it never would be. His blood thrummed dull and steady through his veins, silently begging and pleading him to cave. To give in to that overwhelming urge. Jensen was far too weak. He was pathetic, hopeless, heart broken and the only way he'd get through this was by sheer force borrowed from Jared and Chris. He knew at any moment - if their backs should happen to be turned - he'd be out that door and heading toward that blinding oblivion.

When he was finally dressed and returned back to the living room, Jared asked if he could search through his room. Jensen would have snapped at him if Jared hadn't accompanied the question with a hand low on his back and a warm smile. There wasn't anything to be found so he nodded and watched Jared go. When he turned back, Chris was staring at him with sad eyes and Jensen told him to fuck off before getting a cup of coffee.

The mug shook in his hands and liquid splashed along the surface and Jensen was overcome with the urge to throw the glass as hard as he could against the far wall. But Chris was taking the cup from his hand a moment later as if he could read his mind and offering a piece of toast with peanut butter on it. Jensen ate in hopes that the hollow emptiness curling through him might be filled with the bread. It wasn't. And Jensen threw a string of curses at Chris when the man stopped him halfway to the home phone. Jensen really was just going to call his Mama, and then maybe a taxi, and Chris was really starting to push his patience.

Moments after Jared was back in the room Jensen was by his side, sucking in the warm comfort of the hand on his back, sliding along his skin until Jared's arm was around his shoulder. Jensen ignored Chris' narrowed gaze as he slipped his arms around Jared's waist and held him tightly. Jensen was exhausted and he made it known by yawning loudly, rolling his head into the crook of Jared's neck.

"Why don't you lay down for a nap? I've got some things I need to take care of but I'll be back later tonight for dinner okay?" Chris shifted to pull his keys from his pocket, meeting Jared's eyes a moment later. "Jared you call me if you need _anything_ okay?"

"Fuckin' overprotective," Jensen mumbled, eyes closed as he practically hung from Jared's body.

Jared nodded over Jensen's head. "Thanks, Chris." Squeezing Jensen's shoulders he pulled back a little so he could see his friend's face. "You want to go lie down for a while? I won't go anywhere - I'll just watch TV or something." He smiled, staring down into his friend's eyes.

Jensen waited until he heard the front door shut with Chris' departed before he answered. "Could we lie down in your room? You could watch TV so I could sleep with you..." He bit his lip and told his heart to stop racing so much. Jensen didn't deserve Jared's special treatment. He should really just go into his own bed and give Jared his space. After all Jensen was doomed to spend the rest of his life alone so he might as well get used to it and stop torturing himself with the constant Jared contact. He still waited for Jared's answer though because his touch seemed to be the only thing to make the shakes and cramps bearable.

Jared's free hand moved up to his chin and he rubbed it over his stubble. Once more he found himself listening to the echo of Chris' words -but - it just seemed so cruel to deny his friend one of the only things that gave him comfort. "Okay, Jen..." He let his arm fall from Jensen's shoulders and turned, heading toward his bedroom. He grabbed the remote off his night stand and flicked the TV on; he flipped through the channel until he found an old black and white movie, turned the volume down and kicked off his shoes. "C'mon then," he said as he crawled into the middle of his bed tugging the quilt up from the bottom of the bed and waiting.

Wasting no time Jensen crawled onto the bed beside Jared, grateful that he'd thought to wear a pair of sweats and a baggy shirt. Sleeping in jeans was probably one of his least favorite things in the world. He settled in the crook of Jared's arm, snuggling into the side of his body and adjusting into the most comfortable spot. Sleep was already tugging at him and Jensen mumbled a sleepy, "thank you Jare..." before closing his eyes. The scent of the man invaded his scenes and Jensen couldn't resist tilting his head and pressing a small kiss to the skin just above Jared's neckline.

The muscles in Jared's neck fluttered under Jensen's lips and he pulled away slightly. When he looked down he realized that Jensen was already drifting off to sleep. He'd never admit it to Chris but it was nice to be the one Jensen needed; he felt like he was drowning. There was so much he didn't know, so many things to deal with and so many things that could go wrong. But this, he tightened his hold on his friend, he could _do_ this. And - if he were to really explore it - it wasn't just because Jensen needed Jared.

Jensen had no idea when but at some point he woke with a large wave of shakes, clammy skin that was dripping with sweat, stomach cramps, but was never quite conscious enough to be aware of more than Jared's soothing words. The pain was too intense to comprehend and Jensen alternated between whimpers and groans, curling in on himself before pressing flush against Jared's body.

It hurt to see Jensen suffering and Jared wished more than anything that he could take the pain away. His arms tightened around Jensen's shivering body, he pressed his lips to his temple, smoothed his hair back off his forehead - anything - anything he could do to distract Jensen from his withdrawal. Jared didn't get much sleep during their _nap_ \- he was entirely too focused on Chris' warnings about Jensen trying to leave, hide things, call a dealer. He was almost relieved when Jensen wanted to get up and move around, insisting that he could, in fact, die from lack of fresh air if they kept him prisoner for days on end. Jared couldn't help smiling a little as they hunted around for their shoes and went outside into the back yard with the dogs. Typically, the dogs were _over-the-top_ excited to see Jensen; Jared had been keeping them outside a lot while they tried to restrict the things that could overwhelm Jensen. Even though Jensen wasn't his usual energetic self with Harley and Sadie -they seemed to sense it and spent most of their time just running _around_ him in circles.

Breathing in fresh air was a relief and Jensen occasionally let his hand trail along the running dogs but mostly just leaned against the railing of the back deck and stared at their back yard. He knew Jared was watching him and that was alright, it was the only comfort to be gained, having him near. Jensen stared at the fence, wondering the realistic possibilities that he could climb over it and run before Jared caught him. Didn't seem very likely.

At some point Chris returned and Jensen finally allowed them to lead him inside. He ate half a tuna sandwich when Jared insisted - along with a warm hand in the middle of his thigh - and only vaguely registered Chris' attempts at sparking up conversation. In the end they settled on a quiet evening and watched a movie, though Jensen mostly just stayed curled against Jared's side and alternated between dosing and shaking so bad the couch felt like it was vibrating around them. Eventually Jared suggested they head to bed and Chris declared he was staying in the guest room downstairs, _just in case_. Jensen didn't linger over what that meant, though he did watch Jared with curious eyes to find out if he'd be allowed to share a bed with him once more.

Eyes moving away from Chris' nervously, Jared swallowed a few times, scratched his head and turned to Jensen. "You... where do you want to sleep Jen?"

"I..." Jensen pointedly ignored Chris. "Your bed is bigger."

Chris frowned slightly but kept his mouth shut, looking between the two with heavy lidded eyes.

Jared's eyes darted around the room, anywhere but Chris' face. "Okay, come on then - night Chris - I'll make breakfast in the morning." He turned swiftly and moved towards his bedroom knowing Jensen would be along after he said good night.

"Jensen..." Chris' tone was firm and he rubbed his forehead. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm withdrawing from two months of constant cocaine _Christian_. What are you doing?" Jensen scowled and folded his arms across his chest, rocking back and forth slightly.

Chris shook his head, "You're just making it harder on yourself. Constantly being all over him. Do you think that Jared is going to hold you while you sleep when this is over? When you're all better? Jen... he's _dating_ someone. And you know he's just being there for you because you're his best friend... not more."

Jensen stared at his shaking hands. Chris' words were too true, too right for Jensen for to handle right now. He pushed up from the couch and took a step toward the stairs. "I'll take what I can get."

"Jensen..." Chris said softly from behind him but Jensen didn't stop heading for the stairs and up to Jared's room.

He was still scowling slightly when he made it past Jared's threshold, eyes scanning the room until they fixed on the closed bathroom door. It didn't matter what Chris said, right now. There was no way he was going to make it through this night without those strong and comforting arms around him. Jensen tugged off his shirt and threw it to the side, slipping out of his sweats before climbing under Jared's blankets, turning back the edge closest to the bathroom and rolling onto his side, waiting.

Jared was tugging his shirt off as he came through the bathroom door; he tossed it in to the laundry hamper like he was making a basketball shot and grinned down at Jensen. "Still got it." Okay, so he was a little nervous, he just didn't know where that was coming from all of a sudden. Slipping out of his jeans he climbed into bed and settled on his side facing Jensen, leaving some distance between them. "Long day, huh?"

"Incredibly so," Jensen nodded and shifted slightly forward to Jared. "I'm gonna owe you a big bag of candy for all this," he said quietly and reached out a shaky hand, letting it rest on Jared's chest.

Fingers curling around Jensen's automatically, Jared pressed his friend's hand tighter to his chest. "Did Chris give you a lecture?"

"Something like that," Jensen said softly and adjusted slightly on the bed so he could feel the heat from Jared's body. "I take it he talked to you too?"

"He just doesn't want me to... hurt you." Jared looked down, letting his eyes close for a few moments. "I won't." He shifted back a little, freeing Jensen's hand. "You should sleep - you're probably really tired."

"I really am," Jensen nodded and bit his lip. "You won't Jared. I know... I mean... you're not leading me on or anything. I know." A large shake coursed through him and Jensen groaned. "Is it okay if I... move closer?"

"Y..Yeah, sure," Jared was missing the warmth anyway. He lay there, focusing on trying to breathe normally, then opened his arms, "come on."

Jensen shifted forward gratefully, body instantly drinking in the warmth from Jared's skin. His heart kick started in the way it only did when Jared was involved and he turned his head, pressing his lips to what should have been Jared's cheek. But it was closer to the edge of his lips then his cheek and Jensen lingered several seconds too long.

Jared's breath hitched in his chest and he cleared his throat to cover it. He was just _all_ over the place since he'd found out about Jensen. He still couldn't get the look of Jensen's face out of his mind, that first night when he opened the door and Jensen finally asked for help. His voice was thick with emotion when he spoke, "it's... it's gonna be okay, Jensen." He slid his arm over Jensen's shoulder, fingers moving through the soft curls on the back of his friend's neck.

"I hope so," Jensen said softly and dropped down onto the pillow, snuggling as close to Jared as he could get. He knew he probably would only be allowed a few more hours sleep before the cramps returned with too much force to be ignored and he needed to savor it. "Night Jay..."

"Night," Jared's smile faded as his eyes closed. Chris was right, he was getting in over his head.

-=-=-=-

Jensen was still pretty exhausted when he woke up in the morning but that had a lot to do with the fact that he'd spent a good majority of the night awake and shaking, body curling in on itself. He'd simply buried himself against Jared's flesh and let the sleeping man's steady breaths keep him as calm as possible. It was safe to say Jensen had never been in more pain before and he couldn't imagine this ever getting better. Now he was in Jared's empty bed, the mattress beside him was cool so he figured Jared must have been up for awhile.

The first shirt Jensen found was actually Jared's but he tugged it on anyways. It was a real sign of just how frail he'd become in the past two months with virtually no food, he was nearly swimming in the man's shirt. And Jared was bigger yeah but not _that_ much bigger. He tugged on his sweats next and realized Jared's shirt smelled like him. It definitely made the moment he had to lean against the wall and clench his stomach much more bearable.

The distinct rumbles of his two friend's voices sounded from the kitchen and Jensen walked silently down the stairs, hesitating as their words became understandable.

"So she's pretty pissed at you?" Chris asked Jared and Jensen could hear the clink of a spoon against what was presumably a coffee mug.

Groaning, Jared fiddled with his coffee mug. "Yeah... well, she said some pretty shitty things the last time we spoke. I get it - I really do," he looked up at Chris. "I think maybe - it's just... we're too different ya know?" He liked Genevieve, he really did - she was fun, she had a great body. The sex was good, hell, the sex was great ... but they were fundamentally different on some levels. "We just... well, we didn't see eye to eye on how I should be dealing... with..." he gestured around the kitchen, "things around here."

Chris hummed thoughtfully, "So she basically made you choose between her and your best friend?"

"Sorta?" He took a sip of coffee, "too close, too much time together... and worse stuff... you know, that Jen's a fuck-up and I shouldn't..." Resting his head on his hands he sighed. "It's okay, I think."

"Jared, you sure you're okay with all this. Holding him ‘cause of the withdrawal is one thing but breaking up with your girlfriend... Jensen's important and I get that but you have to think about yourself too," the chair skidded along the floor as Chris pulled it out from under the table.

"Sometimes, things just happen and you realize things about the people in your life ... that you didn't know before or... maybe you did but some part of you..." he shook his head. "It's okay, Chris, she... just needed to move on. Obviously we have different ideas about friendship. It's not _because_ of Jensen... "

Jensen really wanted to know more about what Jared was saying but the symptoms rolled through him so quickly he collapsed in surprise, groaning loudly as he his knees collapsed on the floor and he doubled in on himself. Any more thoughts about Jared and his now lack of girlfriend - and things about people you didn't notice before - vanished with the wash of burning need and pain. All consuming, clouding his thoughts and making his shoulders shake intensely.

Chris looked momentarily surprised at Jared before he stood up. "Jensen," he said though by the look on Jared's face he knew it was obvious.

Darting around the corner Jared dropped to his knee beside Jensen, hand settled on his back. "Jen? What happened? You okay?" He felt Chris settle beside him.

"Just..." Jensen gasped out and clutched at his stomach. " _Fuck_." He hissed and rocked forward until his head rested on the floor.

"Let's get him to the couch," Chris said softly, pushing back. "Think you can carry him yourself?"

Nodding, Jared turned Jensen very gently; his friend's moans were horrible to listen to. He slipped his arms under Jensen's shoulder, and knees and pushed up off the floor. He carried Jensen over to the couch where Chris had thrown some pillows at one end and set him down as gently as he could. He lingered there, arm under Jensen's shoulders and ran his hand over his friend's forehead. "What's going on, Jen?"

"Dying," Jensen mumbled, burying his head into Jared's shoulder and breathing deeply.

Chris returned a few moments later with a warm, wet towel, handing it to Jared over his shoulder silently.

Wiping Jensen's face and neck, Jared smiled. "Chris?" He looked over his shoulder, "do we need to get him something?" He knew his eyes were wide. Jensen had been doing okay.

"There's really not much we can get him..." Chris said quietly, frowning down at Jensen. "I did some research, there are a few experimental drugs out but only as test drugs, nothing has been released officially. We could try to make a few calls but well... it's just the second day, things will be rough for a couple of days before they slowly get better."

"Wanna..." Jensen gasped and pulled his eyes open. "Do this. Gotta. Either that or get me..." Jensen sucked in a deep breath to try and fight off the shake of his body. "Jare... just one. _Please_."

Shaking his head slowly, Jared slid his arm out from under Jensen. "You want your job, Jensen? You _want_ to be an actor then you need to not _give up_ now, yeah?" He grabbed hold of Jensen's t-shirt... doing a double take when he realized it was his. "So - me and you - just look at me and breathe okay? You can do this - it'll pass, it always passes right?"

"Jare..." Jensen hissed and reached up to tug on Jared's shirt. He needed him as close as possible if the was going to get through this.

"I'm going to get some water," Chris said quickly, heading for the kitchen.

Jensen tried to roll himself and ended up falling off the couch and onto Jared, climbing into his lap and throwing his arms around the man's neck. "Hurts... hurts so much Jared."

"Chris?" Jared called over Jensen's head, "S'okay, Jensen, just breathe man..." He tried to push Jensen back up on to the couch but he was hanging on too hard so he settled for just holding his friend steady. It was strange - heat had lurched through Jared's body when Jensen launched himself onto him. It rattled him, was _still_ rattling him. "Chris? Now would be good, Chris."

Rounding the corner, Chris stopped for a moment, arching his eyebrows at the way Jensen was practically attached to Jared. "Alright, come on Jen, back up on the couch to drink this." He set the glass on the table and tugged Jensen off Jared and onto the couch.

Jensen whimpered and curled up again, barely managing to get his fingers around the glass pressed against his palm. The liquid was cold even if he spilt most of it over him. Things were starting to ebb off a little now though the shakes intensified and Jensen looked between Chris and Jared. "S-sorry."

Jared blew out a breath and pushed up off the floor. "Chris..." He stumbled back a few steps, "I need to get... some... go for a..." He blinked. "I'll be back. Stay with him?" But he was already heading for the door, grabbed his jacket and unintentionally slammed the door behind him. Walking down the sidewalk, he just kept thinking he needed time away, a little break. He was still saying it when he drove off down the road and an hour later when he was sitting on the ocean front watching people walk past.

When the house finished echoing around them in the wake of Jared's departure, Jensen let out a surprised cry of pain. Chris was beside him in a heartbeat, arm coming over his shoulder and Jensen wondered if he knew this cry had nothing to do with the still burning pain his stomach. "I know Jen... but you do too." Chris said softly and ran a hand through Jensen's hair. "The guy just broke up with his girlfriend, and... it's just been a rough few days for him."

"I know," Jensen whispered and let himself lean against Chris though his body was made of too much muscle, not enough height. And he smelt like... not Jared. Which wasn't what Jensen wanted. "I'm not... it just... god damnit Chris. Why does it have to hurt so much?"

"Life is a cruel mistresses, or master in your case," Chris chuckled softly and squeezed Jensen. "When you get through this thing Jen... you're really gonna have to rethink things."

Jensen knew Chris well enough to not need to question which things he had to rethink. Living here, submitting himself to a constant twenty four seven parade of the man he was hopelessly in love with, it was the reason he fled in the first place. But how could Jensen leave? How could he go back to having his own place? Wouldn't spending the hours by himself in solitude make it that much worse? It was too much for him to consider while dealing with everything else. "Chris... please let's just not talk about it okay?"

"Alright," Chris said and pulled back slightly, forcing Jensen to take his glass of water again. "You wanna tell me a little about what I can do? Want some food?"

"Couldn't eat just now, maybe later," Jensen sighed and shifted back on the couch. He wondered where Jared had gone, wondered if the man had fled to _her_ to make things better. He wondered if Jared would come back or if he was going to spend the rest of this whole horrible thing with Chris. Who was a great friend of course but... he was no Jared. "Chris..." he breathed.

"He'll be back Jen, stop freaking," Chris said and shifted onto the couch beside him, laying his hand on Jensen's knee and squeezing. "Jared wouldn't abandon you."

Jensen nodded and tried to believe Chris. It was easier said then done and Jensen turned and curled his body in a tight ball in the space between Chris and the edge of the couch, tucking his feet under Chris' legs and resting his head on the arm of the couch. It was pretty uncomfortable but this way Jensen could stretch Jared's shirt over his knees and imagine it was the man holding him.

-=-=-=-

Jared's cheeks were ruddy and wind burned by the time he left the ocean; he felt a little better, calmer and was actually starting to wonder what was going on back at the house. He had a lot to think about, and not just because Jensen was dealing with his... drug problem. It still hurt a little to even think about it. Jensen had changed so much and maybe that was all part of it. Maybe Jensen needed Jared so much, so hard, caring about him the way he did was influencing Jared's feelings. And - really - the physical stuff. Who didn't like to be held, there was comfort in it. Yeah. He'd keep telling himself _that_ on the way back home.

When Jared came back through the door a few hours later he had a box of fresh cupcakes, a hot pizza and two bags of groceries hanging off his arm. "Little help here guys?"

Chris climbed off the couch and moved around to help Jared, taking the bags and the cupcakes. "Good man, supplying food." He grinned at Jared and headed toward the kitchen with the items.

Jensen blinked, still curled in on himself, staring at the TV. He had no idea what was on but it had been that way for awhile now so he didn't mind. He wanted to get up and hurry to Jared's side but everything was catching up with him and Jensen was very aware suddenly just how _all over_ Jared he had been the past few days. And despite what Chris thought on the subject, Jensen didn't want to move out because he freaked out the man. So he kept his legs tucked up against his chest and wrapped his arms around himself, shaking steadily.

Jared left Chris in the kitchen with the pizza; he could hear him getting plates out of the cupboard. He kneeled down by the couch and reached out to run his hand down Jensen's arm. "How you doing? Did ya miss me?" He grinned.

Jensen bit back the urge to say 'duh.' He tilted his head up slightly and smiled with just the softest up tilt of his lips. "Yes. Where did you go?" He asked softly and dropped his gaze.

"Nowhere special, don't worry 'bout it." He sat back on his heels, "I got your favorite kind of pizza. Want some?"

"Sure," Jensen nodded and pushed up, gently unfolding his legs from under the shirt and sitting up. He needed to move around anyway. And no, he wasn't in the least bit curious where Jared went. Or not that he would admit out loud. He hesitated by Jared, blinking at him and wondering if it would be too weird to step in for a hug. Once upon a time there wouldn't have even been a question, but that was before everything changed.

Jared patted Jensen on the back and headed back into the kitchen punching Chris on the shoulder as he passed him. "Don't eat it all, dude." He pulled out a stool and sat down beside Chris, "come on Jensen, come and sit with us like a civilized person." He flashed a grin at Jensen.

This was no good. Jensen was feeling all shattered and he had no right too because Jared was being great. More than great. Caving to his every wish. Well... almost every wish. He walked over and dropped down onto the stool, folding in on himself. It wasn't right, to feel this on top of everything else. And the ache for _everything_ \- for a fix, for oblivion, for Jared - was sinking in on him, making him feel more hollow than he imagined possible. Jensen curled his hands along the edge of the counter.

Chris watched him curiously and pushed the box closer. "Want a piece?"

Jensen wondered if it were possible to get sick off water. Or get sick because of the sheer lack of food. He reached for one piece, took a bite and set it back down.

"Jen," Jared took a huge bite of pizza and mumbled with his mouthful, "I went to that cupcake place," he swallowed, "Dude, it's creepy in there." Jared looked thoughtful. "It's very pink, and frilly and there are lace doilies and little decorations." He faked a shudder. "Nasty stuff."

Turning to look at him, Jensen blinked in confusion. "The one Misha said turns you gay just by walking passed?"

Chris choked on a drink of his beer. "God, do you guys seriously have these types of conversations?" He shook his head as if he was disappointed in them.

"You don't?" Jared looked at Chris with his best attempt at a look of surprise. He winked at Jensen, and for a second was reminded that things might just be okay again at some point.

Jensen shook his head, "That's the problem with you Chris. You just don't understand the important things of life." Jensen clicked his tongue in disappointment and smiled over at Jared. The smile he received in return made his heart warm. Chris just rolled his eyes and shook his head.

Jared looked at Chris over another slice of pizza. "You want to go home for tonight? Sleep in your own bed? I got things covered here. I feel a bit better now I've had a break." He didn't mean it to provoke the hurt expression it did on Jensen's face - but - it was the truth.

Chris looked at Jensen for a moment before nodding, "Yeah I probably should. Your guy's guest bed sucks ass." He chuckled and watched the way Jensen's shoulders shook slightly. "That okay with you Jen?"

"I'm not a fuckin' baby," Jensen snapped and pushed up and out of the chair, leaving the kitchen in a rush of quick steps and taking refuge behind his bedroom door.

Chris turned toward the slamming door, blinked, and turned back to Jared. "You sure you want me to go?"

Sighing, Jared let his pizza drop back onto his plate. "Yeah, Jensen and I - we..." He rubbed his eyes. "We'll be good. We gotta get through this and come out the other end some how." He reached out and squeezed Chris' shoulder. "We'll be okay... I'll call you if we need help."

"Jared..." Chris sighed softly and pushed up from his chair. "You're walking a dangerous line here. I don't know if you realize it. It's... I'm worried for him. For you. We didn't flat out discuss it but whatever he's got for you... it's pretty bad. Please be careful okay?" He let his hand fall down hard on Jared's shoulder, squeezing gently. "And call in the morning."

"I will Chris," Jared grabbed his friend and pulled him into a quick hug. "Trust me, I care about Jensen too much to hurt him."

Jared walked Chris to the door and then wandered back to Jensen's door not quite sure what to expect. He knocked softly on the door.

Jensen stared at his shaky hands, sitting on the edge of his bed and nearly whispering, "Come in." He was tired - exhausted - and he just wanted to crawl under the blankets and lay in Jared's arms for the rest of the night. Or drown himself in the shower. Or knock Jared out with something heavy so he could make an escape to find that sweet oblivion.

"Hey, Jen," Jared's voice was quiet as he pushed the door open. He closed the door behind him and moved over to sit on the bed beside Jensen. "You stayin' in here tonight?"

"I don't know..." Jensen sighed softly. "I know you probably want your space... I've been sort of... attached to your side and you've been so very good to me and..." He clasped his hands together. "I have to be getting annoying."

Jared heart felt a little tight in his chest for some reason. He bumped his shoulder against Jensen's, "you're a little annoying," he said dipping his head down so his friend could see the smile on his face. "We're good, Jen, I won't do... I mean..." What did he mean? "You're okay with all this right? I mean... it's helping you... if I... touch you and stuff." Jared looked away, blinking his eyes a few times. Was it okay. Jesus.

Pulling in a quivering breath, Jensen nodded. It was helping him. It was the only thing he wanted. And at the same time it was the worst feeling in the world, the things being dangled in front of his eyes. Just out of reach. "Jared..." he breathed and curled his hands around his head, rocking back and forth. "It's... I can't even... tell you... it's..." his shoulders shook and Jensen wished he could make sense of the words.

"Hey... hey..." Jared hated seeing Jensen so hurt. "Come on, let's get you settled for the night." Jared shifted on the bed and slipped his fingers under the hem of Jensen's t-shirt and tugged it up, "arms up." He smiled at his friend and pulled the shirt up over his head. "Get your pants off Jen," Jared stood up and started unbuttoning his shirt. "I'll stay here tonight." He sounded much more confident than he felt; it just seemed that the last thing Jensen needed was to feel guilty about... this... as well. "Tomorrow we'll go for a walk, yeah? Take the dogs out? Not far - don't worry - just a little ways."

"Um... alright..." Jensen stood up and pulled off his pants. Those words, hearing Jared say things like get your pants off weren't really helping matters. It was one of those things Jensen settled on though because the idea of not having Jared there with him... it was too much. He stepped out of his sweat pants and kicked them across the room. He slid under his blankets and watched Jared finish undressing. Heat boiled under the surface and Jensen wondered if his body could literally explode from too many emotions.

Jared slid under the covers and lay on his back staring at the ceiling. "Can I ask you a question Jen?"

"I suppose," Jensen tucked his arm under his head and rested down on it, staring at Jared's profile.

Jared rolled to face Jensen, "what happened? When I met you... you were so confident, sure of yourself. It's why people like to be around you. What happened?"

Frowning, Jensen's shoulders shook slightly and he let his eyes drop from Jared's face. "I... wasn't prepared. For..." He swallowed and shook his head. "Are you sure you want to hear this Jared?"

Tilting his head, Jared fixed his eyes on Jensen's face. "Yeah, I think... I should." He had a horrible feeling he knew what was coming but, somehow, it seemed right to hear it.

"I've never... met anyone like you before," Jensen rolled onto his back and stared up into the ceiling. He couldn't say this to Jared's face. He couldn't have this conversation while Jared's gaze tried to catch his. "And I don't want you thinking you're to blame because you were always just being you. And I... just fell. Hard and fast. It was so unlike anything... I guess I don't know when things got to that point. Where I just loved you so much it made every part of me ache. I thought I was gonna be alright, even if you never... but then... you started dating Ge... well you know, and she was all over you though I know it wasn't meant to hurt me. It did. More than anything. And then that night... the kiss..." he shrugged and kept his eyes up. "Does that answer your question?"

It took a couple of attempts for Jared to get his voice to work. "Yeah, I suppose it does." He cleared his throat and pinched the bridge of his nose for a few seconds. "Jen..." The muscles in his chest tightened making it a little hard to breathe. It was his fault. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Jensen swallowed hard and felt the familiar prick of tears along his eyes. "Because... I was scared. I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I didn't want you to look at me different." Jensen finally forced himself to roll on his side and face Jared. "Because I didn't want to be told that you didn't feel the same. I knew it, but I just... if you never told me then I could still pretend that maybe one day..." he forced a chuckle. "That's fucked up huh?"

Jensen's eyes looked so sad, like everything had been taken away from him and Jared's mind was going a hundred miles an hour. The laugh was so hollow Jared never wanted to hear it again. "What do... how do I make it better then? Should I stay away from... you?" Asking the question made his stomach flip, because there were a lot of things he was prepared to do for Jensen - to help, but he wasn't sure that he could actually walk away.

"No," Jensen shook his head rapidly. "I don't... look I'd rather you be here. I can learn to deal with it. Look Jared, having you as my best friend is more important... I mean... I need you in my life. And I know people, Chris, think it's messed up but well, you know how I feel now so it's just something we'll deal with right?" Jensen reached out let his hand to hover by Jared's face before slowly resting along his cheek. "We can get through everything right? Even my ridiculous crush on you?" He flinched at the words even as he said them.

Afraid to even think, Jared just leaned into Jensen's hand and closed his eyes. "Yeah, we can get through everything, Jen." He could feel that muscle twitching again in his jaw, strange how he'd never noticed it before. Slipping his hand over Jensen's he turned his head and pressed his lips to his friend's palm. He waited there, frozen, scared that Jensen would just push him away. He just wanted to give Jensen something. So far - Jensen kept laying things on the line, telling the truth, struggling through everything that was thrown at him.

Lips were not something Jensen was prepared for. He swallowed deeply, and pulled his eyes up, searching Jared's face. He didn't want to move, was even afraid to breath, wondering what all this meant. Really it wasn't fair on his addled mind to try and process all of this. "Jared..." he breathed out and wet his lips. "Can we just... I'm tired..." he shifted slightly forward. "Sleep?"

Jared blinked, "I ... uh I wasn't going to do anything else, Jensen." Fuck. Jared rolled over onto his back. "Night Jen." He squeezed his eyes shut.

Jensen stared at Jared's back and shifted back slightly. His voice shook, "Night." Fighting back the prick of tears, Jensen rolled so his back was facing Jared and pulled in on himself. He had no idea what had just happened and it was just another thing added to the pile.

There were a million reasons for Jared to stay right where he was and only one reason for him not to. He rolled over and scooted up against Jensen's back, sliding his arm over his friend's chest. "Night," he whispered into Jensen's hair.


	5. Chapter 5

Chris was pounding on the door _so_ loudly at nine in the morning that Jared couldn't decide whether to answer the door and let him in or just drop-kick him in the head. Fortunately, by the time he staggered to the door with his jeans half on he had his wits about him and remember that Chris could kick the _crap_ out of him with one hand tied behind his back. He settled for scowling at him, turning and leaving the door open. "Coffee," he mumbled as he moved into the kitchen. This whole being-on-watch all the time thing was starting to really drain him.

"Great idea," Chris nodded and followed Jared to the kitchen, closing the door behind him. "Jensen still asleep?" He glanced around and leaned against the counter, folding his arms across his chest and considering Jared. "How did things pan out last night?"

"Yeah... he was sleeping when I..." Jared's jaw snapped shut and he leaned on the counter for a few moments. "Things were fine. Unless you're asking for more specific information?" Jared turned to meet Chris' intense gaze.

"Just wanna make sure you're both still alive," Chris shrugged and dropped his hands to the counter, leaning back on the hard surface. "How'd he do over the night? Did he wake up a lot?"

"Yeah, he did," Jared sighed, "probably why I'm so bitchy. He was up and down like a damn yo yo... and I was scared to sleep in case…" he waved his hand at the door. " _I_ am going to make coffee."

"Good idea," Chris nodded.

Jensen woke in a _foul_ mood. The night before was weighing heavily on him, on top of _everything_ else. Jensen thought it was a miracle he wasn't collapsing under the weight of it all. He stepped into his pants, yanking them up and tugging on a shirt. There had better be fucking coffee ready for him because Jensen needed the burn in his veins. He threw the bedroom door open and headed for the kitchen, scowl intensifying as his eyes zeroed in on Chris and a shirtless Jared, one right after another these things resting on his shoulders. " _Jesus_ Kane, don't you have a fuckin' life?"

"Good mornin' to you Jensen," Chris tilted his head at Jensen, watching him cross to the bar stool and drop down. His eyes flickered for a moment to Jared then back.

Yawning, Jared slid a coffee cup in front of Jensen. "Here you go, sunshine."

"Don't you fuckin' start with me too," Jensen practically growled and snatched at the mug, draining the scalding liquid in deep swallows.

Chris arched an eyebrow, though he didn't look surprised. "Rough night Jen?"

"No it was just peachy until the man I've been in love with for years decided kissing my hand would be a good idea and would not send me _any_ mixed messages," sarcasm dripped off his words, thick and heavy and he glared down at the counter.

"Jensen," Chris said the name sharply, eyes flickering over to Jared and quickly back.

Jared took a deep breath and put his coffee down gently on the counter, “wow. Thanks Jensen. I... I don't even _know_ what to do with that."

"Welcome to the club," Jensen grumbled.

"Jen seriously, I know you're in pain, but you don't need to take it out on the one person who's been here for you," Chris said soft but firm. "Well you know, besides me. But I'm mostly here to kick your ass. If it were up to me you'd be sleeping alone."

"Oh I'm sorry, apparently I'm supposed to be a perfect little angel who keeps his mouth shut," Jensen shook his head. "Haven't we already covered the fact that I'm completely fucked up? Or did you two miss the memo?"

Jared slammed his palm down on the counter. "Jen!" He curled his fingers into a fist slowly. "It _won't_ happen again." He looked up to two startled faces and cringed inwardly. But, really, Jensen didn't need to bring that up in front of Chris. It was... personal... something really... well, Jared had thought it was special but it obviously wasn't. The silence was pretty uncomfortable, "would anyone like more coffee? That is, Jensen, if you're... finished." He didn't mean to sound quite as sharp as he did.

"I'm not," Jensen snapped but he slid the mug away from him slightly and pushed up from his seat. "And trust me _Jared_ I am fuckin’ _aware_ that it won't be happening again. It not happening is the very reason I'm fucked up like this."

"You're the reason you're fucked up like this," Chris shot in and stiffened his shoulders, arms crossing in front of him. "And you know it so stop trying to lay the blame on Jared."

"I'm fucked up because some guy in Vegas offered me coke before letting me fuck him then stuck around for three weeks just to repeat the action as much as possible," the words fell from Jensen's lips before he could pull them back. Jensen couldn't get himself to shut up. Heat was burning through his veins and every escalated word seemed to lift some of the tension, like the way he felt after a really good run, tension unwinding from his shoulders. And Jensen went on at the identical looks of surprise on Jared and Chris' faces, "Oh never thought about all that did you? Never bothered to ask _how_ this all started. Well now you know. Poor little Jensen went and got himself a little fuck toy who doped him up on cocaine and ecstasy for three solid weeks."

"I did ask you!" Jared was yelling, "you said it was _my_ fault! You said, that it was because I didn't feel... the way you did. That it was too much." He was panting when he finished and waited until he could speak steadily before continuing, "did you lie about anything else?" He stared at Jensen.

"You're such a selfish fucking idiot Jared," Jensen snapped, releasing all his pent up emotions and energy into the words. "You asked me _why_. And you _are_ why. Kissing you on the couch that night, you shoving me away, that was _why_ I went to Vegas. There's a difference between the why and the how obviously. So if you want to continue to let yourself feel guilty for my problem, you can go right on doing that. Wouldn't want to deny you the right to be your usual self righteous self."

Jared sniffed and looked down at his hands. "Funny how the truth comes out at the strangest moments." Not only did Jensen blame him, he wasn't going to even let it be _okay_ for Jared to try and make up for that. _Self righteous_. That was awesome. His eyes darted up to Chris'. "Do you want any more coffee, Chris?" His voice was soft, quiet... _hurt_.

"Alright this has gone on enough, come on you," Chris looped an arm around Jensen and dragged him out of the room.

Jensen slammed his fist down hard on the nearest part of Chris he could reach. "Put me down you fucking asshole! I'm not a little kid! You can't just man handle me," he continued with a string of curses as Chris easily pulled him into his bedroom, nearly shoving him across the room. "What the _fuck_ Chris."

"You're gonna get over this soon I'm sure and then you'll remember what you've just said to Jared and you'll be glad I took you away when I did. Though the damage has already been done," Chris shook his head.

"Why the hell do I have to regret anything?!? Jared's not the one in love with me! Jared's not the one in miserable fucking pain!" Jensen shot back and turned to his bed, pulling at the blankets and things and tugging them off in his anger.

Chris sighed, shook his head, and left the room, closing the door behind him. Listening to Jensen's angry curses on the other side of the door for a moment he finally released the knob and headed back to the kitchen. "You okay?" He asked Jared softly.

Jared stared at Chris for a few moments. "Nope. How are you?"

"It's the withdrawal Jared, he doesn't mean those things," Chris said quietly and reached out for his mug. "I told you there would be times that he said stuff... it's a coping mechanism, the anger riles up some of that kick they're looking for."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure he meant all of that." Jared leaned back against the counter. He'd thought he knew what was going on last night. He'd _thought_ that just kissing Jensen's hand would show him that he cared about him. But, it was becoming more and more clear to Jared that he was a bit lost, and confused when it came to his best friend. "So... should I go and talk to him? Or stop making things worse?"

"I think he needs some time to cool down. It's just like the shakes and cramps, moments where one symptom is more intense than the others." Chris swirled the liquid in his mug then looked back up at Jared. "You kissed his hand?"

Jared _really_ didn't want to have this conversation with Chris. "It was a..." he shrugged. "I was trying to..." He sighed. How could he even begin to explain something to Chris that he couldn't even understand himself? "I... I don't know why I did it. He was just there and he touched my face - and I felt..." his hand drifted up to his chest, "I _felt_ something. I don't know what and I can't explain it. And, I shouldn't have done it." He took a deep breath, "okay, let me have it."

Chris stared at Jared for a long time in silence, hardly even blinking. Finally he shifted his weight to the other foot and slowly shook his head. "Jared, Jensen is one of my best friends and I love him like a brother, but you're my friend too and that's important okay? So I want you to listen to what I'm going to say and really _do_ it." Chris paused for a moment to take a deep breath before continuing. "Until you figure out whatever it is that's going on in you, it's probably not the best thing to be... physical with Jensen. And I know that's gonna suck because he's not anywhere close to being better but every time you do something, even if it seems completely casual to you, that's like adding wood to the fire. I know you don't want to hurt Jensen, and I _know_ he doesn't want to hurt you, so taking a little step back is probably a good idea. I can be here to cover the slack."

Surprisingly, the thought of not being able to be the one to hold Jensen, felt less-than-great. "What if he wakes up in the night and needs something?" Even Jared couldn't believe how pathetic the words sounded once he'd put them together.

"It's only a suggestion," Chris lifted his shoulder and dropped it. "At the very least you should step back today. Not sure how long this pissy thing is going to last, why don't you get out for awhile? When do you have to go back to the set?"

Jared looked down at his hands, "tomorrow." Going back to work without Jensen was going to feel really strange. Eric had arranged it so that they could film a lot of stand-alone scenes with Sam until Jensen was able to get back on his feet. "You can... keep an eye on him?" Chris has already gone far above and beyond the boundaries of friendship.

"Yeah, I wouldn't dream of leaving him alone. Too much temptation." Chris sighed and moved to the coffee pot to pour himself a fresh glass. "So what do you think? Gonna take some time for you today?"

"Sure," the only problem was Jared couldn't think of anywhere else he really wanted to be. "I"ll... go out for a while. Will you make sure he doesn't think... that I left because..." Jared chewed on his bottom lip and ran a hand through his hair.

"Oh, we'll talk," Chris nodded and smiled at Jared, laughing when he didn't look very reassured. "He's gonna feel like a major dick when he snaps out of this. So prepare yourself for apologetic Jensen later." He reached out and patted Jared's arm.

"Okay," he took a deep breath and tried a smile, "I'll get dressed and go out. Try not to get hit by any shrapnel in there."

Chris laughed and reached up to pull Jared in a hug, figuring the man could use one after all that. "He knows I can kick his ass."

-=-=-=-

Jensen spent the first hour in his room throwing things around. His aim was to pump up that anger and adrenaline as high as it could go. Then he got to his closet and started pulling things from the top shelf until his photo album fell with a heavy thud on the ground. It landed open to a page of pictures around Christmas last year. Jared was attached to his side in all of them, bright grin, dimpled cheeks, teeth flashing white and Jensen was staring at him with so much love and devotion it _hurt_ just to look at it. This had Jensen stopping, staring at the images with wide eyes.

He just made it to the bed before collapsing in a heap of deflated energy. He fell into a restless sleep, waking a couple hours later to jerking spasms and shaking shoulders. A warm hand was comforting him, stroking along his arm, through his hair. "Jared..." he breathed out, seeking comfort. When he managed to peel his eyes open it was to find Chris sitting on the edge of his stark white mattress - the sheet and everything included spread across the floor.

Jensen barely made it to the bathroom before spilling up the bile mixed with half a cup of coffee. It was not very pleasant and Chris rubbed along his back but the hand wasn't nearly large enough and the smell was all wrong, the words too deep and gruff. At some point Jensen got him to go and he stood under the shower spray, letting it cascade down his face and chest. It was freezing cold but he couldn't be bothered to turn on the heat. By now the dull thrum in his veins was too much.

Chris was waiting for him in the living room with peanut butter, juice and large glass of water. And thankfully he didn't say a word until Jensen had managed to finish off both items and Chris returned with a second full glass.

"Jared's gone." Jensen began the conversation. It was more of a statement than anything else because he already knew the answer.

For his part Chris managed to keep his clipped words just the right side of pissed off. "You said some pretty fucked up things. He needed a break but he'll be back."

"I'm a fuckin' asshole," Jensen observed and sighed when Chris nodded in agreement. "Think he'll forgive me?"

"That's up to Jared to decide," Chris shrugged. They were quiet for awhile while Jensen worked on his second glass of water. Then Chris asked, "Did you really pick up some guy in Vegas?"

Jensen flinched. Chris always seemed to know what buttons to push. Jensen had learned to accept it but now was really not the best time. He answered regardless. "Yeah. It was never... it was supposed to be a one time thing. I thought it would help me get over Jared."

"Did it?" Chris asked around the rim of the coffee mug pressed to his lips.

Jensen snorted a laugh and shrugged. "Obviously not. I don't think there's much that would get me over him." Jensen let Chris think on the words but pressed on before the man could offer any advice. "I'm too far gone Chris. No matter what happens, even when we wrap Supernatural for good and go our separate ways..." Jensen shivered at the thought. "I'll never be one hundred percent over him."

"Jen..." Chris' voice was nothing short of sad and Jensen had never heard that level of sympathy from the man. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Because I was supposed to be straight," Jensen chuckled humorlessly and set his glass on the table in front of him. "Jared was never part of the plan."

Chris nodded as if he got it, which Jensen knew he didn't, no one really could unless they'd felt this type of love. And seeing as Jensen doesn't even know how to describe this type of love...

"I'm sorry," Jensen said softly after another stretch of silence. "I know I was an ass to you too. You don't deserve it."

"You're forgiven and it's forgotten," Chris smiled and reached out a hand to tug him close to his side. "You have to stop shutting out people Jensen. It doesn't get you anywhere."

"Understatement of the year," Jensen sighed and shifted to try and find a comfortable position against the shorter man's side. It never worked, wouldn't work because it wasn't the person he wanted to press against the side of. "I think I'm gonna try getting more sleep... Chris?"

"Yeah Jen?"

"When do you think they'll stop? The shakes and the cramps? I don't know how much longer I can handle them..." Jensen's body was still shaking, felt like it would always be that way. The need was still there too, bubbling under the surface but Jensen knew he'd always feel that too. He knew what it was like to be good and thoroughly gone, not having to face the world. There was no way he'd ever forget that feeling and he was certain even if he ignored it most days, it would always rise to the surface whenever things got tough.

"Hard to say, your time was shorter than most on the stuff but you were in pretty bad. I'd say they'll be gone by the time you have to return to set, but that doesn't mean you won't still have some symptoms."

Jensen couldn't process the idea of heading back to set yet and he shoved that away. Facing all the people he'd been a complete and total dick to for the past month was an overwhelming idea. He pushed up from the couch and finished the glass of water. "Alright. I'm gonna lay down..." He wanted to tell Chris to say something to Jared for him - anything to make it better - but he knew the words were going to have to come from him. "You'll be here later?"

"Until Jared gets home yeah," Chris nodded. "If I don't see you I'll be back tomorrow while Jared's on set."

With a nod Jensen escaped to his room. He didn't want to think about Jared being on set. The idea of being without him another day sparked up that ache. Jensen dragged his blanket onto the bare mattress and curled beneath it, falling into sleep almost instantly.

-=-=-=-

Jared had spent an hour or so walking with the dogs, an hour trying to eat an ice cream cone while Sadie stared at him and then an other hour taking the longest possible route home. The dogs were happy to be outside; Jared was miserable. He had thought the fresh air might help him figure out his thoughts, his feelings but he suddenly found himself standing in front of their house with no more answers than when he'd left. It really felt like he had screwed things up royally with Jensen; crossed lines that couldn't be _un_ crossed. Jared knew a few things, he knew that he had missed Jensen when things were really bad; he knew that he was sorry if he'd hurt his friend; he knew that he had feelings for Jensen that weren't there before. Well, if they were - Jared had done a pretty good job of ignoring them. He also had a feeling that it would never be something he should act on - not the way things were for Jensen. So - the last thing Jared knew was that his heart was aching.

He pushed the door open quietly and let the dogs in, listening to them skittering around on the hardwood floor. Toeing off his boots he padded down the hallway. "Hello?"

"Hey," Chris pushed up off the couch and came to him, petting the dogs when they ran to his side. "Good walk?"

"Yeah," Jared gave him a quick smile, "how goes the battle here?" He glanced nervously at Jensen's closed door.

"He's... better. Over the pissy thing for now at least. Just resting," Chris shrugged and moved back to the couch to pull on his boots. "We talked a little, made peace." Chris rose a moment later and came back to him. "What time are you going to set tomorrow?"

Jared rubbed the hells of his palms into his eyes, "Uh... eleven am make-up call. I'll probably be on set till ten or so tomorrow night. Is that okay?" He cringed, knowing they were expecting a lot from Chris.

"Yeah, I don't mind." Chris smiled softly. "I'll bring stuff to do, maybe make Jensen help me with some songs I've been working on. I'll be by around ten tomorrow morning." He pulled his keys from his pocket and reached out to squeeze Jared's arm comfortingly. "Call me if you need anything yeah?"

Nodding, Jared felt his stomach sink a little. He wasn't looking forward to being alone with Jensen, and, frankly, was hoping his friend would just sleep straight through until Chris arrived again. "Good night Chris - and thanks, man."

"No problem," Chris smiled again and headed out the door, calling a brief, "good luck," over his shoulder.

Jared stood in the front hallway for a few moments, scratching his nose then wandered into the living room and flopped down on the couch. He snagged a pillow from behind his head and pressed it over his face, considering trying to suffocate himself with it.

Jensen had been awake for awhile, trying to make some sense of his room and the wreck he'd made of it. So he heard Chris' rumbled voice, Jared's slightly higher one, and he stooped down to pick up his photo album, clutching it to his chest as he listened to the two men talking. He couldn't make out any words so he just waited until the door shutting shook the house slightly and silence fell. Another few minutes and he convinced his feet to move forward.

It seemed like Jared would probably go up to his room so Jensen was a little surprised to find him on the couch. Jensen bit his lip as he stepped toward it, arms folded over the album against his chest. "Jared?" He asked quietly, shifting the weight from foot to foot nervously.

Moving the pillow off his face slowly, Jared blinked his eyes open. "Hi," he didn't meet Jensen's eyes, didn't want to see how hurt they were. _Because of him._

"Hi..." Jensen's voice remained soft and he didn't move from his spot. "Jared... I'm _really_ sorry about what I said. I shouldn't have... you didn't deserve that. It's just the... you know, everything is so hard right now and you've been the only reason I've managed to stay sane and I hate that I've hurt you. And I understand if you totally hate me because I deserve it but... I am sorry." He looked down at his feet and tried to hide how badly his body was shaking. He felt so miserable, like he was falling in on himself and Jensen wasn't certain why he was even surprised by the feelings anymore.

"It's okay, Jen, I deserved it. I shouldn't have... touched you the way that I did." Jared's eyes were fixed on the ceiling. He felt like he would break apart if he had to look over at his friend. "I'm sorry... for giving you mixed signals." His voice broke a little and he coughed, then rubbed his thumb over his bottom lip.

Jensen shook his head and realized after a moment that Jared couldn't see that. "Don't..." he swallowed and tried again. "Please don't apologize for that. I... I wanted..." he trailed off and didn't bother trying to explain. How could he rationalize to Jared that he wanted any touch he had to offer? Even if it was a bit twisted of him to savor them so much when he knew they meant nothing short of friendship. "You didn't deserve it. Jared... please... I thought we were getting better..." his voice sounded tiny even to him and Jensen wished he didn't sound so much like the broken shell of a man that he was.

Jared squeezed his eyes shut, "we're fine, Jen - don't worry about it." He kept thinking that Jensen would get cranky again and go back to his room. _Please_. "You need me to get you anything? Coffee? I can make you something to eat if you want?"

"I'm fine." Jensen said quietly and walked to the kitchen himself. It was obvious to him that they were anything but fine and Jensen had seen Jared in a lot of moods over the years but the way he continued to avoid looking at him, the sad notes to his words, all this had Jensen reeling with ache. It was worse than Jared pulling him close and unknowingly teasing him with the type affection he could never have with the man. Jensen retrieved an apple from the fridge and a glass of water before carrying them and the photo album over the table and dropping down into a chair.

"Whatcha doin', Jen?" Jared pushed up on his elbows.

Jensen glanced up from the book to answer, "Eating an apple, drinking water, looking at photos." He dropped his gaze a moment later took a bite from his apple, other hand coming out to rest against the photo nearest to him.

Sitting up on the edge of the couch, Jared looked over at Jensen's back. "Is that the photo album I'm not allowed to look at? Or can I join you?"

"You can join me," Jensen swallowed. He wondered if Jared looking at the pictures would help him see things through different eyes. Probably not but Jensen was done keeping things from Jared regardless.

Walking over to the table was hard; sitting right beside Jensen was harder. Jared _wanted_ to pull him close, smooth his hair back from his forehead, rub the small of his back. He didn't, he sat nervously next to Jensen, barely close enough to see the photos.

"I swear I'm not gonna bite," Jensen whispered to Jared, eyes fixed on the book in front of him. He slid it sideways a little, offering it to Jared.

Jared felt his bottom lip tremble a little as he shifted his chair closer. Without looking at Jensen, he slid a trembling hand off his own thigh and on to Jensen's; fingers curling into his friend's thigh. "Your favorite photos?" His voice was thick and heavy.

"Yeah," Jensen nodded and instantly soaked in the warmth of Jared's hand on his thigh. That one little touch felt so soothing he pushed the book a little more toward Jared. "Mostly you. Us. Pictures that... show. How I feel. Before... I didn't want you to see them. I thought maybe you'd put two and two together."

A smile crept on to Jared's face. "I like that you have these." He lifted his free hand, gently rubbing over the closest photo. "Where was this taken?" They both looked really happy, maybe on set somewhere? Jared had his arm slung across Jensen's shoulders and Jensen's hand was pressed against Jared's chest.

"Hmm on set, second season I think. We were doing some interview thing," Jensen smiled as well as he gazed at them. It was good to see Jared wasn't freaking out about them, because Jensen would just feel worse. He reclined back a little, alternating between glancing at the pictures before looking back up at Jared's face as he considered the photos spread before him.

Jared flipped the page; there were so many happy images. He couldn't help wondering how things had gone so wrong. Just one night of too much beer and a kiss... and everything went downhill from there. He kept his eyes on the photos in front of him. "The guy... in Vegas? What was he like?"

Jensen's shoulders stiffened slightly and he stared at the table. "Uh... he was... average. James. Apparently he was a big druggie though I swear I didn't know that when... we met." He couldn't imagine telling Jared that he looked a little like him and even as he thought back on it Jensen couldn't properly visual him. "It was supposed to be a one night thing."

"Why him? Where did you meet?" For some reason, Jared had felt a little flare of jealousy earlier when Jensen had blurted out the news about his trip to Vegas. He felt like - he needed to understand everything that Jensen had gone through, like maybe somehow, if he could figure out _why_ Jensen had made the choices he did - then he could somehow help him to heal.

"Some bar," Jensen drank from his glass for awhile. "He... he looked... the most... appealing."

"Why did you take the drugs when he offered them?" _Why didn't you just walk away?_

Jensen traced his finger through the ring of condensation the water had left and let his mind travel back to that night when this whole horrible thing started. "I just wanted to stop aching." He whispered. "I knew it was stupid. I knew I shouldn't. But it just... was easier than... always hurting." He didn't look up at Jared and his face flushed with shame.

Fingers massaging Jensen's thigh gently, Jared's voice was almost a whisper. "Will you always hurt - if I'm around?" He didn't know which answer he was less prepared for; yes or no. Which answer would make his heart ache less?

"I don't know..." Jensen wet his lips. God, more than anything he wished he could just tell Jared to feel the same way about him because that would make everything so much easier. "But I do know that I would hurt even more if you weren't around." Of that, Jensen was certain and he wanted to get up and hide so he didn't have to hear Jared say something that might make his heart break just a little more. Damn all of this just _sucked_.

Jared shifted slightly so he was facing Jensen and slipped his hand off the warmth of his thigh and around to the small of his back. When Jensen didn't pull away Jared leaned closer, his breath ghosting over Jensen's cheek. He licked his lips and pressed them to the corner of Jensen's mouth, lingering there, inhaling the scent of his friend. He knew it was probably wrong, didn't know why it seemed so important... he just didn't know. He was frozen there, waiting for some kind of response from Jensen, his lips so close.

 _Ohgod_. Jensen's heart skipped and stuttered as his mind tried to process the feel of Jared's lips so very close. And he didn't seem to be moving which really had Jensen just as confused. This was certainly _not_ a friend providing comfort. For a moment Jensen considered all the different ways to react and the truth boiled down to the fact that he'd been so strong with quitting cocaine, with all the withdrawal, there was no way he could be strong enough to resist turning his head the few centimeters it took to align Jared's lips with his. Unlike their one previous kiss - that was a drunken memory in his mind - there was no taste of beer, no moment of startling realization. Jensen's eyes fell closed and he moved his lips slightly, marveling at how surreal the entire scenario was, marveling at how silky soft he had always imagined Jared's lips would feel against his. He was afraid to deepen things further and he moved his lips just slightly, already anticipating Jared inevitably pulling back.

His entire body was trembling, there was more in that gentle movement than Jared expected. His heart was racing and he actually felt dizzy for a few moments right before he parted his lips and kissed Jensen; he slanted his mouth over his friend's, brushing his lips slowly back and forth over Jensen's, something _deep_ inside him igniting, starting a slow burn. When he pulled back his fingers were clutching the material of Jensen's shirt, he swallowed, "I... don't hate me. I can handle anything else, but don't hate me."

Jensen didn't know what those words meant but he did know that if that was the only kiss he ever got to share with Jared that he would treasure it forever. The ache - constant and familiar - was there, but it didn't sting quite as bad he thought it would. "I don't... wouldn't ever..." Jensen traced the taste of Jared along his lips and sighed softly. It occurred to him that maybe it was just a friend thing, Jared being his usual amazing self and giving Jensen something he'd wanted for years. It would never be enough but it would have to do. "T-thank you." He said softly and his eyes watered as he stared down at Jared's arms.

"I didn't do that because you wanted it," Jared looked down, "I did it because I wanted it." He squeezed his eyes shut again, hand rubbing Jensen's back slowly and leaned down so his forehead rested against Jensen's temple. " _I_ wanted it." His voice was soft, breath warming Jensen's cheek, "I don't know what else I want, and I don't expect anything from you... but I wanted to kiss you." He was terrified to move away, in case everything just started to unravel all over again.

"Y-you?" Jensen could hardly bring himself to form words. What did this _mean_? He blinked rapidly and stared down, eyes crossing slightly as he tried to stare down Jared's face so close to his. He swallowed thickly. "I... okay. And, and you did. Kiss me. And?" He guessed from how close Jared was that it hadn't been a bad thing - certainly hadn't been for him - and really Jensen didn't mind being this pressed closed to Jared though he was a little terrified of exactly what was going on and how it would affect him, them, in the long run.

Jared sat back further on his chair, hand slipping off Jensen's back and settling in his own lap. "And…" he took in a shuddering breath, "I liked it." He looked down, letting his hair fall over his face, hiding a little. "I don't expect this to be anything, you have a lot going on and it shouldn't _be_ anything until you're feeling a hell of a lot better. I just... I don't know - I couldn't _not_ do it." He swallowed, it was hard, and his throat felt like he'd been swallowing sand. "If sometime, when you're better..."

It was a little flare of hope that Jensen never thought would spark up in his heart. And he knew Jared was right, he was so utterly _broken_ right now, definitely not relationship material. But... when he was better. If that wasn't motivation to _be_ better he didn't know what was. "Yeah. When I'm better." He nodded and smiled brighter than he could remember smiling in a long time. He reached out and brushed some of the hair from Jared's forehead. "We'll talk about it then? When I'm better?" His eyes traced the familiar lines of Jared's face.

Nodding silently, Jared closed his eyes again focusing on the feel of Jensen's fingers on his face. "I... have to get some sleep. Back to work tomorrow." Opening his eyes he looked up at Jensen's face, smiling slightly.

"Oh, okay," Jensen nodded and pulled his hand back, wondering at the boundaries between them until that time in which he would be better. "Do you... should I sleep in my room? So I don't wake you? Wouldn't want Kripke pissed at me for sending back his other star looking worse for wear..." Jensen felt that guilt over the show nudging at his stomach and he looked down at his once more shaking hands.

"No... come with me." Jared stood up and held out his hand, "just sleeping... like before... but I think it helps you. And I like it." He didn't have to worry about Jensen leaving; he could feel his warmth all night. He _liked_ it.

Jensen grinned, pleased, and folded his hand in Jared's. "It does help me," he agreed and followed Jared out of the room and to the stairs.

-=-=-=-

There weren't a lot of things that made the next stretch of days bearable so Jensen clung to what he could get. Which was generally being close to Jared. It didn't make the symptoms of withdrawal go away but it helped eased the pain. Chris was there for him too, the day after the real kiss Jensen was forced to spend long hours hanging out with his friend. And he liked the guy - and his music - but really, he could only take so much even on the days when he wasn't suffering miserably. Any time he informed Chris of this though the man simply smiled and ruffled his hair like it was all some big joke.

Jensen missed Jared immensely every time he had to go to set and no matter how many times he tried, Chris wouldn't believe him when he said he didn't need a babysitter. It was okay though, because there were some times when Jensen sincerely doubted his ability to stay strong. Like that first day when Jared was gone, Chris had caught him digging through the drawers for his keys and Jensen had spent the afternoon throwing books across his room in anger. And then the consequent evening apologizing to his friend immensely and picking up those books while feeling like a complete and utter douche bag.

The day after Chris came prepared - which meant he came with a large box of donuts and the largest can of coffee Jensen had ever seen. It made him chuckle for awhile and, though Jensen still missed Jared, the day went a little better. He only fought with his friend twice - once over Jensen not eating enough during lunch and the other over Jensen sulking on the couch and listening to what Chris called "moody emo music." Jensen wasn't sulking, he was _withdrawing_. But it occurred to him later on - after the anger had simmered and fizzled out - that Chris was doing it for his own benefit, getting the rise out of him so Jensen didn't snap at Jared in the brief time they had together before he collapsed from a hard day's work.

More often than not Jensen still cycled through his shakes and cramps, waking up in the middle of the night and trying to curl away from Jared so he didn't disturb his sleep. Jared simply scooped him back up, rocked him back and forth with soothing words and Jensen sucked in the comfort like the best medicine known to man. For the most part Jensen tried not to think about what Jared's lips felt like on his. Soft, silk, heat, the best glide of sugary sweet that Jensen had ever felt. Because every time he shoved the thought away he had to shove down the consequent follow ups of doubt and fear. The ones that said, _maybe he kissed you because he feels guilty_ and _maybe when you get better he'll realize he was just confused._ It was really safest to not think about it.

Somewhere during the second week Jensen's shakes subsided enough for him to sleep through the night. He woke in the morning to find a note from Jared on the pillow beside him - _Gone to set. Be back late. Don't wait up, will call. - J._ \- and Jensen walked down steps to see Chris making omelets. Jensen ate the entire thing and Chris smiled at him with a look that said he knew Jensen was getting better. And Jensen was. It still hurt, it was still the hardest thing imaginable to resist the urge to give in to the always there need, but Jensen was slowly starting to believe they he _could_ do it.

He'd secretly fretted and worried over whether he'd still be sharing a bed with Jared now that he was sleeping through the night. In the end he went to bed in his own room and when he woke around one with the need for a large glass of water, he had to crawl over Jared to get out of bed. He really didn't mind that much.

The last day before Jensen was supposed to return to set was meant to be Jared's day off but they called him mid morning and insisted he come in. It wouldn't have been much of an issue but Chris was in a day long meeting and Jared had fretted over the idea of leaving Jensen alone for a good half hour before Jensen had shoved him out the door and reassured the man that he would be alright. Jensen couldn't say for sure that he was going to be okay, alone, all day with the temptation right there but he knew he had to face it eventually. Seemed like the day before rejoining the real world was a pretty good day to do it.

Jensen had wandered around the house for a few hours, unfolding and refolding towels, doing all of his laundry as well as Jared's, dusting, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming. And when the house was completely cleaned Jensen located a box of Rice Krispies and a bag of marshmallows and made up a big batch of Rice Krispies treats. He knew Jared liked them when he made them, all gooey and sticky, and then Jensen had to take a shower because the idea of Jared licked marshmallow goo from his fingers was far too appealing.

He wanted to make dinner but had no idea when Jared would be home, so instead he got himself a glass of water and settled in on the couch with the remote controller for the x-Box 360. Which was how Jared found him when he returned home a half hour later. Jensen was hunched forward, lip caught between his teeth, in the midst of a massive Halo shoot out.

"Re-shoots suck," Jared muttered as he fell onto the couch beside Jensen. He watched Jensen's face for a few moments, grinning at how intently focused he was on the game, grinned, and let himself fall sideways. Jared nuzzled his head under Jensen's arms so his head was on his friends lap. He smiled up at Jensen - "hello?"

"Just a sec." Jensen grumbled and hit the trigger button on repeat, only to be caught off guard a moment later and blown up by a hand grenade. "Damn." He sighed and dropped the controller to the side and looked down at Jared with a bright grin, hand coming down to trail through Jared's slightly damp hair. "Did you remember how to act this time? So you won't have to do more re-shoots later?"

Wrinkling his nose, Jared smirked, " _you_ are a funny guy." Jared stretched, aching and sore from the last stunt; he'd had to do it six times before he got it right. He ended up stretched over Jensen's lap, back arched, eyes closed with a grin on his face.

Jensen's body was swirling with heat, eyes fixed on the way Jared moved across his lap. "I know... I'm _hilarious_." He meant to chuckle but the noise died in his throat and he blinked rapidly to clear his eyes. "But uh... things went okay?

"Yeah," Jared mumbled sleepily. "S'not as much fun without you there though. Can't wait for you to come back." Jared closed his eyes and rolled back toward Jensen's body, nuzzling closer. Rules be damned, he was exhausted and Jensen smelled good.

The warmth crawling through him was pure pleasure and Jensen trailed his hand through Jared's hair, down to his back where he rolled the muscles firmly beneath his fingers. "Tomorrow's the day. I'm ready to get out of the house for more than an hour or so at a time. Ready to get back into it." He smiled and shifted to get a better angle to massage Jared's tense shoulders.

"Mmmmmm," Jensen's fingers were working the knots out of Jared's shoulders and sending a strange smattering of tingles down his back. "Jen?" Jared's hand slipped forward to press against his friend's chest, "will you tell me - sometime- when you're ready to talk? About," He looked down feeling a flush crawl up his neck, "me? well, you... and me?"

"Yeah," Jensen nodded and pursed his lips together. "I... I'm really starting to feel, you know, better. Today wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I cleaned, oh and I did your laundry by the way. And there's Rice Krispy treats in the kitchen." Jensen's hand came up to trail over Jared's cheek, moving down to slide across the man's lips before he could stop himself.

Jared's lips captured Jensen index finger as it slipped past. He smiled shyly as he kissed the pad of his friend's finger. He'd spent so much time thinking and wondering, trying to figure out what he wanted and what Jensen wanted. What it came down to - in Jared's mind anyway - was that it felt good to touch Jensen. It wasn't _just_ because touch helped Jensen to deal with what he was going through; there was more to it. Jared had feelings for Jensen. The more he thought about it, the more inclined he was to believe it had always been there somewhere. He just didn't really put it all together. Over the past week he had found himself curled up with Jensen's photo album a few times. The photos spoke volumes about their friendship. Jared was always touching Jensen, his chest, his hair, the back of his neck; it was more than friendship.

Desire shot through Jensen, swirling up his arm and straight down through his crotch in a flash. He could feel himself stir and knew with his luck Jared would notice. The very thought had Jensen blushing brightly and growing even more aroused. "Uh..." he wracked his brain for something to say, some way to get Jared up and out of his lap before he made an idiot of himself - more than he had before. "Y-you... uh... um..." Nope, Jensen wasn't coming up with anything. And to think he was so stupefied just from one press of lips against his fingers. Obviously it had been far too long since he'd been touched like this - at least sober.

Swallowing, Jared shifted back a little, eyes wide and staring up at Jensen. "Too... soon? Should I?" He shifted to get up.

"No," Jensen's hand caught on Jared's arm and he blinked at him, though he wasn't sure what he should be doing next. "Just... felt good." He thought that might have been a little obvious but just in case Jared didn't know. "You've been... thinking? About... um... me and you?" He was insanely curious about the thoughts running through Jared's mind, was trying to convince himself that the signs were pointing in the right direction.

"Yeah," Jared closed his eyes and slipped his arm around Jensen's waist, tugging them closer together. "I... well..." his mouth was dry. "I like touching you, being around you, you're my best friend but you're... _more_ than that. I want to... try." Jared nuzzled into the soft t-shirt material covering Jensen's belly.

"T-try," Jensen stuttered over the word and stared down at the place where Jared's body was so close to his. The words the man had said were on repeat in his mind and Jensen's breath seemed uneven, off kilter. "More?" He swallowed and reached out to slide fingers through Jared's hair. It was an exhilarating thought, and terrifying, and Jensen never thought he'd be having this conversation so he's completely unprepared for it. "I... I would like... more."

"It's okay - if you're not into that right now - and I’m not trying to rush you. I know you're still working through things, and..." he shrugged a shoulder, "you're not even back at work yet and will probably need a lot of time and space. Which is fine..." his voice trailed off as he ran out of breath. He pressed his lips together in a thin line, thinking he should just stop talking before he sounded like even _more_ of an idiot.

"No space," Jensen shook his head and smiled softly, cupping Jared's cheek. "I... need to go slow. It's gonna take awhile for... you know, it's just, I never thought you'd feel... anything, more, for me. And so it's gonna take time, for me to... know. That you do. Does that even make any sense?" He chuckled and ended it by biting his lip. "But I don't want, space. I like... this."

Jared sighed, shifting himself a little on Jensen's lap so he could look up at his face. "You never asked about Genevieve." He blinked, thinking about the freckles on his friend's cheeks.

"Oh," Jensen flushed brightly and looked down. "I uh... I kind of overheard you... talking to Chris." He bit his lip and looked up at Jared under his lashes. "Sorry, I shouldn't have eavesdropped. Did you want to talk about it?"

Staring up and Jensen for a few long moments, Jared eventually smiled. "Okay - I wondered - I mean - you can be a cranky bastard sometimes, but I figured you wouldn't get involved with me if you knew I was still seeing her." His smile faded a little, "not that you're involved with me, or anything." This whole - having to watch what you say thing - was way out of Jared's usual realm of comfort. He was much better at blurting things out - and then apologizing for them later.

"I think..." Jensen could hardly fight back the bright grin that curved up his lips, "it's pretty safe to say we're involved. Um... working up to the full extent of the word? How about, we're exclusively becoming an us?" Jensen's heart lurched in surprise at saying the words. This time the blur in his mind had nothing to do with drugs, it was completely and totally Jared. "One step at a time?"

"Yeah..." Jared slid back a little and sat up slowly. Dropping his feet to the floor he turned back and flashed a slight smile at Jensen. "So - today was okay? Alone and all?"

"It was alright, I was... surprisingly lonely, considering how much I've complained about Chris being around so much," Jensen chuckled and slid forward slightly. "Jared? Can I... ask a favor?"

Shrugging off his jacket and tossing it across the room to the chair Jared nodded, "of course, anything." He beamed at Jensen, turned to face him.

Jensen swallowed and wet his lips. "Could you..." he took a deep breath before continuing. "Do you think you could... kiss me again?" He asked quietly, staring down at his hands and turning a bright shade of red. He'd never felt so shy before, it was a little ridiculous because this was Jared, but that was exactly why it mattered so much.

As far as requests went, it wasn't a bad one. The problem was it felt so monumentally important that Jared was pretty sure he stopped breathing for almost a full moment before he gasped. He smiled, realizing how nervous he was, then turned and scooted closer to Jensen on the couch. "Like... now? Or... one day?"

With a faint chuckle that shook oddly, Jensen shifted slightly and glanced down to stare at Jared's lips. "I was thinking now. If you want."

Jared leaned across, closing the gap between them quickly. "Now," Jared echoed, breath ghosting over Jensen's lips. Tilting his head slightly, lips parting, he slid his lips across Jensen's, barely touching, not a kiss - just closeness. When Jensen's breath puffed out against his mouth Jared sucked the other man's bottom lip into his mouth, letting his tongue run along it slowly. He'd wanted to do that for a long time, full, soft, silky lips. A small moan slipped from Jared's mouth and he pushed forward, capturing Jensen's mouth with his; slick lips sliding together easily. It was gentle, the way their mouths moved softly, belying the intense feelings that came with the kiss.

There was no way to describe the feeling of his heart fluttering, lips tingling, and Jensen poured all his energy into the gentle movements against his lips. Jared's moan echoed through his mind, and Jensen returned the sound, hand sliding across Jared's shoulder and low along the back of his neck, twining in thick hair. Jensen wanted to memorize every little detail of this moment, the way Jared's teeth slid slightly along his lip, the soft whisper of his tongue parting just slightly between his lips. The barely there touch had Jensen shifting forward just a little more, letting his own tongue snake out and trace the dip of Jared's lip, the curve of the upper. Another moan and Jensen tentatively pressed his tongue just past Jared's lips, slowly sliding back then a little further in.

Jared shivered, the sensation a little overwhelming. His mouth fell open easily against Jensen's. As soon as Jensen's hot tongue slid past Jared's lips he felt like his spine had collapsed a little; he sucked his friend's tongue deep into his mouth, his own tongue spiraling around it. Grabbing the front of Jensen's shirt he wasn't even sure if he was hanging on to keep the kiss going or just to hold himself up.

It certainly topped the list of the best kiss Jensen had _ever_ experienced. The pressure along his tongue was intense, coursed through him like fire and Jensen dropped his free hand to Jared's back, pulled him close for a moment before he broke the kiss with a gasp, forehead instantly coming to rest along Jared's. "Jesus..." he whispered, panting softly. Every part of him tingled and Jensen held back the urge to pounce across the couch and pin him down.

"MMMhhmmm." Jared couldn't stop shaking and let his forehead fall from Jensen's so he could bury his face in his friend’s neck.

Jensen kept a hand in Jared's hair, the other on his back, and turned his head to press a kiss to Jared's head. This kissing thing, he could definitely get used to that. It was better than he ever could have imagined and Jensen's mind automatically supplied how great everything else would be, if they got to that point.


	6. Chapter 6

Jensen had latched to Jared's side the moment they slid into the backseat, leaning heavily on him and curling their hands together. Nerves prickled along his skin and he could only manage a small smile and greeting to Cliff, who seemed just fine with that. His head fell to Jared's shoulder, trying to fight off the shakes. "I'm nervous," he said quietly, reaching with his free hand to pick at lint on Jared's knee. "Where does everything think I've been? Do they know?"

Jared grabbed Jensen's hand in both of his own and squeezed it tightly. "No one knows anything except Eric - and I didn't go into any more detail with him than you did. I just kept him up-to-date on how you were doing." It had been hard. Some days Jared had wanted to scream at people when he overheard them bitching about what a primadonna Jensen was for requesting time off during filming. Some days, Jared had wanted to tell people how proud he was of his friend, how it had been such a good day, a day of progress. Some days, Jared hadn't wanted to even think about Jensen and found himself worrying about how things would go when they were finally filming together again.

He turned slightly to smile at Jensen. "You're going to be fine, but, uh..." he squeezed Jensen's hand tightly for a few moments, "the... uh... you and me thing..." He tilted his head and shrugged. "No one... well, they won't know…"

Nodding, Jensen slid a little away from Jared to look up at him. "I understand. It's... probably for the best, for now. I don't really want to deal with gossip about us while there is still gossip about me." He smiled softly and looked down. "But if I... if I need a moment, with you, if it gets to be too much... can we have some kind of sign?"

Brows furrowed, Jared thought for a moment, "Yeah... grab Dean's pendent in your hand and I'll get you out of wherever we are..." he smiled, "or if I'm not there or can't see - just go straight to your trailer and I'll come find you." Jared was just as nervous as Jensen, he was certain. They were both hopeful, probably both putting on a hell of a brave front, but both worried none-the-less.

Jensen nodded, smiling softly as his thumb traced the top of Jared's hand. His eyes darted up to Cliff curiously. He knew the man would never repeat anything he heard come from them in the car, he was a really great guy, and he really wanted to kiss Jared but somehow the idea was too much. Kissing in private was still outrageously intense, anyone else witnessing was just... not something he could handle right now. He didn't want to share Jared and his... whatever yet. So he stayed content with simply holding Jared's hand as they neared the set and Jensen's heart began to race.

Cleared by security quickly, Cliff parked over near their trailers. Jared was glad that they were filming in on the sound stages for most of the day. It was a better environment; Sam and Dean were set up to have a long conversation with Castiel in one of the constantly re-made motel rooms they had on stage. "You ready?" He whispered just as he reached for the door of the car.

Panic shot through Jensen so quickly he was certain it had to paint his face in replace of the usual color. He'd come so far in the last two weeks though, there was only a few more steps to get back to his normality. "Yeah, as ready as I'll ever be," he said softly and followed out of the car.

They had hardly been on set for ten minutes before Eric tracked him down. Jensen was relieved he didn't have to follow him in a walk of shame again and gladly accepted the man's hug and low comment that he looked much better. It made up for the collection of dirty looks he got from some people he hardly knew at all. He apologized to the make up girls, the costume ones, and practically every person he could remember being rude to in any way before. It was nice to see smiles directed at him again, nice to not clear a room the moment he stepped passed the door. And it felt so _good_ to be back in front of the camera. Falling into the role of Dean was like stepping into a second skin after so many years filming the character and working along side Jared only made it that much better. The first day back he managed to only cling to his necklace once an hour, which was a lot less than he'd expected. And each time Jared managed to find a way to get them somewhere private where he could pull him in for a tight hug, hold him close so Jensen could soak in his comfort. By the time they reached their lunch break, Jensen couldn't keep the grin off his face; he'd forgotten how good it felt to feel so alive.

The first day back on set had gone well - and Jared found himself feeling a little more relaxed about how things were going to work out. By the time they made it home, Jensen was almost asleep and Jared had to drag him into the house and put him to bed. It was a good feeling to see his friend happy, tired and feeling like he'd accomplished something. The second day was harder work. There were a series of difficult stunts involving _Dean_ being thrown through the front window of a store and slamming hard into the sidewalk. Of course, the window was sugar-glass and there was a fall pad outside but Jared still found his muscles tensing as he hovered nearby. The stunt went relatively well except for the fact that Jensen managed to somehow twist his wrist kind of painfully underneath him. Jared's chest clenched when one of the PA's offered Jensen some prescription pain medication, he stepped forward and froze - letting Jensen deal with it himself. Jensen refused it gently and smiled at Jared. One more small victory. The rest of the day went well - culminating in a surprise water gun attack from Erik and Jim which thoroughly soaked Jared and Jensen and made them laugh harder than either of them had in a very long time.

By the time day three came around the fresh newness of things had worn off some and Jensen was verging on exhaustion. There was so much to catch up from the past two weeks - almost two episodes worth to catch up to the place Jared was - that he hardly managed to stay conscious long enough to get into the car each night. In truth Jensen had no idea how he would have done it without Jared there by his side. Since only Jared and Chris knew the details off his absence - and Eric the minor ones - Jensen had the added pressure of people asking questions. The questions had started once word spread that Jensen wasn't going to kick someone’s ass if they approached him. Sometimes Jared would bound over, throw an arm around his shoulder and successfully steer him away from the curious PA's and other times Jensen would smile and blush and say "personal issues." And even though Jensen felt good being back on his feet, being back at work, he found that constant need for a fix still there, always just under the surface. As the fourth long day approached Jensen thought about how he really couldn't wait for their weekend, even though it seemed unlikely to be coming any time soon.

Day four started after a long night of memorizing lines with Jensen. Jared's filming was limited because of his extra time working without his co-star. He didn't mind running the lines, it was time with Jensen and that was always good. If he was to be perfectly honest, Jared would have had to admit that he'd missed being _needed_. It was great to see Jensen back on his feet and moving quickly towards living his life the way he used to. It just made Jared a little sad, that the more quiet moments they had together began to slip to be back burner. He was looking forward to a few days off - just to spend some quiet time with Jensen. Yeah - he was a big sap. The day dragged a little for both of them; there were some minor technical difficulties that resulted in them spending about an hour throwing a football around rather than shooting. Some fans showed up while they were out across the road from the studio and Jared nodded quickly to Jensen to take off. He wasn't quite ready for the world of crazed fan girls. Jared put on his best smile and autographed and hugged until he was to go back on set. The rest of the day was uneventful and soon enough Jared found himself shoving a half-asleep Jensen into the back seat of the car for the drive home.

As things tended to get while filming, the days began to blur together into weeks as they worked quickly to wrap up the season. It was such an emotionally charged season - more than the ones before - Jensen found himself drained more often than not. Even Jared was drained on most days and more often than not the two collapsed into bed moments after getting in the house. For whatever the reason Jensen slept in Jared's bed nine times out of ten - and if he had to admit it out loud it was simply easier to fall asleep with Jared curled around him. Because of the direction the show had taken, Jensen's days off tended to differ from Jared's and Jensen generally used the time to catch up on sleep or work on lines. There were times it was all Jensen could do to get through the day and the moment Jared and he slid into the backseat, Jensen attached himself to his friend's side, drinking in his warmth. Other days he felt more human than he had been in years - those generally fell on the mornings after the boy's found a spare moment to share warm, lingering kisses. More than anything Jensen was looking forward to wrapping in March, looking forward to having long days to spend with Jared without work and outside pressures weighing on them.

Jared was happy. It had crept up on him rather quietly and hidden itself away behind the business and routine that their lives had fallen into. His life was different in some pretty major ways, good ways, the tired and busy he could put up with if it gave him happy. The last of the shooting days spend by and apart from a particularly awkward moment at the wrap dinner with Genevieve things went well. The best part of the awkwardness was the way that Jensen appeared out of nowhere, tousling Jared's hair and telling him there was a media call up front. There wasn't, what _was_ up front, outside against the back wall of his trailer was a rather heated kiss that left him breathless and wanting a hell of a lot more. By the time they were on their way home that night, their faces were covered with lazy smiles and tired eyes and Jared couldn't help feeling _hope_. He'd never really given up _hoping_ that Jensen would make it somehow, and he still knew there might be slips but he knew how strong his friend was. He slid his hand across the back seat of the car that final night as Cliff drove them home, and hooked his little finger around Jensen's.

With a small sigh Jensen turned to look at Jared and smiled even brighter, "I have _never_ been so glad for a wrap. Three and a half months of freedom..." Jensen slid forward and whispered against Jared's ear, "three and a half months to work on... us..." His eyes darted toward Cliff before he flicked his tongue out along Jared's ear lobe and grinned.

Jared started and felt his cheeks color, his eyes darting down to his knees. The corners of his mouth tugged into a smile and he turned to stare into Jensen's eyes. They were the vibrant green again that had disappeared for a while, clear, shining in streetlights that sped past the windows of the car. "Me too," he said quietly.

"You got plans to see your family?" Jensen asked, reaching out to flick back a strand of Jared's hair.

Grinning, Jared's brow's dipped a little, "nah, there's this guy. I mean, I've never… well, I've never dated a guy before. And, he makes me a little crazy. I was thinking - it might be a good idea if I spent my time off with him. You know," he pulled Jensen's hand into his own, "take him out, _keep_ him in, spend a lot of quiet time with him." His eyes darkened a little, voice lowering so Jensen could only hear him if he leaned in close to Jared's lips. "We've been kissing a lot, he has the most amazing lips - and I'm hoping - that, even though I'm pretty inexperienced, he might... want to do a little more... " Jared looked out the window, fingers tight on Jensen's hand - still the nervous guy who didn't have enough confidence to think that there was _no_ possibility of Jensen turning him down. In Jared's mind - it could still happen.

Heat burned low in Jensen's crotch as he considered the idea of _more_. "I have this... feeling that he'd be _very_ okay with that." Jensen grinned, squeezing Jared's hands. It didn't feel like the car was moving fast enough and the minute they pulled up, Jensen tugged him quickly toward the door, throwing it open and nearly running up to the front door.

Jared couldn't help laughing, he'd thought Jensen was tired to the point of passing out and suddenly found himself being dragged up the sidewalk far quicker than he'd thought possible. "Jen? I'm not going anywhere," he chuckled, "I live here too ya know."

"I know, I just feel like I've been waiting _forever_ and..." Jensen stopped short and grinned at Jared. "I just want... you."

"I know... me too," he leaned in and kissed Jensen's lips gently, "got your keys?"

"Mmm," Jensen murmured, curling one hand in Jared's shirt and dragging him in for another kiss as he dug in his pocket for his keys, fumbling them between his fingers. After a moment he pulled back enough to trace his tongue along Jared's lower lip before stepping back, grinning, and turning to the door to slip the key in the lock.

Jared slipped off his jacket and moved through the house quickly to let the dogs in the back door. He was still locking up when he heard the dog’s claws clattering across the hardwood and Jensen's cry as they collided with him. Chuckling, he walked back up the hall to watch Jensen scratching ears, and pushing Harley back down to the floor gently while trying to give them their supper. Leaning against the door frame he watched Jensen silently; his body had filled out again, his muscles stronger - due in no small part to all the _fine Texan cuisine_ Chris had been bringing over. Jared's heart sped up a little when Jensen flashed him a smile.

"It's a miracle we come out of that with all ten fingers," Jensen mused as he stepped way from the now eating dogs, kicking off his shoes and tugging off his coat. After dropping it along with his keys on the table, Jensen stretched his arms high above his head and moaned loudly as he stretched his body, tensing all the muscles before relaxing them and letting his arms drop. "That was orgasmic." He grinned at Jared, savoring the quick jets of pleasure and joy the moment sent coursing through him.

Jared just blinked, eyes darting to the sliver of skin that appeared just above the waist band of his friend's jeans. Licking his lips, he folded his arms, suddenly feeling a little nervous. He'd never done this before and wasn't sure how to move past the unwritten law they had of nothing more than kissing. "You... you wanna watch TV or something?"

"Not really," Jensen smiled and stepped forward, reaching out to lay his hand on Jared's waist and bring him forward. "But I'll settle for it if that's what you'd like to do." In truth Jensen thought he'd be up for doing _anything_ as long as Jared was involved. He had some preferences but they'd been taking things slow for a reason and he wasn't about to start pushing things now. Jared was the one new to these feelings; Jensen had already adjusted to waiting.

Worrying his bottom lip with his teeth, Jared spoke softly, "I... suddenly... don't know what to do. I know that sounds ridiculous, after everything we've been through. This is different though - and," he sucked in a breath, "I can't lose you- you can't... no matter what happens. Even if you hate being my boyfriend you can't _not_ be my friend." His eyes widened. "I didn't mean you _are_ my boyfriend already. Shit." He let his head fall down onto Jensen's shoulder.

Jensen chuckled as he wrapped his arms low around Jared's waist, holding him close. "You will _always_ be my friend okay? I doubt that I won't like it but you know... if anything happens. We’ll always be..." he stepped back a little and cupped Jared's face, forcing him to look up. "And I've uh... kind of been considering you my boyfriend for the past few weeks, or well, since I came back to filming." He blushed as he looked down then back up at Jared, thumb dragging along his skin.

"Really? That's kind of cute." Jared grinned, his nerves settling almost instantly. "You're a bit of a romantic aren't ya? Under that nasty Dean-like exterior." He raised an eyebrow, turning into Jensen's hand and kissing his palm.

"I do have romantic tendencies that are not limited the occasional surprise present and breakfast in bed," Jensen said softly, stepping even closer so their bodies pressed together. He kept his hand on Jared's face, the other slipping to press along the small of his back. "Is that gonna be a problem?" Jensen breathed out, watching Jared's lips on his skin.

"No... no..." Jared's lips moved over the palm, his fingers curling around Jensen's wrist as his lips found their way there. He licked at Jensen's dark veins, soft, quick movements of his tongue then sucked the flesh into his mouth. Jensen's skin was soft, and tasted slightly of sweat, salty. He sucked hard, drawing the blood up close to the skin, feeling the warmth of it, the pulse of Jensen's blood against his mouth. Letting go, he placed a gentle kiss there and smiled shyly.

" _Jesus_ ," Jensen breathed out, heat soaring through him. He marveled at Jared's ability to reduce him to a single word vocabulary, mind narrowed into this one moment here, pressed close enough Jensen could swear he could feel Jared's heart racing. The hand low on Jared's back slipped low enough to dip under the material of the shirt, sliding under the fabric and resting along the skin. Jensen dipped his head in slightly, running his cheek along the side of Jared’s face, turning in to the skin to press gentle kisses along Jared's cheek, down to his jaw line. Jensen dipped the kisses along Jared's neck, working his way along the muscles to the other side and back up to Jared's jaw, lifting enough to suck his earlobe between his lips.

" _God_ , Jen..." his breath hitched in his chest, and he let his head fall back against the wall. Jared's hands moved to curve slowly over Jensen's hips, his fingers digging deep into the muscle. Shifting forward slighting Jared's breath hissed past his lips as his body pressed tight up against Jensen's. "I..." his legs were shaking, "I think we should... " he slid his hands around to grab Jensen's ass - _hard_ \- "not be standing."

"Uh huh," Jensen agreed, sucking on Jared's collarbone, stepping back and pulling Jared back with him, keeping him close. "My room is closer," he breathed against the skin, walking them backward. Jensen's hands moved further up Jared's back, pushing up the shirt material, stepping back to tug the offending article of clothing over Jared's head.

Everywhere Jensen's touch fell, Jared's skin pebbled with goose bumps and he couldn't help the shiver that ran down his spine. His shoulder bumped hard against Jensen's door and he stumbled backwards, chuckling softly as he nearly took Jensen down. "S..Sorry... little clumsy..." He slipped his hands under Jensen's t-shirt, tongue moving slowly over his own lips. Jensen's skin was warm, smooth, and Jared loved the way his stomach muscles rippled as he shifted his body. Tugging gently on the shirt, he waited until Jensen lifted his arms and pulled it off over his head. Jared's lips parted and his shaking hands moved to touch the slightly tanned skin of his friend's chest. "You're... uh... really hot..." Even as the words left his mouth he could feel the flush crawling up his chest and neck.

"Why thank you," Jensen teased, reaching up to pat Jared's cheek beneath his palm. "Jared..." he said the name softly, hands shifting to run down muscular arms, over shoulders and down the flat expanse of Jared's chest. They hovered together just inside the doorway and Jensen felt a little light headed as his hands settled on Jared's waistband. "Can I...?" He asked softly, fingers slipping across the skin just above Jared's jeans.

The muscles in Jared's stomach tightened, pulling away from the burning touch of Jensen's fingers. Not trusting his voice, Jared bit down hard on his bottom lip and nodded, hands sliding across Jensen's chest. He loved the feel of his muscles, the lines, the tiny scar just below his collar bone and most of all the dusting of freckles. "Freckles..." his voice was soft and he moaned as Jensen's fingers grazed the skin below his belly button.

Jensen chuckled softly, hiding the nervous shake of his fingers by pulling the material up slightly and working the button from its latch, slowly dragging the zipper down. Jared's touches were like fire soaring through him and Jensen hooked his fingers in the denim, pushing down until they fell to his ankles. Jensen followed the trail down, stared at the rise of Jared's boxers then drifting down to Jared's boots. Looking up, Jensen's face lit up with an evil smirk a second before he stepped back, crouched and pounced forward. Using his upper body strength he tackled Jared across the room, landing hard onto the bed in a whoosh of breath, using the jeans around Jared's ankles as his disadvantage. A laugh fell heavy from Jensen's lips as he wrestled with the man, bending to tug off his boots.

The breath shot out of Jared's chest and he laughed, the tension slipping away. Jared kicked at Jensen half-heartedly with his feet and crawled backwards over the bed trying to escape.

"I don't think so," Jensen said in a teasing sing song, catching the legs of Jared's jeans in his fingers and tugging the material off, tossing it across the room. He crawled up on the bed, moving toward Jared with a predatory gleam in his eyes. "Come 'ere Jay..." he nearly growled, moving forward.

Jared rolled onto his back, moving backward up the bed until he ran into the head board. "I... guess... I'm not gonna get away after all." He sighed, his smile softening as his fingers brushed across Jensen's cheek.

"You wanna get away?" Jensen asked softly, leaning into Jared's touch on his cheek, repositioning to straddle Jared's hips, shifting to sit on his thighs. His hands fell to the boxers, pushing in and sliding up until they cascaded along Jared's chest, palm rolling along the man's nipples, up his neck.

Head shaking from side to side slowly Jared smiled, "no - I like it right here." His chest arched up into Jensen's touch, fingers dancing over Jensen's ribs and settling once more on his hips. "Come closer," he murmured, shifting back a little and letting his hands press against the small of Jensen's back.

Jensen was more than happy to comply with Jared's request, shifting forward to bring his lips to Jared's. His hands came up to sink into Jared's hair, inhaling sharply through his nose as his tongue slipped forward to trace the inside curves of Jared's mouth. Jensen was struck with a moment of surreal pleasure, lying practically on Jared, thin layers of clothing separating them, Jensen felt like he was exploding from the inside out. And it was the best thing he'd ever felt. Jensen grinned into the kiss thinking of how much better it was going to get.

Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen tightly, feeling every inch of him. His tongue snaked out shyly at first, running along Jensen's bottom lip then slipped into his lover's mouth. He let his tongue move over the roof of Jensen's mouth, the smooth white teeth and then finally his tongue tangled with the other man's. Certain Jensen could feel his heart pounding Jared smiled, shifting so that he could wrap long fingers around the back of Jensen's neck. Desire flooded through Jared's body, his blood racing through his veins, thick and hot. He bit down hard on Jensen's bottom lip, the licked it slowly, sighing.

Moaning into the kiss, Jensen rolled his hips slightly against Jared's body. Kissing Jared was intoxicating and Jensen would be quite content spending the rest of the night attached to Jared's lips only he wanted _more_. He had wanted more for so long he thought he would _die_ without _something_. So he broke the kiss a moment later and dipped his head immediately to the curve of Jared's neck, mouthing along the skin. He slithered down Jared's body with a scattered array of bites and kisses, pulling blood to the surface below Jared's collar bone to mark the skin in a purplish bruise.

Jared sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. The feel of Jensen moving against him, the fiery trail left by his lips - it was more than he'd expected. Need raged through his body and he felt as though he didn't know where to put his hands, what to do, he just wanted _more_ of Jensen, wanted him closer, nearer. Jared's hand slid up into Jensen's hair, soft, no gel. There were curls at the base of his neck, and Jared's lips parted and he groaned loudly. Everything about Jensen was familiar and intoxicating all at the same time.

At the encouraging noises coming from Jared beneath him, Jensen continued his quest down, pausing at each nipple to suck and bite, tongue flicking out to stab at the sensitive flesh. Jensen had admired this body from a far for so long, having it spread beneath him was like being handed the most perfect gift. And Jensen took his time trailing his tongue along the dips and lines of Jared's abs. Biting at random patches of tanned flesh. Memorizing each noise that left Jared's mouth. His tongue slid across the edge of Jared's waist band, dipping under the elastic before his fingers curled in. "Jared..." he breathed the man's name, dipping his head down slightly to rub his face down into Jared's crotch through the thin cotton, breathing in deeply. "Can I...?" He asked, breath coming out hot and quick across Jared's cotton covered cock.

"Yes... _Jesus_... yes." Jared slid down the headboard, loving the feel of his skin slipping past Jensen's. "I'm not... I don't..." he grinned and tugging Jensen's hair waiting till their eyes met. "I've never done... anything like this before. With a guy, I mean." Shrugging, blushing and sliding further down he fell back onto the bed and flung an arm over his face. He'd never been _so_ turned on by anyone before. Each time Jensen moved it was like Jared could feel it everywhere. He rocked his hips up into Jensen's body and let out a long, deep moan, slamming his hand down against the back of his friend's shoulder. "S..sorry..."

It was a miracle Jensen managed to keep from coming right at that moment, just from the noises Jared was making, the way he slid forward into his face. His fingers hooked in Jared's waist line, dragging the material up and over Jared's hard length, watching with hungry eyes and the swollen flesh became exposed before his eyes. Jared was thick, long, brushing against his lower abdomen with a smear of precome. Jensen was frozen in the spot, eyes glinting, tongue tracing along his lips. "Christ." He hissed, shoving the boxers down lower and taking advantage of the moment to crawl down the rest of the length of Jared's body, using the break to calm himself. He stepped off the edge of the bed and smiled at Jared, hands dropping to his button and fly. "Don't worry Jay, it's not like I have all the experience in the world. We'll figure it out together okay?"

"Okay..." Jared sat up and moved quickly down to the end of the bed, sitting in front of Jensen. His sweat damp hair was plastered to his forehead and he brushed it away from his eyes, looking up at Jensen. Licking his lips, Jared pushed Jensen's hands away and unbuttoned the other man's jeans, then tugged the zipper down. He slid his fingers under the denim waistband and moved them around to Jensen's back, all the while staring up at those gorgeous green eyes. Tearing his eyes away he brushed his lips across Jensen's chest, slipping his hands down to slide over the curve of the other man's ass. He nipped the sensitive flesh of Jensen's belly, tonguing and kissing his way down as he pushed his jeans down.

"Jare..." Jensen gasped, sliding his hands in Jared's hair and twisting it between his fingers. He highly doubted his knees could keep him upright so he leaned slightly into the man. Jared's fingers flared burning heat through his skin and his back arched slightly, hips shifting toward Jared as if pulled by an invisible string. "You're a..." he groaned the words slightly, stroking through Jared's hair, "Tease." He chuckled heavily, voice deeper and richer with his arousal.

Chuckling, Jared slipped his hands quickly down into his friend's jeans and tugged them off roughly. "I'm a lot of things, Jensen, but..." he pulled Jensen's boxers over his hard shaft and shoved them down, "I'm _not_ a tease." He grasped Jensen's hips, his fingers digging in hard so that the other man could step out of his clothes. He wrapped his long arms around Jensen's waist, letting the man lean against his chest. Jensen's hard shaft pressed up against Jared's body and he sucked in a breath, desire shuddering through him. Dragging his cheek across Jensen's skin, Jared loosed his arms and let his hands explore his lover's back.

Jensen's eyes fell closed as he pulled in and savored each touch. Jared's hand was wide and strong on his flesh, and he moaned with the tenderness of each caress. He was very distinctly aware how close Jared was to his aching center and his knees dipped slightly, finally caving to the pleasure. "Back..." he whispered, pushing at Jared's shoulders until the man slithered back up the mattress and Jensen crawled over him, lining their bodies together. He hovered above Jared's body, staring down into lust blow hazel eyes as he slipped forward, cocks grazing against each other. Jensen's mouth opened with a low moan as he repeated the action. "God Jared."

Arching up off the bed, hands sliding over Jensen's ass - Jared strained up to capture his friend's lips once more. He tasted sweet and warm and Jared's heart was skipping beats left and right. His lips parted and his tongue pushed into Jensen's mouth, sliding in and out - his hips rolling up against Jensen's. His moans were swallowed up by their kisses. Gasping for breath as he pulled back, Jared tugged Jensen down - wanting to feel his weight against him. " _God_ , Jen..."

It was so intensely delicious Jensen couldn't stop the slide of his hips, couldn't stop rocking forward for more. His lips and teeth and tongue worked along every inch of Jared's skin he could reach. He wanted so much _more_ but had no real idea what Jared was ready for, what _they_ were ready for. Jensen's hand slid down the side of Jared's body, dancing across the burning skin for a moment before Jensen began once more sliding down the man's body. He sucked on the skin, leaving a trail of marks down his lover's body. It was a really good thing they were done filming because those would be hard to cover, even with the best make up artists to work on them. As he moved lower he could smell Jared, sweat and salt and that always there underlying current of the man. Jensen looked up at the man once before letting his tongue slide up the full hard length of him, circling the crown and dipping into the slit to gather forming precome.

 _"Jesuschrist"_. Jared's hips shot up off the bed, his hands falling to Jensen's cheeks. Heat swelled in his belly, spiraling out from his core. He was so hard, his flesh hot and sensitive. There was no way he could control his body anymore; his back curved as his hips moved to bring him closer to Jensen's slick tongue.

Jensen curled one hand along Jared's hipbone, holding him down while the other shifted to wrap around the base of his cock, sliding up once then back down. Jared's flesh was like an explosion overload in his mouth simply because Jensen had imagined doing this for so _long_. To have it actually happening was shaking him to the core. By far the man was much to big to take all the way in but Jensen relaxed his jaw, worked his tongue along the sensitive skin, and made up for the difference with the firm press of his fingers. Anything to keep making Jared sound like he did, keep him writhing beneath him so wantonly. A muffled moan fell from his lips and Jensen couldn't resist grinding his hips down into the mattress just to get some friction.

If Jared lived through this it would be a complete and utter miracle. His heart was beating so hard and fast he thought it would just give out. He was aware of everything and nothing; Jensen's fingers digging into his flesh, the sinfully hot mouth moving over his cock, the rough skin of Jensen's hand curved around him. He couldn't stop making sounds, noises; his hips were straining against his lover's grip. He let his hands fall to his sides, fingers splayed wide on the quilt. "Jen..." it was so easy to say the name, but saying it _now_ made everything so much better, so much hotter.

Jensen released his hold on Jared's hipbone and brought the hand down to massage along Jared's ball sac. All he could smell was Jared, all he could taste was him, and between that and the minimal friction against the bed sheet, Jensen was fairly certain he was going to come without even being touched. He worked his tongue and lips, swallowing occasionally, sucking at the precome eagerly. He wanted to taste Jared completely, wanted to feel the warmth of his come spilling down his throat. Another moan shot through him and he pulled back to gasp slightly, hand working saliva into Jared's flesh. Jensen's eyes lifted to take in Jared's face, watch the pleasure create new lines along his face. A beautiful flush was spread across his skin and Jensen groaned, "God Jare, you're so fuckin' hot like this." He dipped back down to pull Jared's flesh into mouth once more, urging him along toward his peak.

It felt like Jensen was everywhere, Jared's hips were rocking up, one hand grasped his lover's hair. Jensen's voice was deep, rough, and rolled over Jared's flesh like honey. His balls tightened as Jensen's fingers worked him over and he threw his head back. "Jen... Jen... stop... Ima…" Jared's body thrummed with pleasure as Jensen's mouth moved over his shaft and desire started to swirl and grow deep in Jared's belly. He couldn't stop it... crying out he tugged on Jensen's hair then his fingers trailed down the man's cheek as his entire body jolted, his hips stuttered forward and he came, hot, thick, pulsing in Jensen's mouth.

Drinking eagerly, Jensen worked both his hands and sucked, milking everything he could from his lover. When Jared started to whimper softly he released his grip from him and licked his lips, savoring the taste. Warm and salty, perfect just like every part of Jared. A shudder coursed through him and Jensen rode the pleasure for a moment before crawling back up Jared's body, settling in beside his sweating flesh and trailing a hand down his chest. His palm came to rest above Jared's racing heart, feeling its rapid flutter against the ribcage. "Jesus Jared," Jensen whispered, overcome by all the emotions and sensations running through him. He pressed a kiss to Jared's shoulder, to the corner of his lips, and grinned. "That was... hot."

Jared tried to speak and ended up making a noise somewhere between a moan and a sigh. He flopped more than rolled over so he was sprawled across Jensen's body, kissing and sucking on the other man's neck, shoulder, anywhere he could reach. He ran his hand down Jensen chest, over the curves of his abs and down over his hip, his thigh. Stretching his neck out he ran his tongue along the curve of Jensen's ear, "you're so fucking amazing, you know that right?" He was whispering, hot breath blowing over Jensen neck, his ear.

The first word that came out was unintelligible and Jensen swallowed thickly before trying again, "Have some idea." He smirked a little before the smirk disappeared with the opening of his mouth and the swell of a moan falling from his lips. Every touch Jared spread across his skin was like electricity and Jensen shifted his hips forward, desperate for some relief from the burning ache. His heart thudded heavily, blood pulsing in his ears, and he curled his fingers around Jared's arm. "God Jare... I need... fuck." All the little sensations were making his brain back fire and he jerked his hips forward desperately.

Jared's long fingers teased their way back up Jensen's thigh and through the rough curls at the base of his cock. His tongue darted past his lips into Jensen's ear and slipped down to lick the sweat from his lover's neck. He curled his hand around Jensen's hard shaft squeezing gently just as he sucked his lover's earlobe into his mouth; he bit down on the soft flesh, _hard_.

Jensen nearly lurched off the bed, thrusting up into Jared's hand. He could feel it, that building thing pushing through him, and knew it was too late, he was too far gone. The build up over the months, the fact that he was _finally_ getting what he'd wanted for so long. "Jare..." he moaned his lover's name as Jared's hand worked him. Fire - white, hot, burning more than anything else he'd ever felt - shot through his limbs, coursing down his chest and settling low in his crotch and he came into Jared's slick palm. "Fuck..." he groaned as he flickered through the sensations, clutching at any part of Jared he could reach. The moment his hips stopped thrusting wildly a bright blush overtook the already present flush of pleasure and he turned his head away, embarrassed he'd come so quickly.

Chuckling softly, Jared ran his hand down over the quilt then reached up to touch his fingers to Jensen's cheek - turning his face so their eyes could meet. His thumb moved gently over Jensen's chin, then up over his kiss-swollen lips. "You are... gorgeous." He leaned over to catch Jensen's mouth with his, moving his lips slowly, lazily, his body still tingling and weak.

Jensen melted into the kiss, curling into Jared's body and hooking their legs together. The kiss was everything he loved about kissing Jared, slow languid slides of their tongues. Jensen's mind buzzed dully in the most pleasant ways. For a flash it reminded him of another type of buzz but this one was good - _amazing_ \- and not at all like the drug. He was floating on some heavenly cloud and Jared was right there with him, basking in their afterglow together. "I love you Jared," Jensen mumbled softly as their lips parted softly, hovering just inches apart.

Leaning forward Jared kissed that swollen, soft, bottom lip. "I know... it was hard to miss," he grinned. He could tell by the look on Jensen's face, the smile, the glint in his eyes - that they _both_ knew Jared felt the same way.

-=-=-=-

 _Jen,_

 _If I have one more person ask me today if you and I are missing each other I'm going to start throwing punches. Not the best start for an email maybe. The movie is going great, I never thought I would actually enjoy playing a romantic lead but it's kinda fun (Don't roll your eyes! It is!). I DO have one problem I miss you and your lips - oh FUCK I really miss your lips, like a lot. I miss the rest of you too. In fact, just last night I had this REALLY great dream about you. Okay - this isn't helping me. I'm gonna go... take a shower - will finish this after :)_

 _The dogs miss you. They're both right here, curled up on my feet. OH! Chris phoned today, Leverage got picked up for another season - isn't that great? He wants to know if, when we're both done filming we'll go down there for one of his shows. I think it sounds like a good idea but let me know._

 _So - I'm being called to make up - got a BIG huge kissing scene coming up so I've been chewing gum all morning and when I'm kissing Tasha I'm SO going to be thinking of you._

 _You still coming next weekend? You still get a couple of days off right? I really want to see you. REALLY. A lot. All of you. Bring your lips._

 _I love you,  
Jare_

-=-=-=-

 _Jare,_

 _It's so hot here I swear to GOD I'm melting. Literally. It's too hot to even jack off and then you have to be all... lips and stuff. Thanks for that._

 _Chris called you? Fuckers gonna get it, he never calls me anymore or... oh shit I just checked my phone. Five missed calls from him and two voicemails. Maybe I'm gonna get it. Oh well, we'll go to one of his shows and make it up to him._

 _(for the record, I'm NOT jealous about you kissing what's her face. Not. At. All.)_

 _Flight leaves in three hours so I better get moving. I miss you. Can't wait to see you. Me and my lips are gonna show you just how much._

 _Love you,  
Jen_


End file.
